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[quote=Anonymous]Dated DH for 2 years prior to 1-year engagement and have been married for 2 years.  While we were dating I met his parents a few times and they seemed kooky but overall normal....

DH told me that at various points during childhood he lived close to the poverty line because his father was frequently out of work and his mom did not work.  Also to clarify both of his parents have college degrees and his dad basically was unwilling to do a lot of different types of work because he essentially viewed it as beneath him (this is DH's interpretation).

However, upon getting married I discovered that this was basically the tip of the ice berg.  I think DH was essentially emotionally abused in ways that I find completely insane.  His parents would have marital disputes, for example, and insist that he mediate them as a child.  His mom would get upset with him at times for stupid little kid stuff and take all of his photos off the wall.  She was actually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder years ago, rejected the diagnosis and to my knowledge never got treatment.  She also takes very heavy prescription drugs at what I would imagine would at the very least be a weekly basis (I believe that she has an actual back issue for which she was overprescribed medicine and has never really been able to decrease).  His parents would argue to the point where cops would be called and DH would have to mediate with them as well.  His mom also told one of my family members that his dad would see prostitutes during a period in time in which DH was financially supporting them.  I haven't told my husband this because I don't really see the point other than to make him feel embarrassed.  But obviously I am concerned about their grandparenting skills.

I don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.  I feel betrayed because I told him everything, both good and bad (and there was definitely some bad stuff), about my family during premarital counseling and he had ample opportunity to tell me the truth, both then and later, which he has acknowledged that he didn't do.  The other annoying thing is that because both his parents, his mother especially, grew up well off they spend money that they don't have and make all their decisions based on things besides money.  I.e. where would I like to live? rather than where can I afford to live.  Basically DH had to bail them out when his dad couldn't find suitable work.  I try so hard not to be judgmental or to compare them to my parents but it's tough.

They have asked us for about $2K this year and have asked him for much more in the past. I currently make more money than DH, although that will likely change in a few years, which i don't mind but not if our financial goals are not in alignment.  When I talk to him about it we have the same plans yet whenever they ask he seems to give in.  I know that at their age they probably aren't going to have a super comfortable life but it annoys me that they will consistently do and get things they can't afford (newest iphones, 2 bedroom apartments, etc) and when they run out of money he bails them out.  Also, they have had a TON of help along the way.  Down payments to homes, decent sized inheritance, etc.  They just consistently don't work and try and live a lifestyle that they can't afford.

I love my husband but I am not going to do this the rest of my life.  Also he is an only child and his parents have basically burned a lot of bridges with their family members by constantly borrowing large sums of money from them and never paying them back.  We make decent money but at least in the short term are definitely not going to be able to support the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.  Like DH has put no money away for retirement in the past 3 years, we have student loans, and are presumably saving for a down payment for a home.  We make a decent income but also don't have kids and I am not going to put myself in a position where I can't give my kids all of the opportunities they need to flourish because of his parents.  I also don't mind helping them a little but I feel like it should be to supplement when they have exhausted all their options, including any sort of social welfare programs for which they might be eligible, and not the first thing they think of when they can't afford something they want or when they get in trouble for not reporting income to the IRS.

I guess what I want to know is...am I crazy or is this actually unexceptable?  I would like to make this marriage work but is it fixable?  While they were asking us for money, I asked DH to contact our pastor who did our premarital counseling so that we can discuss strategies which he did not do.  I feel nervous just saying straight up "this situation makes me wonder if we should get divorced" because I know he is going to freak out but I'm not sure if he gets how serious this is to me.  [/quote]

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