What do I need to know about dating and possibly marrying a widowed father with young kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

This is unfair. I am the pp whose friend passed away. Life can be difficult and complicated and unfair. But I really admire my friend's husband for choosing to be happy and go on with life after his wife died. But he found love again, the kids are happy and well-loved, and everyone is doing the best they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

NP here.

PP, you are a sad and miserable excuse for a human being. You must have a horrible life.

[Anonymous]

One thing you should consider is whether you want biological children and if he wants to have additional children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

Widow here. This is why I didn't remarry. FWBs only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing you should consider is whether you want biological children and if he wants to have additional children.

I would like bio kids. I realize I need to get on that quickly. He said he's open to more kids if the situation is right.

[Anonymous]

Does he act madly in love with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

Widow here. This is why I didn't remarry. FWBs only.

From what I have seen, women often don't remarry after the death of a spouse and men often do.

[Anonymous]

When I married my husband he was looking for a mom for his kids. Of course he didn't have any at the time

My point being, why would that be wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

Widower here. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I married my husband he was looking for a mom for his kids. Of course he didn't have any at the time

My point being, why would that be wrong?

Lol. Np here and that is a good point. Since OP is open to bio kids sometime soon (since she is 36), she is also looking for a father for her kids. I think the bigger question is if OP can deal with an instant family, having a family of 3-4 kids (adding in one or two children), a having 2 MIL including a strong personality MIL likely still grieving the loss of her daughter. If the answers are no, no, and heck no, you are wasting your time.

Everything else comes down to how does he treat you in the relationship, do you communicate well with each other,do you share the same values, is there attraction, do you enjoy being with each other etc. The fact that he has had other relationships (and didn't rush off get re-married right away), has an involved MIL, and has waited to introduce you to the kids makes me think he isn't rushing off to marry the first woman he sees just to have a mother for his children. He also may be one of those guys that enjoyed being married so while he is rushing off to marry just anyone, he doesn't want to stay single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

Widow here. This is why I didn't remarry. FWBs only.

From what I have seen, women often don't remarry after the death of a spouse and men often do.

Fellow widow who can't imagine re-marrying or finding anyone to live up to first husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should be evaluating you as a potential mom. And you should be thinking about whether you would want to be their mom.

They are very young and have no other mom so you would be their mother figure.

OP here.

I think what my friend meant was to be careful that was not the only reason he was dating me was to find a mommy, but she also thinks single parents should date.
I don't feel that is his only interest.
I hope he is evaluating me as a mom because that should be important to him, but to me there's a difference in doing that and just finding a mommy.

I'm not sure where you and pp got the idea I would have a problem with being a mom.

PP here. I did not get the idea that you would have a problem with being a mom, I was simply responding to the statement that you had been "warned" he might be looking for a mommy. And I was reacting only to that. He *should* be looking for a mommy. I have no opinion on whether you are okay with being a mom or not.

That said, I will point out that it is one thing to want to be a mom. It is another thing to want to be a mom to someone else's children. I say this without judgment. I actually think that when I was single and childless, I might have been okay with being a mom to someone else's children; a man with young children would not necessarily have been a turn-off for me. But now, with my own children, I can say with certainty that if something happened to DH and I were to consider remarrying again, I wouldn't marry a man with young children. At this point in my life, though I adore my own children, I don't want to raise anyone else's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

PP who said that OP should be willing to adopt the kids if she marries this guy (even if it never happens).

I don't think this is fair, at all. This man could have had a great marriage, and could miss his wife very much. But that doesn't mean he couldn't fall in love with another woman and even find her to be a more suitable partner in some ways than the first. He might even come to love her "more." It's perfectly ridiculous to think that there's only one person out there that can make you happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend passed away in very similar circumstances (youngest was 3 months, oldest was 3). Her husband remarried after about 2.5 years. It has been a really good thing for everyone. They seen to have a very strong marriage. Some things that I think were helpful:

My friend's family was very encouraging and happy about it
New wife really did step in as a mother figure. She is super kind to the kids.
Husband is a good guy. He probably was still grieving when they met and part of the deal was that new wife would act as a mother towards the kids. But they also have a life as a couple and often leave the kids for long weekends with my friend's family.

It is a complicated thing, but at least in my friend's husband's case, everyone is happy.

I think the the one thing I have thought of is becoming an instamom. I do like kids and have always wanted kids. I never thought until now about being with someone who had a family until now, but you know what they say about life and plans.
Not sure how that would all work. From what he's told me his kids seem adorable and like typical kids of that age.

I do know his wife's family especially the MIL is still very involved, which is a good thing. He has told me( warned me? ) his MIL is very protective with a strong personality.

The thought of 2 potential MIL is scary?

That would worry me more. I think that, of course, if you marry him, you will be a mommy of sorts. I'd actually be more concerned about whether or not he sets appropriate boundaries with the MIL and his wife's family.

I don't blame them for being involved, but I'd still worry about boundaries. It's one thing to be an instamom. It's another thing to have all of the responsibilities of a mom but not have any real say in what happens with the family/children.

If you get serious with him, you are going to want to have very frank conversations about how that will all work.

[Anonymous]

OP, of course you will be step-mom to his children. They may not be thrilled about this at first, but if you are nice to them and act as their mom (as much as you and the children's dad and MIL decide they want you to do so), eventually they will see you as their mom.

You are not very far along into this relationship. You have yet to meet the kids, the MIL, see the whole family situation. Take it as it comes.

At 36, time is fast approaching when you would need to decide whether you will have children or a child of your own. You can have a first child in your 40s, but it's harder to conceive, and you'll be more tired.

I would just wait. Enjoy dating this man if you like being with him. If he's just looking for a FWB, then you'd best find someone else who's serious about you. If he's open to more kids, then you'd have to seriously think about whether or not you want to be a mom to his kids. Because that's what you will be if you marry him. There's no way around it. He comes with two young children. You're not going to live with him and ignore the kids are you?

Every relationship comes with challenges. A friend married a man with a teenager from his previous marriage. This child was his first wife's child from her first marriage who thought of my friend's husband as her father. My friend had to accept this teenager if she wanted to marry her (now) husband. They had two children of their own, but the teenager, now an adult, is very much a part of their lives to this day.

Best of luck to you, OP.