What do I need to know about dating and possibly marrying a widowed father with young kids?

[Anonymous]

This may not be an issue since the kids are not in school yet, but you will be very harshly judged by the moms friends. Omg! The moms at our school were so unfriendly to our widows new wife.

Of course he wants a momfor his kids. You are not a pat time step mom, you will be raising these kids.

Meet his social group first. See if you can deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're both 36 . I've never been married before and have no children.
His kids are 4 and 2 . Wife passed away in an accident when youngest was 4 months old.

I've already been warned he might just be looking for a mommy for the kids. This is from a judgmental friend. He hasn't done anything to make me think this.
She thinks this because I'm a former nanny and currently a preschool teacher.
We've been dating for 6 months.
I have not met the kids yet.

What exactly is your judgmental friend warning you about? Because any dad worth his salt (hell, any man worth marrying) IS looking for a mommy for those kids. Any woman he brings into his home will, by default, be a mother to those children, perhaps the only mother they will ever know.

(Let me be clear: I'm not saying that he *needs* to find a mom for his kids. He's likely very capable of raising his children on his own, and he may not be looking to get married again. What I'm saying is that, if he does want to get married again, he *should* be evaluating any potential partner first and foremost on the basis of the kind of mother figure she will be. The biggest and most important responsibility on his plate for the next 20 years is the raising of his children. They come first. He may meet the woman of his dreams, the best possible partner for him, but if she isn't capable of being a good mom to his kids, he shouldn't partner with her. Period.)

So, assuming this guy is looking for a partner, you should assume--you should HOPE--that he is evaluating you in part on what kind of a mom you would be. Because if he wasn't doing that, he wouldn't be fulfilling his responsibilities to his children. And I personally would consider that a major personality flaw (even if I didn't want children myself) but YMMV.

So what do you need to know? If you marry this man, you should do it in part because you are willing to--want to--become a mom to those kids. It's not the same as marrying a divorced man (whose children already have a mother) or marrying a widowed man with teens (who remember their mom well or who have lived a long time without a mother and who at any rate will not be living with their father that much longer). In this situation, you would be signing on to raise those children almost from babyhood.

Personally, I wouldn't do it unless I came to a point where I was open to the idea of legally adopting the kids (even if he hadn't suggested it). That's how much I think you should be thinking "mom" here. The first question I think you should be considering is not "do I want to marry this man?" but "do I want to mother these children?" If the answer to the second question is no, the answer to the first question should be, too. And a good dad would want you to be thinking this way, too.

This poster is spot on. Very.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I think I made a mistake of including my friend's comment because people are clinging to that like velcro.

[Anonymous]

An "accident" OP? Make sure this wasn't an episode of Dateline that's yet to air.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he act madly in love with you?

He acts like a good boyfriend. He's a good person. We enjoy spending time together. I like most of his friends. He gets along with my friends. My sisters like him. I have not met his family yet, but he has recently brought up the idea of me meeting his sister.
He's supportive of me as a person. Chemistry is good.

All that's good it's more about navigating things in the future should we move things along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An "accident" OP? Make sure this wasn't an episode of Dateline that's yet to air.

She died in a car accident. He and the kids were in the car as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

PP who said that OP should be willing to adopt the kids if she marries this guy (even if it never happens).

I don't think this is fair, at all. This man could have had a great marriage, and could miss his wife very much. But that doesn't mean he couldn't fall in love with another woman and even find her to be a more suitable partner in some ways than the first. He might even come to love her "more." It's perfectly ridiculous to think that there's only one person out there that can make you happy.

You're always going to be competing with her ghost. You can't win that comparison.

It's a bad idea to date widows or widowers. They're damaged goods. Not their fault, but totally not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'd be more worried about grief issues than the kids.

+1

The kids are too young to remember the mom, frankly.

[Anonymous]

He was dating a year after she died? Nice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

NP here.

PP, you are a sad and miserable excuse for a human being. You must have a horrible life.

Because I told the truth? OP can NEVER compete with the ghost of those kids' dead mother. It's like dating a divorced guy, only worse, because she isn't an ex, she's a dead saint.

I've watched too many people in my family canonize their dead spouse. A decent guy/women suddenly becomes "Saint Whoever" after he/she dies. Nobody should live with that.

And those kids are going to be emotionally messed up. Take the difficulty of step-parenting and add depressed, traumatized kids to it. No freaking way.

Run, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

NP here.

PP, you are a sad and miserable excuse for a human being. You must have a horrible life.

Because I told the truth? OP can NEVER compete with the ghost of those kids' dead mother. It's like dating a divorced guy, only worse, because she isn't an ex, she's a dead saint.

I've watched too many people in my family canonize their dead spouse. A decent guy/women suddenly becomes "Saint Whoever" after he/she dies. Nobody should live with that.

And those kids are going to be emotionally messed up. Take the difficulty of step-parenting and add depressed, traumatized kids to it. No freaking way.

Run, OP!

I hate to say it, but I kind of agree with some of this. I've seen the Saint Whoever thing in action. It doesn't even matter if the person was abusive; they pass away, and suddenly the spouse regards the person as a saint. I don't know why people do this. Not all people do it, though.

I think that OP could probably tell a lot by how the husband talks about the wife if this is going to be an issue. I think also meeting the MIL and extended family will be revealing. If they approach OP as being in competition with the deceased wife, then OP should run, because that's a competition you can't win.

But maybe they won't treat her that way. A lot depends. But these are definitely things OP needs to look out for. And at OP's age (given she wants kids), I wouldn't wait any longer to meet the extended family and feel out the situation. It's understandable if the guy wants to go slow, but OP needs to think hard about what she is looking for. If she really does want to have kids of her own and her boyfriend wants to take it super slow, then I think she might want to consider moving on. It's not that either person is wrong, but it's just that the reality of time means that maybe they shouldn't proceed. OP doesn't want to pressure the boyfriend or rush him, especially given kids are involved, but if it's going to be another 6 months before she even meets the MIL and kids and has an opportunity to see if it can even work, then I think she'd be better off moving on.

Unless she's madly in love with the guy, but it doesn't sound like she's there.

The reality is that she isn't going to know if it's something she can sign up for until she meets not just the kids, but the MIL and deceased wife's family. It sounds like they are very involved, so if she finds them difficult to deal with, it's not going to work.

The kids are young, and so I doubt the kids won't welcome her. But the extended family, especially the MIL, could be a constant thorn in her side.

Just my 2 cents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

This is cruel and not at all true.

Of course he misses his wife, but after 1.5 years he is probably slowly starting to realize that life goes on, and is for the living.

A second wife in this circumstance will not be second choice.

[Anonymous]

Two is too much, if you don't have any of your own. I know one successful marriage where a childless woman married a widower with a very young child. They had another pretty soon after that, so the mom bonded with the kids pretty much simultaneously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not their mom.

He misses his wife.

You'll always be the second choice.

NP here.

PP, you are a sad and miserable excuse for a human being. You must have a horrible life.

Because I told the truth? OP can NEVER compete with the ghost of those kids' dead mother. It's like dating a divorced guy, only worse, because she isn't an ex, she's a dead saint.

I've watched too many people in my family canonize their dead spouse. A decent guy/women suddenly becomes "Saint Whoever" after he/she dies. Nobody should live with that.

And those kids are going to be emotionally messed up. Take the difficulty of step-parenting and add depressed, traumatized kids to it. No freaking way.

Run, OP!

That's you family dynamic. Why would you assume everybody else is the same?

[Anonymous]

I married a widower (no kids though). No, the late wife is not a saint In fact, I strongly suspect I am the saint, the first and only choice