What do I need to know about dating and possibly marrying a widowed father with young kids?

[Anonymous]

We're both 36 . I've never been married before and have no children.
His kids are 4 and 2 . Wife passed away in an accident when youngest was 4 months old.

I've already been warned he might just be looking for a mommy for the kids. This is from a judgmental friend. He hasn't done anything to make me think this.
She thinks this because I'm a former nanny and currently a preschool teacher.
We've been dating for 6 months.
I have not met the kids yet.

[Anonymous]

I'd be more worried about grief issues than the kids.

[Anonymous]

What does it matter why you both found each other? If you click and if you want to make a life with him and his kids, go ahead.

Do get some joint counselling as a couple before so that you are equipped to handle - grief issues, your own biological kid (if you want one), finances, different sets of relatives (first wife parents as well as the widower and yours...), finances (step kids may have money from their bio mother insurance), division of assets ....etc. Go to a professional person who knows how to guide both of you through this path. Be on the same page and go make a good life for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'd be more worried about grief issues than the kids.

+1 OP , if his youngest is 2 and his wife passed away when the child was 4 months old it's been barely 2 years. That's not a long time especially when you consider he's been caring for babies and toddlers 24/7 and probably working full time. I'd be worried he hasn't taken the time to grieve properly.

[Anonymous]

I think it's thoughtful on his part that he hasn't introduced you to his kids yet. He hasn't taken you on as a caretaker for his children but as a possible life partner.

Yeah, maybe he is looking for someone who's nurturing and caring because he and his daughters have been through a very traumatic life event.

And how long does one have to grieve for it to be acceptable to others?

One of the most important part of relationships is communication. You have to have a serious conversation and see that he can show you his feelings about the the accident, his children's loss of their birth mother.

[Anonymous]

My friend passed away in very similar circumstances (youngest was 3 months, oldest was 3). Her husband remarried after about 2.5 years. It has been a really good thing for everyone. They seen to have a very strong marriage. Some things that I think were helpful:

My friend's family was very encouraging and happy about it
New wife really did step in as a mother figure. She is super kind to the kids.
Husband is a good guy. He probably was still grieving when they met and part of the deal was that new wife would act as a mother towards the kids. But they also have a life as a couple and often leave the kids for long weekends with my friend's family.

It is a complicated thing, but at least in my friend's husband's case, everyone is happy.

[Anonymous]

I don't think he's looking for a mommy for the kids - especially since you haven't even met them yet (which is wise of him since it's still early days). But if you marry him, you will naturally be taking on that role. The well-being of his kids will be a priority, and whoever he is with will have to understand and support that. Plus play a maternal role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're both 36 . I've never been married before and have no children.
His kids are 4 and 2 . Wife passed away in an accident when youngest was 4 months old.

I've already been warned he might just be looking for a mommy for the kids. This is from a judgmental friend. He hasn't done anything to make me think this.
She thinks this because I'm a former nanny and currently a preschool teacher.
We've been dating for 6 months.
I have not met the kids yet.

What exactly is your judgmental friend warning you about? Because any dad worth his salt (hell, any man worth marrying) IS looking for a mommy for those kids. Any woman he brings into his home will, by default, be a mother to those children, perhaps the only mother they will ever know.

(Let me be clear: I'm not saying that he *needs* to find a mom for his kids. He's likely very capable of raising his children on his own, and he may not be looking to get married again. What I'm saying is that, if he does want to get married again, he *should* be evaluating any potential partner first and foremost on the basis of the kind of mother figure she will be. The biggest and most important responsibility on his plate for the next 20 years is the raising of his children. They come first. He may meet the woman of his dreams, the best possible partner for him, but if she isn't capable of being a good mom to his kids, he shouldn't partner with her. Period.)

So, assuming this guy is looking for a partner, you should assume--you should HOPE--that he is evaluating you in part on what kind of a mom you would be. Because if he wasn't doing that, he wouldn't be fulfilling his responsibilities to his children. And I personally would consider that a major personality flaw (even if I didn't want children myself) but YMMV.

So what do you need to know? If you marry this man, you should do it in part because you are willing to--want to--become a mom to those kids. It's not the same as marrying a divorced man (whose children already have a mother) or marrying a widowed man with teens (who remember their mom well or who have lived a long time without a mother and who at any rate will not be living with their father that much longer). In this situation, you would be signing on to raise those children almost from babyhood.

Personally, I wouldn't do it unless I came to a point where I was open to the idea of legally adopting the kids (even if he hadn't suggested it). That's how much I think you should be thinking "mom" here. The first question I think you should be considering is not "do I want to marry this man?" but "do I want to mother these children?" If the answer to the second question is no, the answer to the first question should be, too. And a good dad would want you to be thinking this way, too.

[Anonymous]

You mentioning what this friend thinks concerns me - concerns me about you.

[Anonymous]

He should be evaluating you as a potential mom. And you should be thinking about whether you would want to be their mom.

They are very young and have no other mom so you would be their mother figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should be evaluating you as a potential mom. And you should be thinking about whether you would want to be their mom.

They are very young and have no other mom so you would be their mother figure.

OP here.

I think what my friend meant was to be careful that was not the only reason he was dating me was to find a mommy, but she also thinks single parents should date.
I don't feel that is his only interest.
I hope he is evaluating me as a mom because that should be important to him, but to me there's a difference in doing that and just finding a mommy.

I'm not sure where you and pp got the idea I would have a problem with being a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend passed away in very similar circumstances (youngest was 3 months, oldest was 3). Her husband remarried after about 2.5 years. It has been a really good thing for everyone. They seen to have a very strong marriage. Some things that I think were helpful:

My friend's family was very encouraging and happy about it
New wife really did step in as a mother figure. She is super kind to the kids.
Husband is a good guy. He probably was still grieving when they met and part of the deal was that new wife would act as a mother towards the kids. But they also have a life as a couple and often leave the kids for long weekends with my friend's family.

It is a complicated thing, but at least in my friend's husband's case, everyone is happy.

I think the the one thing I have thought of is becoming an instamom. I do like kids and have always wanted kids. I never thought until now about being with someone who had a family until now, but you know what they say about life and plans.
Not sure how that would all work. From what he's told me his kids seem adorable and like typical kids of that age.

I do know his wife's family especially the MIL is still very involved, which is a good thing. He has told me( warned me? ) his MIL is very protective with a strong personality.

The thought of 2 potential MIL is scary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're both 36 . I've never been married before and have no children.
His kids are 4 and 2 . Wife passed away in an accident when youngest was 4 months old.

I've already been warned he might just be looking for a mommy for the kids. This is from a judgmental friend. He hasn't done anything to make me think this.
She thinks this because I'm a former nanny and currently a preschool teacher.
We've been dating for 6 months.
I have not met the kids yet.

What exactly is your judgmental friend warning you about? Because any dad worth his salt (hell, any man worth marrying) IS looking for a mommy for those kids. Any woman he brings into his home will, by default, be a mother to those children, perhaps the only mother they will ever know.

(Let me be clear: I'm not saying that he *needs* to find a mom for his kids. He's likely very capable of raising his children on his own, and he may not be looking to get married again. What I'm saying is that, if he does want to get married again, he *should* be evaluating any potential partner first and foremost on the basis of the kind of mother figure she will be. The biggest and most important responsibility on his plate for the next 20 years is the raising of his children. They come first. He may meet the woman of his dreams, the best possible partner for him, but if she isn't capable of being a good mom to his kids, he shouldn't partner with her. Period.)

So, assuming this guy is looking for a partner, you should assume--you should HOPE--that he is evaluating you in part on what kind of a mom you would be. Because if he wasn't doing that, he wouldn't be fulfilling his responsibilities to his children. And I personally would consider that a major personality flaw (even if I didn't want children myself) but YMMV.

So what do you need to know? If you marry this man, you should do it in part because you are willing to--want to--become a mom to those kids. It's not the same as marrying a divorced man (whose children already have a mother) or marrying a widowed man with teens (who remember their mom well or who have lived a long time without a mother and who at any rate will not be living with their father that much longer). In this situation, you would be signing on to raise those children almost from babyhood.

Personally, I wouldn't do it unless I came to a point where I was open to the idea of legally adopting the kids (even if he hadn't suggested it). That's how much I think you should be thinking "mom" here. The first question I think you should be considering is not "do I want to marry this man?" but "do I want to mother these children?" If the answer to the second question is no, the answer to the first question should be, too. And a good dad would want you to be thinking this way, too.

OP - sounds like you are thinking about this right but this PP says it perfectly. If you go further with this man, the question you should be asking is, do you want to start your marriage with two children? He may not want you to adopt them, but I think for this to really work, you will probably need to want to/be willing to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'd be more worried about grief issues than the kids.

Yeah. I know he hasn't dated much. He briefly saw 2 other women before me, but ended things with them quickly.
We haven't talked much about his wife or her death. He's shared somethings with me,but it's not a subject I bring up on my own.
I kind of assume a part of him will always be grieving anyway.

[Anonymous]

You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.