Ned advice about gift giving, taking back and family drama - LONG - sorry
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Anonymous
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AGH – I don’t even know where to begin. Please let me know if I’m right or my DH is right. About 2 years ago my MIL gave us her old living room set. It consisted of a loveseat, 2 chairs, coffee table and 3 end tables – all matching. We thanked her and were very grateful.
About 3 months ago my DH’s sister (my SIL) finished building an in-law suite that’s attached to her house but a sort of completely separate living space. She needed to finish it because ILs (her husband’s parents) were coming for an extended visit (about a month) and she wanted to give them a separate living space to stay. Well, my MIL told SIL that she had “the perfect chairs” that would fit perfectly in the in-law suite living room area and told my DH that his sister “needed” the chairs she gave us. My DH let them take the chairs and one end table. (She also took a nightstand table from us that MIL also gave us at the same time) Toward the end of the ILs visit, SIL called me and asked about the furniture. She said she didn’t know if we wanted it or not because of the way MIL was talking and asked if we were using it. I told her honestly that we don’t have any other living room furniture and we were using it. That she could keep the nightstand table because we weren’t really using that, but the livingroom furniture was our main pieces. She said she totally understood and would drop off the chairs and end table as soon as the in-laws left, which they were flying home about 3 days later (that weekend). It’s been about 2 months now and SIL hasn’t returned the furniture, hasn’t called or made any effort. In fact, this past weekend she took pictures of her new in-law suite and posted on facebook and the pics all show my furniture. I mentioned this to DH and he got mad saying it was a gift to begin with and we should just be grateful we got it for that long. I, OTOH, now have half a LR set. I want SIL to either take the whole set (which wouldn’t fit in the new space) or give us back the chairs. DH won’t let me confront his sister about it – he said it’s not her fault MIL offered her the chairs. So now – what do I do? Do I junk the rest of the LR furniture and suck it up and buy a whole new set? Contact SIL behind DH’s back? For all I know SIL could have simply forgotten and if I remind her she’ll give it back. We really can’t afford to get new furniture, but I will if we have to. And right now, we only have a small love seat in that room – we drag our kitchen chairs into the LR when people come to visit. Oh, and it’s an unusual enough set where I can’t find nice chairs (and 1 endtable) that matches. |
Anonymous
| And just what good would come out of your calling SIL? Your husband will be mad and you're probably not getting it back. What you thought wasn't gift turned out to be a loan. Accept it and move on. If you want living room furniture get some or else continue to make do as you have been. |
Anonymous
| First you call SIL and politely say you are just calling to sort it out. If she wants to keep the chairs, ask her if she would like anything else - if not donate it. Then go to ikea and get new stuff. Then you need to have a drink and forget about the whole thing. |
Anonymous
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I'd tell DH either he calls his sister tonight or you do. Then I'd say to her "Hi Susie, I'm calling about the living room furniture. When is a good time for you to come by to return the two living room chairs? Or ... were you planning to keep them? I'm a little confused about what the plan is. Last time we talked you said you were giving them back, but has that changed?"
Then see what she says. They WERE a gift. If she doesn't want to give back the chairs, suck it up and let it go. It's not worth wrecking relationships over. Just save up and buy new chairs at a cheaper place like CB2 or Cost Plus or Ikea or something. |
Anonymous
| Call SIL and be nice about it - ask how she interpreted. |
Anonymous
| Perfect excuse to buy new furniture and its DH's family's fault so he can't complain. |
Anonymous
But OP said they can't afford to do that. |
Anonymous
| Yep -- tell DH either he gets the furniture back or you give it all away and start over. Most furniture stores offer 0% financing for a year. You can make it work. |
Anonymous
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Gracious! Why did you let her have the chairs to begin with? Your MIL gave them to you, they were yours and DH's, not MIL's to dole out. Setting boundaries earlier in the process would save some hassle.
Call up SIL and ask her to bring back the chairs this weekend. |
Anonymous
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OK your inlaws are crazy for taking away a gift they gave you and gave it to someone else.
That being said, matching living room furniture isn't in style anymore. You're probably better off decorating in your own taste and style. |
Anonymous
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Since your dh has weighed in and doesn't want you to say anything, I think you're stuck. It was rude of your MIL to take back something she gave you to give to SIL. Maybe she wanted to make a good impression on SIL's inlaws - make herself look good at your expense.
I guess a kind of underhanded way to go about it would be to reach out to SIL and ask her if she wants the remaining pieces, since you're about to buy new. If she really did intend to give you the chairs back this would be a reminder and she might offer them up. If dh gets mad you can truthfully tell him you didn't ask for them back. If SIL doesn't offer to give them to you, then you could ask your MIL if she wants to take the remaining pieces back. I wouldn't accept any more "gifts" from you MIL. Or if you do, you could be make passive aggressive jokes about it every time you see them. Wow, great, thank you so much, we'd love to have that coffee table, well, at least until the next addition to SIL's house. |
Anonymous
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Your feeling are valid and it is a really weird situation. MIL should have never taken them back and DH should have handled it then and SIL should have followed up on what she said.
I think the PP mentioned that says to offer the remaining pieces to your SIL is right. I would have your DH do it. I think if you get rid of the pieces and they find out then you are opening up more drama. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for all the responses. To the pp that asked why we gave MIL the pieces in the first place - it was done while I wasn't home 
To the pp that said matching pieces aren't "in" anymore. Yes, they aren't matchy-matchy but the loveseat and coffee-table and one end table (which is what's left) is odd and even finding LR chairs that fit in (not even match, but fit in) is hard. We really can't afford to buy new furniture, but I will if I must - like others mentioned, there's always credit. Thanks everyone for at least validating what is a pretty weird dynamic with the inlaws. We all have a pleasant enough relationship that I don't want to appear to be the bitch demanding used furniture back. But I am kind of mad since SIL is pretty well off (far richer than we are) and I'm feeling sorry for myself that we have to go out and buy new furniture for our own living space (that we use) just so SIL can have a furnished in-law suite that's rarely used. But that's just me feeling sorry for myself. |
Anonymous
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Is it anyone other than myself who thinks this is all the husband's fault for giving away a gift?
I would not call anyone but my DH to ask what the hell he was thinking. My DH would have asked his mother if she had a memory probably and forgot that the she gave us the furniture and if we give it away what are we supposed to use> And at this point, would make a mental note not to ever take anything from MIL ever again. Who gives away furniture to a bunch of different people. |
Anonymous
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I am sitting here really and truly trying to imagine how a grown ass person just gives away their living room furniture without at least consulting their spouse. Especially when they had no plans on replacing said furniture!
WTH??! |