Hate my mooching ILs...what should I do?
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Anonymous
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Dated DH for 2 years prior to 1-year engagement and have been married for 2 years. While we were dating I met his parents a few times and they seemed kooky but overall normal....
DH told me that at various points during childhood he lived close to the poverty line because his father was frequently out of work and his mom did not work. Also to clarify both of his parents have college degrees and his dad basically was unwilling to do a lot of different types of work because he essentially viewed it as beneath him (this is DH's interpretation). However, upon getting married I discovered that this was basically the tip of the ice berg. I think DH was essentially emotionally abused in ways that I find completely insane. His parents would have marital disputes, for example, and insist that he mediate them as a child. His mom would get upset with him at times for stupid little kid stuff and take all of his photos off the wall. She was actually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder years ago, rejected the diagnosis and to my knowledge never got treatment. She also takes very heavy prescription drugs at what I would imagine would at the very least be a weekly basis (I believe that she has an actual back issue for which she was overprescribed medicine and has never really been able to decrease). His parents would argue to the point where cops would be called and DH would have to mediate with them as well. His mom also told one of my family members that his dad would see prostitutes during a period in time in which DH was financially supporting them. I haven't told my husband this because I don't really see the point other than to make him feel embarrassed. But obviously I am concerned about their grandparenting skills. I don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I feel betrayed because I told him everything, both good and bad (and there was definitely some bad stuff), about my family during premarital counseling and he had ample opportunity to tell me the truth, both then and later, which he has acknowledged that he didn't do. The other annoying thing is that because both his parents, his mother especially, grew up well off they spend money that they don't have and make all their decisions based on things besides money. I.e. where would I like to live? rather than where can I afford to live. Basically DH had to bail them out when his dad couldn't find suitable work. I try so hard not to be judgmental or to compare them to my parents but it's tough. They have asked us for about $2K this year and have asked him for much more in the past. I currently make more money than DH, although that will likely change in a few years, which i don't mind but not if our financial goals are not in alignment. When I talk to him about it we have the same plans yet whenever they ask he seems to give in. I know that at their age they probably aren't going to have a super comfortable life but it annoys me that they will consistently do and get things they can't afford (newest iphones, 2 bedroom apartments, etc) and when they run out of money he bails them out. Also, they have had a TON of help along the way. Down payments to homes, decent sized inheritance, etc. They just consistently don't work and try and live a lifestyle that they can't afford. I love my husband but I am not going to do this the rest of my life. Also he is an only child and his parents have basically burned a lot of bridges with their family members by constantly borrowing large sums of money from them and never paying them back. We make decent money but at least in the short term are definitely not going to be able to support the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed. Like DH has put no money away for retirement in the past 3 years, we have student loans, and are presumably saving for a down payment for a home. We make a decent income but also don't have kids and I am not going to put myself in a position where I can't give my kids all of the opportunities they need to flourish because of his parents. I also don't mind helping them a little but I feel like it should be to supplement when they have exhausted all their options, including any sort of social welfare programs for which they might be eligible, and not the first thing they think of when they can't afford something they want or when they get in trouble for not reporting income to the IRS. I guess what I want to know is...am I crazy or is this actually unexceptable? I would like to make this marriage work but is it fixable? While they were asking us for money, I asked DH to contact our pastor who did our premarital counseling so that we can discuss strategies which he did not do. I feel nervous just saying straight up "this situation makes me wonder if we should get divorced" because I know he is going to freak out but I'm not sure if he gets how serious this is to me. |
Anonymous
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OP,
How old are you guys, if you don't mind my asking? It doesn't sound like a good situation. Being an only child, I guess he feels even more responsible for his parents. Did he never tell you before you were married that he had bailed them out previously? |
Anonymous
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I definitely think couples counseling is in order. If you can't find a common ground now, you're going to end up divorcing once you have kids which is going to be even messier and harder.
If you're this conflicted now (COMPLETELY justifiably) think what will happen when you can't afford a college fund/school tuition/school trip or whatever kid wants emerge - because you're bailing out your infantile in laws.... One of my best friends has in laws like this and it's a strain on their marriage. The only reason it hasn't broken them is DW (my friend) is retired and DH makes a ton of money (over $1 mil/ty). To her its less irritating because it's not coming out of her salary AND it doesn't require giving anything else up. It still causes a ton of fights. |
Anonymous
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You and your DH need to have a big sit down about this NOW. He needs to be saving for retirement, and you need to be paying off student loans. After those two things are met, is there extra cash leftover which you feel ok sending his parents? If so, then set a LIMIT on how much monthly they can have.
The tough part will be your DH putting up boundaries. It sounds like he never has. His parents have been manipulating him his entire life, this will be a hard pattern to break. You need couples counseling NOW. Do not have kids until you two have resolved this in a way where you BOTH feel ok about it (how his parents feel is not relevant). You need a neutral 3rd party to help you navigate this. |
Anonymous
| I can certainly empathize with your situation since my husband's extended family is also financially insolvent and frequently would ask ask for handouts. I think counseling could definitely help you guys to meet reach an agreement about how much money you're willing to give to his family. Your husband has an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship with his parents. It sounds like he harbors a lot of guilt about it and perhaps counseling can help |
Anonymous
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I can definitely sympathize with your situation. You have a few options in how to deal with it.
I think the ideal path forward is getting on the same page with your husband and presenting a united front. That may look like a policy of "we will ensure you don't go hungry, but we no longer provide direct cash transfers" but you make your time & effort available to help them navigate signing up for food stamps, applying for senior living, etc. If they refuse your help or insist on an apartment they can't afford, then that's the final stop on the gravy train. When/if they get into a bind and call your husband to pay their rent, you don't - but you might arrange for groceries to be delivered over the next month and pay the grocer directly. I'm just giving an example here. A less ideal option, but one that is better than divorce - decide between yourself & DH how much of his income you're willing to consider as no longer "ours" but instead, exclusively his. Let him keep that designated amount of funds aside in a separate account. When his parents call him, he's free to disburse as much from that side account as he feels moved to, but when that account empties, there is no dipping into the pooled family accounts. Perhaps that amount will be 5% of whatever he makes, or perhaps it will be a capped dollar amount. This is obviously less ideal, but if he has this unhealthy enabling dynamic with them that it's not realistic to expect him to break anytime soon, then this policy at least contains the impact on your family - and you hopefully can be less resentful about it because you know exactly how much it is and you would have agreed to no longer consider it "ours." Plenty of couples have arrangements like this - the bulk of their salary is pooled "family" money, but a small side pot is separate and not subject to consensus-based decisions. Usually this is more for expensive hobbies, but no reason it couldn't be applied here as well. |
Anonymous
I like this. After years of conditioning/abuse/brainwashing by his parents, it will be hard for your DH to completely cut them off. He needs to get his own retirement in order, pay off student loans, establish a good financial base for your nuclear family. Then from his own account, he can give money to his parents. |
Anonymous
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My DH is in this exact situation. His mom never worked and was supported entirely by her upper middle class parents. DH's dad is a deadbeat, out of the picture. They lived a long time and ended up leaving her about $700,000 that she has used to pay off debts, dabble in real estate flipping, and generally spend on things she couldn't otherwise afford. Other than that she's done no retirement planning.
DH also inherited some money from his grandparents - about $500,000. It is now in an account that we will use to support her as she ages. I could be upset that this is money we could use to send our kids to college, or take an amazing vacation, but I'm fine letting DH use it for his mom. |
Anonymous
| You and DH need marriage counseling to try to work this issue out otherwise you'll be angry and resentful in the marriage. You don't want to live that way. If you don't have kids and your DH refuses to address his issues w/ parents, the $$ and not telling you this info. pre-marriage then you may want to consider divorce. |
Anonymous
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That's a lot of nerve for his parents to do that knowing you guys are just starting out in your life. It's also very selfish!!!
I'm sure more is to come and you won't see that money. Would he ever move to another state? Had some horrible inlaws and we moved almost 2 hours away which helped a lot. No more drop-ins, but I would have moved out of state if I could have convinced dh. |
Anonymous
you are a better woman than i. |
Anonymous
Better than I, as well. I would find it very hard to swallow that pill. |
Anonymous
| In addition to marriage counseling, you need to work with a financial advisor. DH and I have had some similar challenges and I found having a 3rd party to work with us on financial goals beneficial - not just because it will help us meet our needs but also because it's a neutral 3rd party who's telling him what needs to be done and not me. When he balked at doing it, I could then take it to relationship counseling as an issue of him prioritizing his parents over our stability. That would then lead to a discussion on how his dysfunctional upbringing, how it was unhealthy and then how we could work together to get him to a more healthy place. It's been tough but over 20 years, the progress is amazing. |
Anonymous
That is no joke...spending 500K on a woman who won't support herself instead of putting away for kids college? Incredibly selfish... |
Anonymous
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You say: "I want to fix this before I reach my point of no return and get a divorce." Please realize that it's better to be honest and direct rather than beat about the bush. Also, your husband has been severely traumatized during his childhood, has been brought up to save his parents from their own mistakes and so he will. not. do. anything. about it unless he's forced to. Either he prefers to keep you and limit contact with his parents (and stop helping them), or he prefers to lose you and stay with them. Either way, you'll know in about a year and then you'll both be able to move on. |