How long did it take?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op Here. I was in individual counseling for a few months prior to begging him to go to counseling with me. We went 5 times and the counselor basically told him that he needed to say what he needed from me in order to feel secure and trust me. He couldn't exactly pinpoint what he needed besides me going out with my friends. Which I did. That still didn't help.

We have three kids. They know that "Mom and Dad are going through a tough time" and they have expressed their fears of us getting a divorce. It breaks my heart because I would rather stay in a shitty marriage to make my kids happy if that's what I need to do.

I cheated because he's gone 5 months out of the year and we lost connection. It was my fault. I know this.

From this outside perspective - your husband sounds like an asshole who is more interested in making you miserable, even if it makes everyone miserable. He would rather everyone be unhappy, including your children, so long as it continues to punish you.

No wonder you strayed.

You made a mistake, one many people make, especially when there is an absence in the marriage. He can see you as a human worthy of love and a second chance, but he doesn't and probably will never? I am of the same belief as you - that children deserve an intact home if at all possible. But I would probably give counselling one last shot and make it clear he truly forgives you or cut the cord on this.

[Anonymous]

Have you read any books together (or, more accurately, read individually and then discussed)? I'm only a few months into trying to heal from my husband's emotional and ultimately sexual affair. I don't have to tell you it's complicated, and that each of us has to work really hard individually before anything collective even begins to make sense. We're in individual and couples counseling, but I've found the thing that has opened up conversation the most is reading something and then talking about our reactions. It's hard as heck right now, so I'm not saying I know the answers, but just an idea. Shirley Glass, Not Just Friends and somebody, After the Affair are two books that come to mind.

I have to also say that even now I can say what I think I need to feel secure and trust my husband, but those things have and continue to change. And it seems like he is "moving on" much faster than I am, as I understand to generally be the case. Remember you got to process your affair as it happened. He only started processing when he found out. And finding out shook the core of everything he believed to be true in his life. It's trauma, plain and simple. So it might be worth a restart of that conversation with your husband. Maybe he didn't know when you went to counseling. Or maybe he knew but it changed and he couldn't figure out how to ask for something different. Or maybe he's just stuck in anger and you both need to give this your best shot before you walk away.

In the end, my take is: either you reach towards your spouse or you reach away from your spouse in hard times. Your affair was a choice to reach away from your husband. This is a chance to reach towards him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you go to individual counseling?
Why did you cheat?
Do you have children?

Because she is a bad human. there is no other reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well... you cheated. He gets to bring it up from now on. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

So she should never be happy in her marriage?

Trust is earned. She broke the trust and she needs to earn it back. She hasn't done that else he would be over it. Its the same thing when a man cheats. If the wife wants to keep him she can forgive him if he earns the trust back. She is in the same spot. Earn the trust back or admit you want to leave and divorce the husband. don't put the problem in the marriage on the husband. He didn't cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op Here. I was in individual counseling for a few months prior to begging him to go to counseling with me. We went 5 times and the counselor basically told him that he needed to say what he needed from me in order to feel secure and trust me. He couldn't exactly pinpoint what he needed besides me going out with my friends. Which I did. That still didn't help.

We have three kids. They know that "Mom and Dad are going through a tough time" and they have expressed their fears of us getting a divorce. It breaks my heart because I would rather stay in a shitty marriage to make my kids happy if that's what I need to do.

I cheated because he's gone 5 months out of the year and we lost connection. It was my fault. I know this.

He will never trust you again because you can't be trusted. You never fully committed to individual counseling to find out why you choose to cheat when faced with adversity in your marriage. A few months is not a long time.

I cheated because he is gone part of the year... NO! You cheated because you deal with adversity by cheating. Why?

Until you figure out why you cheated and put things in place to stop cheating as a way to deal with your own issues he should never trust you.

Get a new therapist.... the one you had sucked. They would not let you get away with "I cheat because my H has to travel for work".

Is he military? sounds like typical unfaithful wife. I like how he is gone so you cheated... you are putting the blame on him. I know you said "it was my fault" but that is just so that DCUM doesn't pounce on you. You obviously don't really feel like that or your post would be different. You do not express any real remorse for your actions. You want him to get over it. He might get over it easier if he saw and felt that you really got it and felt remorse and were correcting your ways. You haven't so he isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you go to individual counseling?
Why did you cheat?
Do you have children?

Because she is a bad human. there is no other reason.

What are you, 10?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well... you cheated. He gets to bring it up from now on. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

So she should never be happy in her marriage?

Trust is earned. She broke the trust and she needs to earn it back. She hasn't done that else he would be over it. Its the same thing when a man cheats. If the wife wants to keep him she can forgive him if he earns the trust back. She is in the same spot. Earn the trust back or admit you want to leave and divorce the husband. don't put the problem in the marriage on the husband. He didn't cheat.

She quit her job, she doesn't go out with friends, he has full access to her phone. What is she holding back on exactly?

[Anonymous]

You would have to give a really good honest reason from deep in your core as to why you cheated and then have an honest and believable reason why it's fixed . Couples have resentment over time anyways this just makes it worse. You may have to separate and see how both of you feel for therapy

[Anonymous]

I would never be able to trust you ever again. I would divorce you. The fact that he is still with you might mean that he wants to trust you, he just can't yet. I like the suggestion of seeing a new therapist. She may be able to help him get past his anger.

[Anonymous]

Some people are able to use a cheating experience to address long-standing issues & then work them out thus strengthening the marriage.

Others may NEVER EVER forget the humiliation, deception, betrayal and dishonesty that linger after an affair has ended.

I am the latter and it sounds like your husband is too.

This is a major consequence of stepping outside of your union.

Sure your spouse may take you back, however not w/out a price tag attached.

He will always be:

• distrustful
• angry
• resentful
• bitter

It is entirely up to you if you can live the rest of your life out under these terms.

Only you can decide this.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be able to trust you again. I think you deserve love and to be happy, but not from the person you're currently married to.

My opinion on the kid situation is that of course it'll be a shock to them initially if you split up. But if you think they can't tell that you guys are resentful, distrusting, and don't have a good, loving relationship, you are wrong. Kids can tell. Is this the type of relationship you want them to grow up seeing and believing is normal and acceptable? Would you want your children to have a relationship like this? No? Then why would you want that to be the most influential model of marriage for them?

[Anonymous]

You messed up, and you've discovered that he can't forgive you. Lesson learned I suppose.

Move on, or continue to live in misery.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you should've slept with the guy, then at least you would've gotten something tangible out of all of this misery your husband is putting you through.

[Anonymous]

OP - It is hard to answer you in that all of a sudden you said DH is gone five months of the year? So is he still because if not, then no wonder little progress is being made since half the year almost he is not even there physically in the marriage. Maybe the two of you need to go to a couple's therapist and figure out if this relationship can be saved if you both are not in the same place enough to work on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op Here. I was in individual counseling for a few months prior to begging him to go to counseling with me. We went 5 times and the counselor basically told him that he needed to say what he needed from me in order to feel secure and trust me. He couldn't exactly pinpoint what he needed besides me going out with my friends. Which I did. That still didn't help.

We have three kids. They know that "Mom and Dad are going through a tough time" and they have expressed their fears of us getting a divorce. It breaks my heart because I would rather stay in a shitty marriage to make my kids happy if that's what I need to do.

I cheated because he's gone 5 months out of the year and we lost connection. It was my fault. I know this.

He will never trust you again because you can't be trusted. You never fully committed to individual counseling to find out why you choose to cheat when faced with adversity in your marriage. A few months is not a long time.

I cheated because he is gone part of the year... NO! You cheated because you deal with adversity by cheating. Why?

Until you figure out why you cheated and put things in place to stop cheating as a way to deal with your own issues he should never trust you.

Get a new therapist.... the one you had sucked. They would not let you get away with "I cheat because my H has to travel for work".

+100. You had a terrible therapist. The cheating is not about him or his travel. It is about how you choose to deal with problems.