Reply to What do I need to know about dating and possibly marrying a widowed father with young kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We're both 36 . I've never been married before and have no children.
His kids are 4 and 2 . Wife passed away in an accident when youngest was 4 months old.

I've already been warned he might just be looking for a mommy for the kids. This is from a judgmental friend. He hasn't done anything to make me think this.
She thinks this because I'm a former nanny and currently a preschool teacher.
We've been dating for 6 months. 
I have not met the kids yet.
[/quote]

What exactly is your judgmental friend warning you about? Because any dad worth his salt (hell, any man worth marrying) IS looking for a mommy for those kids. Any woman he brings into his home will, by default, be a mother to those children, perhaps the only mother they will ever know.

(Let me be clear: I'm not saying that he *needs* to find a mom for his kids. He's likely very capable of raising his children on his own, and he may not be looking to get married again. What I'm saying is that, if he does want to get married again, he *should* be evaluating any potential partner first and foremost on the basis of the kind of mother figure she will be. The biggest and most important responsibility on his plate for the next 20 years is the raising of his children. They come first. He may meet the woman of his dreams, the best possible partner for him, but if she isn't capable of being a good mom to his kids, he shouldn't partner with her. Period.)

So, assuming this guy is looking for a partner, you should assume--you should HOPE--that he is evaluating you in part on what kind of a mom you would be. Because if he wasn't doing that, he wouldn't be fulfilling his responsibilities to his children. And I personally would consider that a major personality flaw (even if I didn't want children myself) but YMMV.

So what do you need to know? If you marry this man, you should do it in part because you are willing to--want to--become a mom to those kids. It's not the same as marrying a divorced man (whose children already have a mother) or marrying a widowed man with teens (who remember their mom well or who have lived a long time without a mother and who at any rate will not be living with their father that much longer). In this situation, you would be signing on to raise those children almost from babyhood.

Personally, I wouldn't do it unless I came to a point where I was open to the idea of legally adopting the kids (even if he hadn't suggested it). That's how much I think you should be thinking "mom" here. The first question I think you should be considering is not "do I want to marry this man?" but "do I want to mother these children?" If the answer to the second question is no, the answer to the first question should be, too. And a good dad would want you to be thinking this way, too.[/quote]

OP - sounds like you are thinking about this right but this PP says it perfectly.  If you go further with this man, the question you should be asking is, do you want to start your marriage with two children?  He may not want you to adopt them, but I think for this to really work, you will probably need to want to/be willing to.[/quote]

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