Women whose partner's make enough for them to stay home, why do you prefer working?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll never understand the daily errands thing

Gives them something to do.

DP but agree.

There is no way anyone "needs" to go to the post office or grocery store every day. And if you do grocery shop every day, you are shopping for very minimal ingredients that do not take long, because you're only buying enough for the day. If you are literally running out of clothing, you/your children must wear the same thing every day? I'm so confused as to how someone can say they are running out of clothing because they didn't do laundry ONE day??

Working out takes time. Cooking takes time. But most SAHMs arent cooking dinner at 3pm before their kids are out of school.

I just tend to think that SAHMs get a lot of heat (see this thread) so try and make it sound like their days are sooo busy, even though it's really not. It's an insecurity because they feel like they have to "keep up" with the working people or ones who are actually busy.

I like the comparison to retired people. I know very few retired people who are like "oh yeah im sooo busy! Busier than when I was working!" They own it and talk about gardening and napping and being bored LOL.

This is a weird DCUM phenomenon. I am a longtime SAHM (with teens now) who subs at the local ES part-time. I know very few remaining SAHMs who have not trickled back to work in some capacity. And none of them claim or pretend to be super busy. Most basically just act semi-retired.

Perhaps it's because so many people on here are educated working women that they feel inferior? Maybe IRL they hang out with people of the same caliber, and don't feel the need to puff up their days. Like, I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't know if you did this, but you implied that you and other educated working moms are of a higher caliber than PP. Was that what you meant to say?

Perhaps "caliber" was the wrong word. I surmised that the SAHMs who puff up their day to sound supes busy raising children and keeping their house are insecure specifically on this website, because there is a high % of highly educated working women. If they aren't doing this in IRL (telling other SAHMs how busy they are) because they feel more comfortable with them, are not insecure about talking about how quiet their days are.

When you talk to SAHMs in person, do you do things like imply that you're better than they are because you're an educated working woman, and that it makes sense that they'd feel insecure around you? I think that people just say things on this website that they wouldn't in person.

You must have missed this part of my post: I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't think I'm better than anyone! I do work for many reasons, posted a while back. But the SAHM friends I have do not make up lies about how many times they clean bathrooms per day to make me think theyre so busy. They also dont imply that I'm a bad parent because I work, or that my house is dirty because I dont clean 5 bathrooms 7x a week. I am going to assume the ones who talk about how there's "no time left" to do much while your kid is at school are insecure and defensive over their choices. If someone wants to own their life of leisure, I'm here for it! But dont piss on my back and tell me its raining.

I was talking about your use of the word "caliber." You did say that "perhaps" it was the wrong word, but I don't see how you can say something like that and not feel superior to the people you said are of lesser caliber. I do think that a lot of the comments from SAHMs here are rude too, but I wonder if people are getting defensive or upset not because someone is actually being insulting, but because we can't help but infer an insult when someone defends a life choice that is different from our own.

I was responding to a specific post about how SAHMs dont do this IRL, only on DCUM, and what the differences may be and I apologize if my word choice triggered you.

Some of the posts on this thread are insulting. Especially considering it was supposed to be about why working women work, and seems to have been taken over with SAHMs justifying how they spend their time instead.

Why do you find it insulting that a SAHM runs errands during the day?

Do you find it insulting that people without children are running errands or going to book club in the evening?

I don't think you understood the post...

Why are working moms so upset with SAHMs? I don’t think SAHMs are upset about working moms.

I’m a SAHM currently but I used to be a working mom. I have many friends from various times in my life. We are in our mid to late forties and many of my friends are unhappy. Many of the people on DCUM seem extremely unhappy if they need to attack others and their family choices.

For my marriage and family, it was the right choice for me to stay home. I like staying home. My kids are happy and thriving. I feel grateful and appreciative of DH. DH comes home to a happy family.

I was not a happy working mom. I was always stressed. I felt guilty about not spending enough time with my kids. I was always tired. I was often annoyed at school events or times when other people wanted to do something during the middle of a work day. I came home from work, had dinner with kids and put them to bed. It really wasn’t quality time at all. Then I would often be annoyed or irritated at DH.

Many of my most unhappiest friends are working moms with husbands who do not pull their weight and are less successful than the mom. The mom still has to do it all while also being the breadwinner. These women have high standards and not the most easy going. They are either divorced, divorcing or in unhappy marriages. I suspect the nasty people on this thread are likely one of these people. The most successful women I know happen to be the unhappiest in love. Maybe it is just in my circles.

Nah, they just say that working moms don't love their kids. NBD.

I can only speak for myself as a SAHM and I would never think this or say it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll never understand the daily errands thing

Gives them something to do.

DP but agree.

There is no way anyone "needs" to go to the post office or grocery store every day. And if you do grocery shop every day, you are shopping for very minimal ingredients that do not take long, because you're only buying enough for the day. If you are literally running out of clothing, you/your children must wear the same thing every day? I'm so confused as to how someone can say they are running out of clothing because they didn't do laundry ONE day??

Working out takes time. Cooking takes time. But most SAHMs arent cooking dinner at 3pm before their kids are out of school.

I just tend to think that SAHMs get a lot of heat (see this thread) so try and make it sound like their days are sooo busy, even though it's really not. It's an insecurity because they feel like they have to "keep up" with the working people or ones who are actually busy.

I like the comparison to retired people. I know very few retired people who are like "oh yeah im sooo busy! Busier than when I was working!" They own it and talk about gardening and napping and being bored LOL.

This is a weird DCUM phenomenon. I am a longtime SAHM (with teens now) who subs at the local ES part-time. I know very few remaining SAHMs who have not trickled back to work in some capacity. And none of them claim or pretend to be super busy. Most basically just act semi-retired.

Perhaps it's because so many people on here are educated working women that they feel inferior? Maybe IRL they hang out with people of the same caliber, and don't feel the need to puff up their days. Like, I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't know if you did this, but you implied that you and other educated working moms are of a higher caliber than PP. Was that what you meant to say?

Perhaps "caliber" was the wrong word. I surmised that the SAHMs who puff up their day to sound supes busy raising children and keeping their house are insecure specifically on this website, because there is a high % of highly educated working women. If they aren't doing this in IRL (telling other SAHMs how busy they are) because they feel more comfortable with them, are not insecure about talking about how quiet their days are.

When you talk to SAHMs in person, do you do things like imply that you're better than they are because you're an educated working woman, and that it makes sense that they'd feel insecure around you? I think that people just say things on this website that they wouldn't in person.

You must have missed this part of my post: I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't think I'm better than anyone! I do work for many reasons, posted a while back. But the SAHM friends I have do not make up lies about how many times they clean bathrooms per day to make me think theyre so busy. They also dont imply that I'm a bad parent because I work, or that my house is dirty because I dont clean 5 bathrooms 7x a week. I am going to assume the ones who talk about how there's "no time left" to do much while your kid is at school are insecure and defensive over their choices. If someone wants to own their life of leisure, I'm here for it! But dont piss on my back and tell me its raining.

I was talking about your use of the word "caliber." You did say that "perhaps" it was the wrong word, but I don't see how you can say something like that and not feel superior to the people you said are of lesser caliber. I do think that a lot of the comments from SAHMs here are rude too, but I wonder if people are getting defensive or upset not because someone is actually being insulting, but because we can't help but infer an insult when someone defends a life choice that is different from our own.

I was responding to a specific post about how SAHMs dont do this IRL, only on DCUM, and what the differences may be and I apologize if my word choice triggered you.

Some of the posts on this thread are insulting. Especially considering it was supposed to be about why working women work, and seems to have been taken over with SAHMs justifying how they spend their time instead.

Why do you find it insulting that a SAHM runs errands during the day?

Do you find it insulting that people without children are running errands or going to book club in the evening?

I don't think you understood the post...

I think I did.

I think if a bunch of people came on this thread and started posting about how they didn’t have kids because they wanted to maintain their career, you wouldn’t feel so insulted.

You also wouldn’t force them to account for their time evenings and weekends and tell them how unproductive they are.

I think many people would find that insulting actually. Maybe you wouldn't, but I definitely would. It adds nothing to the conversation, it's just chatter from people who want attention, distracting from the actual topic. It costs nothing to make your own thread about whatever you want lol. More power to you to do that! Derailing other peoples threads is inappropriate internet etiquette, but there are many people on here (and trolls) who love to do it.

You're right that I wouldn't force them to account for their time on evenings and weekends, nor have I done that with any one else who posted here.

You have asked women who primarily work taking care of their children to account for their time when the children aren’t home.
Then you accused them of lying, puffing up their day, pretending to be so busy, feeling insecure, and being ineffective with their time.

I’m not a SAHM, but I feel compelled to defend them. And I am sure that your comments have caused several people casually looking at this thread to post.

If you want to know why SAHMs are posting in this thread, that’s why.

DP. Actually OP asked about WORKING MOMS but the SAHMs just can't help themselves and had to jump in. So who is the problem, exactly?

NP wondering the same thing! I have been watching this thread that was clearly asking a question of working moms get overtaken by SAHMs with an apparent axe to grind. It could have been an interesting conversation among moms about what is worthwhile about their jobs but instead is another silly DCUM judgment-fest where SAHMs defend their decisions not to work.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll never understand the daily errands thing

Gives them something to do.

DP but agree.

There is no way anyone "needs" to go to the post office or grocery store every day. And if you do grocery shop every day, you are shopping for very minimal ingredients that do not take long, because you're only buying enough for the day. If you are literally running out of clothing, you/your children must wear the same thing every day? I'm so confused as to how someone can say they are running out of clothing because they didn't do laundry ONE day??

Working out takes time. Cooking takes time. But most SAHMs arent cooking dinner at 3pm before their kids are out of school.

I just tend to think that SAHMs get a lot of heat (see this thread) so try and make it sound like their days are sooo busy, even though it's really not. It's an insecurity because they feel like they have to "keep up" with the working people or ones who are actually busy.

I like the comparison to retired people. I know very few retired people who are like "oh yeah im sooo busy! Busier than when I was working!" They own it and talk about gardening and napping and being bored LOL.

This is a weird DCUM phenomenon. I am a longtime SAHM (with teens now) who subs at the local ES part-time. I know very few remaining SAHMs who have not trickled back to work in some capacity. And none of them claim or pretend to be super busy. Most basically just act semi-retired.

Perhaps it's because so many people on here are educated working women that they feel inferior? Maybe IRL they hang out with people of the same caliber, and don't feel the need to puff up their days. Like, I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't know if you did this, but you implied that you and other educated working moms are of a higher caliber than PP. Was that what you meant to say?

Perhaps "caliber" was the wrong word. I surmised that the SAHMs who puff up their day to sound supes busy raising children and keeping their house are insecure specifically on this website, because there is a high % of highly educated working women. If they aren't doing this in IRL (telling other SAHMs how busy they are) because they feel more comfortable with them, are not insecure about talking about how quiet their days are.

When you talk to SAHMs in person, do you do things like imply that you're better than they are because you're an educated working woman, and that it makes sense that they'd feel insecure around you? I think that people just say things on this website that they wouldn't in person.

You must have missed this part of my post: I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't think I'm better than anyone! I do work for many reasons, posted a while back. But the SAHM friends I have do not make up lies about how many times they clean bathrooms per day to make me think theyre so busy. They also dont imply that I'm a bad parent because I work, or that my house is dirty because I dont clean 5 bathrooms 7x a week. I am going to assume the ones who talk about how there's "no time left" to do much while your kid is at school are insecure and defensive over their choices. If someone wants to own their life of leisure, I'm here for it! But dont piss on my back and tell me its raining.

I was talking about your use of the word "caliber." You did say that "perhaps" it was the wrong word, but I don't see how you can say something like that and not feel superior to the people you said are of lesser caliber. I do think that a lot of the comments from SAHMs here are rude too, but I wonder if people are getting defensive or upset not because someone is actually being insulting, but because we can't help but infer an insult when someone defends a life choice that is different from our own.

I was responding to a specific post about how SAHMs dont do this IRL, only on DCUM, and what the differences may be and I apologize if my word choice triggered you.

Some of the posts on this thread are insulting. Especially considering it was supposed to be about why working women work, and seems to have been taken over with SAHMs justifying how they spend their time instead.

Why do you find it insulting that a SAHM runs errands during the day?

Do you find it insulting that people without children are running errands or going to book club in the evening?

I don't think you understood the post...

Why are working moms so upset with SAHMs? I don’t think SAHMs are upset about working moms.

I’m a SAHM currently but I used to be a working mom. I have many friends from various times in my life. We are in our mid to late forties and many of my friends are unhappy. Many of the people on DCUM seem extremely unhappy if they need to attack others and their family choices.

For my marriage and family, it was the right choice for me to stay home. I like staying home. My kids are happy and thriving. I feel grateful and appreciative of DH. DH comes home to a happy family.

I was not a happy working mom. I was always stressed. I felt guilty about not spending enough time with my kids. I was always tired. I was often annoyed at school events or times when other people wanted to do something during the middle of a work day. I came home from work, had dinner with kids and put them to bed. It really wasn’t quality time at all. Then I would often be annoyed or irritated at DH.

Many of my most unhappiest friends are working moms with husbands who do not pull their weight and are less successful than the mom. The mom still has to do it all while also being the breadwinner. These women have high standards and not the most easy going. They are either divorced, divorcing or in unhappy marriages. I suspect the nasty people on this thread are likely one of these people. The most successful women I know happen to be the unhappiest in love. Maybe it is just in my circles.

Nah, they just say that working moms don't love their kids. NBD.

I can only speak for myself as a SAHM and I would never think this or say it.

It's been said multiple times on this thread.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll never understand the daily errands thing

Gives them something to do.

DP but agree.

There is no way anyone "needs" to go to the post office or grocery store every day. And if you do grocery shop every day, you are shopping for very minimal ingredients that do not take long, because you're only buying enough for the day. If you are literally running out of clothing, you/your children must wear the same thing every day? I'm so confused as to how someone can say they are running out of clothing because they didn't do laundry ONE day??

Working out takes time. Cooking takes time. But most SAHMs arent cooking dinner at 3pm before their kids are out of school.

I just tend to think that SAHMs get a lot of heat (see this thread) so try and make it sound like their days are sooo busy, even though it's really not. It's an insecurity because they feel like they have to "keep up" with the working people or ones who are actually busy.

I like the comparison to retired people. I know very few retired people who are like "oh yeah im sooo busy! Busier than when I was working!" They own it and talk about gardening and napping and being bored LOL.

This is a weird DCUM phenomenon. I am a longtime SAHM (with teens now) who subs at the local ES part-time. I know very few remaining SAHMs who have not trickled back to work in some capacity. And none of them claim or pretend to be super busy. Most basically just act semi-retired.

Perhaps it's because so many people on here are educated working women that they feel inferior? Maybe IRL they hang out with people of the same caliber, and don't feel the need to puff up their days. Like, I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't know if you did this, but you implied that you and other educated working moms are of a higher caliber than PP. Was that what you meant to say?

Perhaps "caliber" was the wrong word. I surmised that the SAHMs who puff up their day to sound supes busy raising children and keeping their house are insecure specifically on this website, because there is a high % of highly educated working women. If they aren't doing this in IRL (telling other SAHMs how busy they are) because they feel more comfortable with them, are not insecure about talking about how quiet their days are.

When you talk to SAHMs in person, do you do things like imply that you're better than they are because you're an educated working woman, and that it makes sense that they'd feel insecure around you? I think that people just say things on this website that they wouldn't in person.

You must have missed this part of my post: I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't think I'm better than anyone! I do work for many reasons, posted a while back. But the SAHM friends I have do not make up lies about how many times they clean bathrooms per day to make me think theyre so busy. They also dont imply that I'm a bad parent because I work, or that my house is dirty because I dont clean 5 bathrooms 7x a week. I am going to assume the ones who talk about how there's "no time left" to do much while your kid is at school are insecure and defensive over their choices. If someone wants to own their life of leisure, I'm here for it! But dont piss on my back and tell me its raining.

I was talking about your use of the word "caliber." You did say that "perhaps" it was the wrong word, but I don't see how you can say something like that and not feel superior to the people you said are of lesser caliber. I do think that a lot of the comments from SAHMs here are rude too, but I wonder if people are getting defensive or upset not because someone is actually being insulting, but because we can't help but infer an insult when someone defends a life choice that is different from our own.

I was responding to a specific post about how SAHMs dont do this IRL, only on DCUM, and what the differences may be and I apologize if my word choice triggered you.

Some of the posts on this thread are insulting. Especially considering it was supposed to be about why working women work, and seems to have been taken over with SAHMs justifying how they spend their time instead.

Why do you find it insulting that a SAHM runs errands during the day?

Do you find it insulting that people without children are running errands or going to book club in the evening?

I don't think you understood the post...

Why are working moms so upset with SAHMs? I don’t think SAHMs are upset about working moms.

I’m a SAHM currently but I used to be a working mom. I have many friends from various times in my life. We are in our mid to late forties and many of my friends are unhappy. Many of the people on DCUM seem extremely unhappy if they need to attack others and their family choices.

For my marriage and family, it was the right choice for me to stay home. I like staying home. My kids are happy and thriving. I feel grateful and appreciative of DH. DH comes home to a happy family.

I was not a happy working mom. I was always stressed. I felt guilty about not spending enough time with my kids. I was always tired. I was often annoyed at school events or times when other people wanted to do something during the middle of a work day. I came home from work, had dinner with kids and put them to bed. It really wasn’t quality time at all. Then I would often be annoyed or irritated at DH.

Many of my most unhappiest friends are working moms with husbands who do not pull their weight and are less successful than the mom. The mom still has to do it all while also being the breadwinner. These women have high standards and not the most easy going. They are either divorced, divorcing or in unhappy marriages. I suspect the nasty people on this thread are likely one of these people. The most successful women I know happen to be the unhappiest in love. Maybe it is just in my circles.

Nah, they just say that working moms don't love their kids. NBD.

I can only speak for myself as a SAHM and I would never think this or say it.

It's been said multiple times on this thread.

So? We all don't think that

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone contributes to society, what's the difference between raising your children, caring for your parents and managing your household vs doing it for money as an employee?

For me it’s because once kids were in school there was not much “raising kids/caring for parents/managing household “ to do.

I’m always surprised when people say this. I don’t think that my day to day changed that much when my youngest went to school. I just didn’t have my little buddy with me anymore.

I guess I don’t go to the zoo as much, but it’s not like I was spending hours a day playing CandyLand with a four year old before he went to school.

You don't think your day to day changed when you arent responsible for a human for most of the day? That's a huge difference to me!

I’m still ultimately responsible for all of my kids every day.
But yeah, it isn’t that different.
Now I go go book club on Thursday mornings on my own. I don’t have to bring stickers.
When I fold laundry, I listen to an audiobook instead of his little stories, and I have to match the socks myself.
I usually make dinner on my own without my little helper. (There’s too much going on after school to cook then.).

I mostly kind of miss him.

Sounds like you don’t do much of anything.

She cooks and cleans and takes care of her children after school. That’s plenty.

DP here. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools. I basically have 5 hours from last kid drop off to first kid ending school. I work out, shower, run errands, cook, clean up, etc. There isn’t that much time left. I do meet up with a friend for lunch or go to the spa but it is like once per week.

Your time management skills are severely lacking. I guess it's good you don't have to work because it doesn't sound like you'd make it through a day.

So much hate! How do you know that her time management skills are lacking?

You’d put all three kids in the same school, right? Because you’re so brilliant, yeah? That actually sounds lazy to me. Maybe she’s chosen to make her life a little more difficult to put each kid at the best place for that child. She’s doing it because she can and she wants the best fit for all three.

For a third party like me, it’s obvious that you are seething with jealousy that you do not have the resources to send your kids to three different schools.

No it's pretty obvious she has 5 hours a day, but can't get anything done. Poor time management is most likely it. I say that as SAHM . I see many other SAHM claim it's just so hard and they don't have time for anything it almost always comes down to poor time management or undiagnosed depression and ADHD both of which have a time management component

What exactly am I not getting done? I have three kids and take care of them. I keep our house going. I am not saying I am doing anything more. I am planning a birthday party for one of my kids, spring break and summer.

I have plenty of time. What I don’t have time for is a full time job in my 5 hours the kids are at school. I like working out daily after kids are at school. I am not the type to wake up at 5am to work out before everyone wakes up. By the time I shower after exercise, clean up breakfast, it is already lunchtime. Then I have 2 hours before first kid gets out of school.

I am a fellow SAHM. I think it just boils down to phrasing. People get very prickly on here when you say you “can’t” work or “don’t have time.” Just say you could but choose not to and it works best for your family this way. Saying you don’t have time implies you think they are somehow short-changing someone and that is where they get defensive.

I agree with this. I think many families would function better with a stay at home parent. It’s fine if neither parent wants to stay at home, but there are a lot of families who wish they could afford a sahp and make the difficult sacrifice to work and prioritize their family’s financial well being. When a sahp claims they wouldn’t have time to work, that’s ridiculous and is a jab at the people who do everything you do to run a home and life, but also work full time. We all have the same number of hours in the day. You either don’t have to work or choose not to.

I actual think most families don’t function better with a SAHM.

I think that really bothers some SAHM’s to know some women work and run their house better/same and see their kids just as much,

This seems like kind of a weird thing to say.

I work in mental health. I’m a working mom, and my family functions better than a lot of my patients who grew up in very dysfunctional families and are dealing with mental illness. But I don’t say that. What would that accomplish besides you being kind of an ash hole?

People are doing the best they can. It isn’t a competition. You can say the pros and cons of your own situation without putting down someone else.

I find many women to be catty and petty. This has nothing to do with working status or relationship status. They get jealous and put others down. It probably comes from their own insecurities.

I try to be positive always. I know it bothers some people that I am cheerful. Misery likes company.

Hmm... are you saying the SAHM who said "I think many families would function better with a stay at home parent" is catty and petty? You think that SAHM is jealous and insecure?

NP
It was a gracious wohm saying "many families"
The response was no "most families" would not

and the response was that most don't function better. Not that they function worse. Not sure why saying they are equal is to you a put down.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Think really hard about what you’re asking here, OP. It’s 2024. What if we asked all the DHs out there why they still work even if their wife makes a lot of money?

If my income alone was in 7 figures, DH would quit instantly. You make a good point about asking if men want to work because I think so many would love to dedicate their time to other things (some in and some out of the home). We just hear the voices of those saying they would always have a job but I think a lot would be very grateful for at the very least, a hiatus. Like other pps, our end goal is FIRE with less than zero apprehension of how to fill our time.

Of all the people I know where the wife makes enough for the H to stay home, and the h is employable none of the H’s stay home.

I have 1 SAHD friend, he is a great dad, I love him to death, but he’d even tell you he is unemployable.

My friend group is pretty religious and conservative with a lot of SAHP. I would say about 1/3 of the families with a SAHP have a SAHD.

I can also only think of one SAHD I know outside of this community.

I think that when raising children is considered valuable in your friend group and community at large, more men tend to take it on.

What % of those SAHD say they stay home in part to make things pleasant in the home and to have a happy wife? Curious if the thinking flips that far.

Your are misquoting me. I said DH comes home to a happy family. I never said that I do it to have a happy husband. I do it for me and the kids, not necessarily DH.

My husband will say happy wife is a happy life though. We say this in our house all the time. I never say happy husband happy life.

Wait until your H loses his job or becomes disabled and tell me how happy the family is.

Most men come home to a happy family no matter the working status of the wife. Actually SAHM's often want to do a hand off as soon as men get home... tag your it, which actually causes lots of issues.

I notice the tag as well, I think it's pretty common. But I will say, if I was dealing with a toddler all day I'd want a break when dad comes home too!

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone contributes to society, what's the difference between raising your children, caring for your parents and managing your household vs doing it for money as an employee?

For me it’s because once kids were in school there was not much “raising kids/caring for parents/managing household “ to do.

I’m always surprised when people say this. I don’t think that my day to day changed that much when my youngest went to school. I just didn’t have my little buddy with me anymore.

I guess I don’t go to the zoo as much, but it’s not like I was spending hours a day playing CandyLand with a four year old before he went to school.

You don't think your day to day changed when you arent responsible for a human for most of the day? That's a huge difference to me!

I’m still ultimately responsible for all of my kids every day.
But yeah, it isn’t that different.
Now I go go book club on Thursday mornings on my own. I don’t have to bring stickers.
When I fold laundry, I listen to an audiobook instead of his little stories, and I have to match the socks myself.
I usually make dinner on my own without my little helper. (There’s too much going on after school to cook then.).

I mostly kind of miss him.

Sounds like you don’t do much of anything.

She cooks and cleans and takes care of her children after school. That’s plenty.

DP here. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools. I basically have 5 hours from last kid drop off to first kid ending school. I work out, shower, run errands, cook, clean up, etc. There isn’t that much time left. I do meet up with a friend for lunch or go to the spa but it is like once per week.

Your time management skills are severely lacking. I guess it's good you don't have to work because it doesn't sound like you'd make it through a day.

So much hate! How do you know that her time management skills are lacking?

You’d put all three kids in the same school, right? Because you’re so brilliant, yeah? That actually sounds lazy to me. Maybe she’s chosen to make her life a little more difficult to put each kid at the best place for that child. She’s doing it because she can and she wants the best fit for all three.

For a third party like me, it’s obvious that you are seething with jealousy that you do not have the resources to send your kids to three different schools.

No it's pretty obvious she has 5 hours a day, but can't get anything done. Poor time management is most likely it. I say that as SAHM . I see many other SAHM claim it's just so hard and they don't have time for anything it almost always comes down to poor time management or undiagnosed depression and ADHD both of which have a time management component

What exactly am I not getting done? I have three kids and take care of them. I keep our house going. I am not saying I am doing anything more. I am planning a birthday party for one of my kids, spring break and summer.

I have plenty of time. What I don’t have time for is a full time job in my 5 hours the kids are at school. I like working out daily after kids are at school. I am not the type to wake up at 5am to work out before everyone wakes up. By the time I shower after exercise, clean up breakfast, it is already lunchtime. Then I have 2 hours before first kid gets out of school.

I am a fellow SAHM. I think it just boils down to phrasing. People get very prickly on here when you say you “can’t” work or “don’t have time.” Just say you could but choose not to and it works best for your family this way. Saying you don’t have time implies you think they are somehow short-changing someone and that is where they get defensive.

I agree with this. I think many families would function better with a stay at home parent. It’s fine if neither parent wants to stay at home, but there are a lot of families who wish they could afford a sahp and make the difficult sacrifice to work and prioritize their family’s financial well being. When a sahp claims they wouldn’t have time to work, that’s ridiculous and is a jab at the people who do everything you do to run a home and life, but also work full time. We all have the same number of hours in the day. You either don’t have to work or choose not to.

I actual think most families don’t function better with a SAHM.

I think that really bothers some SAHM’s to know some women work and run their house better/same and see their kids just as much,

I’m one of the SAHMs on this thread. It doesn’t bother me at all. Many of my friends work. Most of my kids’ parents work. I don’t necessarily think their house is run better but everyone does what they think is best for their family.

And there you have it. You have to believe they don’t run the same/better for done reason based in your own insecurities.

Yup. And continually post on a thread about working mothers.

So now you are telling other women to shut up? We aren't allowed opinions?

Nobody said that. If you ask a football player how to tackle, and a baseball player tries to answer you might say... let the football player answer the questions why do you need to but in.

The questions was ... working moms, why do you work.

If you want a thread on SAHM's why do you SAH, create a thead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people work for money. Their family needs it whether they are saving for college or retirement. Most people don’t have the option of not working without trade offs. Some people are lucky to have a job that they enjoy and have decent work life balance but they need the job to be paid.

I walked away from a finance career. It seems easier to walk away from law or finance. I know many many former lawyers, consultants or finance professionals who decided to stay home with kids and are married to a very high earner.

There are some women who may be trying to cure cancer or doing social work helping foster kids or some other worldly job. Most people work because they have to.

I think a lot of DCUM women work not because they have to, but for multiple reasons beyond financial necessity. They genuinely on balance enjoy their work, they like making use of their education, they want to be good examples to their children, etc., etc. Also, a lot of us older moms know of at least a couple of marriages that ended in divorce when the kids were older and the moms that fared the best were the ones who kept up their careers. Unlike fantasy-land DCUM, most SAHMs are not independently wealthy trust-funders with $10M net worth independent of their husbands.

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Anonymous wrote:Think really hard about what you’re asking here, OP. It’s 2024. What if we asked all the DHs out there why they still work even if their wife makes a lot of money?

If my income alone was in 7 figures, DH would quit instantly. You make a good point about asking if men want to work because I think so many would love to dedicate their time to other things (some in and some out of the home). We just hear the voices of those saying they would always have a job but I think a lot would be very grateful for at the very least, a hiatus. Like other pps, our end goal is FIRE with less than zero apprehension of how to fill our time.

Of all the people I know where the wife makes enough for the H to stay home, and the h is employable none of the H’s stay home.

I have 1 SAHD friend, he is a great dad, I love him to death, but he’d even tell you he is unemployable.

My friend group is pretty religious and conservative with a lot of SAHP. I would say about 1/3 of the families with a SAHP have a SAHD.

I can also only think of one SAHD I know outside of this community.

I think that when raising children is considered valuable in your friend group and community at large, more men tend to take it on.

What % of those SAHD say they stay home in part to make things pleasant in the home and to have a happy wife? Curious if the thinking flips that far.

Your are misquoting me. I said DH comes home to a happy family. I never said that I do it to have a happy husband. I do it for me and the kids, not necessarily DH.

My husband will say happy wife is a happy life though. We say this in our house all the time. I never say happy husband happy life.

Wait until your H loses his job or becomes disabled and tell me how happy the family is.

Most men come home to a happy family no matter the working status of the wife. Actually SAHM's often want to do a hand off as soon as men get home... tag your it, which actually causes lots of issues.

As of now, DH’s career is as strong as ever. He is making several million per year. I don’t think he is losing his job anytime soon. Even if he did, we have more money than we need. Neither he or I have to work.

Too bad he's such a bad father he'd rather be a "corporate cog" than at home with his family

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Anonymous wrote:Think really hard about what you’re asking here, OP. It’s 2024. What if we asked all the DHs out there why they still work even if their wife makes a lot of money?

If my income alone was in 7 figures, DH would quit instantly. You make a good point about asking if men want to work because I think so many would love to dedicate their time to other things (some in and some out of the home). We just hear the voices of those saying they would always have a job but I think a lot would be very grateful for at the very least, a hiatus. Like other pps, our end goal is FIRE with less than zero apprehension of how to fill our time.

Of all the people I know where the wife makes enough for the H to stay home, and the h is employable none of the H’s stay home.

I have 1 SAHD friend, he is a great dad, I love him to death, but he’d even tell you he is unemployable.

My friend group is pretty religious and conservative with a lot of SAHP. I would say about 1/3 of the families with a SAHP have a SAHD.

I can also only think of one SAHD I know outside of this community.

I think that when raising children is considered valuable in your friend group and community at large, more men tend to take it on.

What % of those SAHD say they stay home in part to make things pleasant in the home and to have a happy wife? Curious if the thinking flips that far.

Your are misquoting me. I said DH comes home to a happy family. I never said that I do it to have a happy husband. I do it for me and the kids, not necessarily DH.

My husband will say happy wife is a happy life though. We say this in our house all the time. I never say happy husband happy life.

Wait until your H loses his job or becomes disabled and tell me how happy the family is.

Most men come home to a happy family no matter the working status of the wife. Actually SAHM's often want to do a hand off as soon as men get home... tag your it, which actually causes lots of issues.

As of now, DH’s career is as strong as ever. He is making several million per year. I don’t think he is losing his job anytime soon. Even if he did, we have more money than we need. Neither he or I have to work.

If he has several million $ he has enough to stop working and spend time with his family. Does he not love them? Why doesn't he quit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people work for money. Their family needs it whether they are saving for college or retirement. Most people don’t have the option of not working without trade offs. Some people are lucky to have a job that they enjoy and have decent work life balance but they need the job to be paid.

I walked away from a finance career. It seems easier to walk away from law or finance. I know many many former lawyers, consultants or finance professionals who decided to stay home with kids and are married to a very high earner.

There are some women who may be trying to cure cancer or doing social work helping foster kids or some other worldly job. Most people work because they have to.

Great but this thread is about people who need to work but still do.

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll never understand the daily errands thing

Gives them something to do.

DP but agree.

There is no way anyone "needs" to go to the post office or grocery store every day. And if you do grocery shop every day, you are shopping for very minimal ingredients that do not take long, because you're only buying enough for the day. If you are literally running out of clothing, you/your children must wear the same thing every day? I'm so confused as to how someone can say they are running out of clothing because they didn't do laundry ONE day??

Working out takes time. Cooking takes time. But most SAHMs arent cooking dinner at 3pm before their kids are out of school.

I just tend to think that SAHMs get a lot of heat (see this thread) so try and make it sound like their days are sooo busy, even though it's really not. It's an insecurity because they feel like they have to "keep up" with the working people or ones who are actually busy.

I like the comparison to retired people. I know very few retired people who are like "oh yeah im sooo busy! Busier than when I was working!" They own it and talk about gardening and napping and being bored LOL.

This is a weird DCUM phenomenon. I am a longtime SAHM (with teens now) who subs at the local ES part-time. I know very few remaining SAHMs who have not trickled back to work in some capacity. And none of them claim or pretend to be super busy. Most basically just act semi-retired.

Perhaps it's because so many people on here are educated working women that they feel inferior? Maybe IRL they hang out with people of the same caliber, and don't feel the need to puff up their days. Like, I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't know if you did this, but you implied that you and other educated working moms are of a higher caliber than PP. Was that what you meant to say?

Perhaps "caliber" was the wrong word. I surmised that the SAHMs who puff up their day to sound supes busy raising children and keeping their house are insecure specifically on this website, because there is a high % of highly educated working women. If they aren't doing this in IRL (telling other SAHMs how busy they are) because they feel more comfortable with them, are not insecure about talking about how quiet their days are.

When you talk to SAHMs in person, do you do things like imply that you're better than they are because you're an educated working woman, and that it makes sense that they'd feel insecure around you? I think that people just say things on this website that they wouldn't in person.

You must have missed this part of my post: I'd love to go to a daytime book club, pilates class and swing by the cafe to meet a friend for lunch. But don't tell me that's "so busy raising kids" lolol.

I don't think I'm better than anyone! I do work for many reasons, posted a while back. But the SAHM friends I have do not make up lies about how many times they clean bathrooms per day to make me think theyre so busy. They also dont imply that I'm a bad parent because I work, or that my house is dirty because I dont clean 5 bathrooms 7x a week. I am going to assume the ones who talk about how there's "no time left" to do much while your kid is at school are insecure and defensive over their choices. If someone wants to own their life of leisure, I'm here for it! But dont piss on my back and tell me its raining.

I was talking about your use of the word "caliber." You did say that "perhaps" it was the wrong word, but I don't see how you can say something like that and not feel superior to the people you said are of lesser caliber. I do think that a lot of the comments from SAHMs here are rude too, but I wonder if people are getting defensive or upset not because someone is actually being insulting, but because we can't help but infer an insult when someone defends a life choice that is different from our own.

I was responding to a specific post about how SAHMs dont do this IRL, only on DCUM, and what the differences may be and I apologize if my word choice triggered you.

Some of the posts on this thread are insulting. Especially considering it was supposed to be about why working women work, and seems to have been taken over with SAHMs justifying how they spend their time instead.

Why do you find it insulting that a SAHM runs errands during the day?

Do you find it insulting that people without children are running errands or going to book club in the evening?

I don't think you understood the post...

I think I did.

I think if a bunch of people came on this thread and started posting about how they didn’t have kids because they wanted to maintain their career, you wouldn’t feel so insulted.

You also wouldn’t force them to account for their time evenings and weekends and tell them how unproductive they are.

I think many people would find that insulting actually. Maybe you wouldn't, but I definitely would. It adds nothing to the conversation, it's just chatter from people who want attention, distracting from the actual topic. It costs nothing to make your own thread about whatever you want lol. More power to you to do that! Derailing other peoples threads is inappropriate internet etiquette, but there are many people on here (and trolls) who love to do it.

You're right that I wouldn't force them to account for their time on evenings and weekends, nor have I done that with any one else who posted here.

You have asked women who primarily work taking care of their children to account for their time when the children aren’t home.
Then you accused them of lying, puffing up their day, pretending to be so busy, feeling insecure, and being ineffective with their time.

I’m not a SAHM, but I feel compelled to defend them. And I am sure that your comments have caused several people casually looking at this thread to post.

If you want to know why SAHMs are posting in this thread, that’s why.

DP. Actually OP asked about WORKING MOMS but the SAHMs just can't help themselves and had to jump in. So who is the problem, exactly?

NP wondering the same thing! I have been watching this thread that was clearly asking a question of working moms get overtaken by SAHMs with an apparent axe to grind. It could have been an interesting conversation among moms about what is worthwhile about their jobs but instead is another silly DCUM judgment-fest where SAHMs defend their decisions not to work.

Insecurities. They literally can't help themselves. It's a sick obsession.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Most people work for money. Their family needs it whether they are saving for college or retirement. Most people don’t have the option of not working without trade offs. Some people are lucky to have a job that they enjoy and have decent work life balance but they need the job to be paid.

I walked away from a finance career. It seems easier to walk away from law or finance. I know many many former lawyers, consultants or finance professionals who decided to stay home with kids and are married to a very high earner.

There are some women who may be trying to cure cancer or doing social work helping foster kids or some other worldly job. Most people work because they have to.

Great but this thread is about people who need to work but still do.

Sorry don't need to work but still do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people work for money. Their family needs it whether they are saving for college or retirement. Most people don’t have the option of not working without trade offs. Some people are lucky to have a job that they enjoy and have decent work life balance but they need the job to be paid.

I walked away from a finance career. It seems easier to walk away from law or finance. I know many many former lawyers, consultants or finance professionals who decided to stay home with kids and are married to a very high earner.

There are some women who may be trying to cure cancer or doing social work helping foster kids or some other worldly job. Most people work because they have to.

That's literally what this thread is about. Women talking about why they work when they don't have to.

Gosh do people even read the titles here?

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Anonymous wrote:Think really hard about what you’re asking here, OP. It’s 2024. What if we asked all the DHs out there why they still work even if their wife makes a lot of money?

If my income alone was in 7 figures, DH would quit instantly. You make a good point about asking if men want to work because I think so many would love to dedicate their time to other things (some in and some out of the home). We just hear the voices of those saying they would always have a job but I think a lot would be very grateful for at the very least, a hiatus. Like other pps, our end goal is FIRE with less than zero apprehension of how to fill our time.

Of all the people I know where the wife makes enough for the H to stay home, and the h is employable none of the H’s stay home.

I have 1 SAHD friend, he is a great dad, I love him to death, but he’d even tell you he is unemployable.

My friend group is pretty religious and conservative with a lot of SAHP. I would say about 1/3 of the families with a SAHP have a SAHD.

I can also only think of one SAHD I know outside of this community.

I think that when raising children is considered valuable in your friend group and community at large, more men tend to take it on.

What % of those SAHD say they stay home in part to make things pleasant in the home and to have a happy wife? Curious if the thinking flips that far.

Your are misquoting me. I said DH comes home to a happy family. I never said that I do it to have a happy husband. I do it for me and the kids, not necessarily DH.

My husband will say happy wife is a happy life though. We say this in our house all the time. I never say happy husband happy life.

Wait until your H loses his job or becomes disabled and tell me how happy the family is.

Most men come home to a happy family no matter the working status of the wife. Actually SAHM's often want to do a hand off as soon as men get home... tag your it, which actually causes lots of issues.

As of now, DH’s career is as strong as ever. He is making several million per year. I don’t think he is losing his job anytime soon. Even if he did, we have more money than we need. Neither he or I have to work.

Too bad he's such a bad father he'd rather be a "corporate cog" than at home with his family

I’m not sure why you would think he is a bad father. I’m a good mom. He is a great dad. We have awesome kids.

Before getting attacked again, I plan to go back to work at some point. As others have said, I want to put use my education and do something interesting and worthwhile. I likely will not be returning to finance.