Ned advice about gift giving, taking back and family drama - LONG - sorry

[Anonymous]

OP, everyone but you in this situation is ridiculous. I agree re: a single friendly phone call, but moving on...

If you want furniture help and are at ALL into vintage/eclectic stuff, you can kill at an auction. And I'm talking solid wood, lasts forever, and not in absolute perfect (cosmetic) condition, so kind of nice with kids (although we had ours pre-kids, too).

We got a beautiful 1930s wooden framed sofa comfy enough to sleep on, about $3000 in an antique store, for $180. Armchair was like $50. Side tables well under $100 total. We have a great Arts & Crafts marble topped dresser that was like... IDK? $70, I want to say.

This is my favorite place in the DC area, but just Google:

http://www.laurelauction.com/index.htm

I have more advice along these lines (how to pick up, etc.) if folks are interested-- this was my business for a short while. I won't really buy any other way now. But it does depend on taste-- it's not going to look like Ikea or a furniture showroom (not a lot of matching upholstery, for example). OTOH, it lasts about 10x as long.

[Anonymous]

That's so weird and I can't believe your MIL had the nerve to give something she already gave to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfect excuse to buy new furniture and its DH's family's fault so he can't complain.

+1. Let them have all the old stuff and make your husband buy new.

It's not 1955 anymore. OP and her DH BOTH have to buy new. The financial pain belongs to both of them.

No she picks out what she wants, he pays.

My husband's money is my money. It doesn't matter who pays.

[Anonymous]

Op, you have my condolences. Dealing with a selfish husband, a passive aggressive MIL and a lying SIL must really suck.

[Anonymous]

Your biggest problem is that your husband is so very wrong. He doesn't have healthy boundaries with his family, and he treats you like a second-class person in relation to them. He has little respect for you, or he would not have let them take your furniture without your agreeing to it. And now he's still putting their wants ahead of yours.

My in-laws are like yours, and have no boundaries or consideration. It took years and much therapy for my husband to disentangle himself from them and start backing me up and standing up for himself. The in-laws are the same as ever, but things are much better now because when a man has his partner's back and doesn't let Mommy run the show, the couple can solve most of the in-law problems between them and present a united front.

[Anonymous]

Lesson learned, never accept anything from ILs, even if it's something you can't afford to buy.

I would just live with half LR furniture, just to show DH how ridiculous it is, knowing that it would be taken away too when need arises.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if the furniture originally wasn't as much a gift as you think it was. Seems it appeared with an arrangement with your DH. Is it possible MIL's intention was to give it to you for use until you got your own furniture, and now years on, you still haven't? So, not as much of a gift as a loan, which is now kind of past reasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfect excuse to buy new furniture and its DH's family's fault so he can't complain.

+1. Let them have all the old stuff and make your husband buy new.

It's not 1955 anymore. OP and her DH BOTH have to buy new. The financial pain belongs to both of them.

No she picks out what she wants, he pays.

My husband's money is my money. It doesn't matter who pays.

My husband will say his money is my money and my money is my money. But, he did the screw up so he can at least put some effort into it.

Otherwise, I'd give it away and if money is an issue, I'd get some plastic lawn chairs and invite the inlaws over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's so weird and I can't believe your MIL had the nerve to give something she already gave to you.

THIS! Wtf?! It'd be one thing if your MIL suggested to her daughter that she CALL YOU AND ASK to borrow chairs for her new addition. But to just take it away like she still owns it? I would not accept another piece of furniture from this woman. Nope not ever. I'd work on getting rid of the stuff you have pronto. I know you said you can't afford it, but get to Ikea and make it happen. The piece of mind, and FREEDOM, of not having strings attached is worth the few thousand dollars.

What you do with the current furniture is up to you. I'd go super passive aggressive "oh MIL, you seemed to still want this furniture, so we'll replace it and give it back to you". Drop it on her door step. "Oh no! We're done with it! Thanks so much for LOANING it to us!" HUGE SMILE.

[Anonymous]

The furniture itself is not the important issue here. It's the way your husband allows his mother and sister to treat you. My husband used to allow his mother and sister to boss him around, but I took a stand 20 years ago, when we were still dating. If I were you, I would make a federal case out of this with your husband and change the whole dynamic. Do not continue to put up with this b.s.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but this is the price you pay for free stuff.

Consider chairs gone. MIL gaveth, MIL taketh away. SIL now receives. Disregard posters who say go out and buy new, if you could have afforded to do that, you wouldn't be in this stupid situation to begin with.

[Anonymous]

I think you may need marriage counseling. Your husband is very, very wrong to act like this.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'd be happy about being free of the old stuff. Get a new set. Message her ONCE asking her if she wants the rest of the furniture. If she doesn't, donate it and find something new. It will honestly feel so liberating you won't believe it.

[Anonymous]

OP here and thank you dcum. You made my morning validating EVERYTHING I'm feeling:

Yes, DH was an asshole for saying "ok" and we did fight over it when I got home. I came in and actually said the words most of you are saying "What the fuck?!?!?"

DH is saying what another pp said - "I am always telling you there is no "free" in "free gift" when my parents are giving" And he repeated that when I said get the chairs back when SIL's IL's left.

The reason he doesn't want me to call SIL is he doesn't want her to feel bad because "it's not her fault MIL is an ass and took back the chairs"

For those of you asking about why she gave us the furniture: She downsized from the big family home that they all lived in to a smaller house and had extra furniture (a couple extra bedroom sets, the LR set which was in her great room, a formal DR set, etc.) She offered all the kids any of those sets if we wanted them. We took the LR, I think DH's other sister took a BR set and the SIL that we're talking about here took some stuff - I don't remember now, but MIL offered us the furniture before selling it/donating it because it doesn't fit in her current smaller home.

I think I'll do what some of you suggest - call SIL and offer her the rest of the set because we need to have a full LR set and (like MIL did with her stuff) I will offer it to SIL before selling/donating it. She'll either ignore that she promised to give them back or she'll remember that she was going to return the chairs. That way I'll know once and for all.


To the pp with the furniture suggestions - thanks - I'll check that out.

[Anonymous]

I have a feeling that your SIL is sort of innocent in all this, that she has been getting mixed signals from MIL and DH. I don't know why she didn't follow up after reaching out to you, but I wouldn't be surprised if there's been more confusion about it. I'd forgive her in this, and talk to your DH. As I said before, just get rid of the stuff if SIL doesn't want it, and buy new.