When does picky eating become abnormal or a eating disorder? 13yo

[Anonymous]

Hey, I wanted to get some feedback about my SS who is 13yo. He lives with his mom and visits us regularly. We don't have any other kids and while I don't think his eating is normal, maybe I don't understand the range of normal. We had assumed he would grow out of his picky eating but there hasn't been very significant improvement over the 7 years I've known him. And BTW,I am aware of the limits of my step-mom role -- basically I just advise/influence my H.

The kid eats approx 20 items in limited combinations.

Fruits: NONE
Vegetables: ONLY the following- Green beans, lima beans, corn, peas, tomato sauce/ketchup.
Dairy: Cheese and ice cream, milk only if it is flavored chocolate (NO yogurt, etc)
Meat: Mainly ground beef. Chicken in chicken nugget format ONLY. Will try slices of steak and pork, but won't eat much of that. NO eggs. NO fish/seafood. Nothing else.
Carbs: White flour stuff (bread, tortillas, pancakes) pasta, rice, oatmeal, popcorn, chips.

So anyway, obviously this limits what I can make for him when he's with us -- usually tacos, meatballs, cheeseburgers. I used to be more motivated about hiding veggies (making veg puree and putting it in the meatballs, for example) or making him try new things. BTW, "trying new things" isn't as exciting as it sounds. It seemed like a MAJOR WIN to us when he started liking pizza! Even though he was eating bread, tomato sauce and cheese already, he did not like it in combination until a couple years ago. And of course, no toppings.

I think stuff like: If he likes green beans and peas, he should def like edamame or sugar snap peas! But I give it a try and he will not even touch/look at the unfamiliar veg.

I find this frustrating and depressing ... Food to me is so much about family and relationships and love and special occasions, and it makes me sad we can never share food with him like that. Making dinner is a pain because my H and I don't want to eat cheeseburgers and meatballs, but we want to eat together so I do it anyway, or make different meals at the same time. Going to restaurants and ordering is often embarrassing to me (Please make sure no lettuce, pickle or tomato are on the plate. Please make sure no green herbs are sprinkled on the fries. Oh no. There are visible pieces of onion in this).

I used to spend more time on all this, but I got worn down! I keep organic mac and cheese dinners in the freezer and that will always do, plus I make sure he has one of the acceptable vegs on his plate for dinner every day. And there's only so much we can do over a summer or a week's break or a weekend. Sometimes there is some progress, like he ate and liked a bite of steak, but by the time he is back with us, maybe he has reverted and doesn't want to try it again. And we don't want to push it all the time, because we just want to have a happy time together.

H's relationship with the mom is bad. Any inquiries get turned around into accusations and big to-do's, so H doesn't bring up anything unless he's really serious about it and ready to deal with crazy-making, life-upending, time-sucking drama. The mom seems to have low standards. She sends him to school with Lunchables most days, and gives him PopTarts or frozen waffles for breakfast. To me this is disgusting and ignorant (but I understand that it doesn't actually rise to the level of neglect or abuse).

The upside is: He is healthy and growing, his size is good for his age, he gets lots of exercise, his doctor appointments check out fine. We don't know if his mom thinks that food is an issue at this point. (I can say that I believe she thinks of him as being much younger than he is. For example, we find she is administering to him OTC medicines intended for toddlers when he is a teenager, and she seems to miss age-appropriate stuff like his need to have a basic understanding about sex. So maybe she thinks he is like 6yo and so picky eating is normal)

Also, I have a couple friends who have told me that they had extreme picky eating into adulthood, and they are fine. Although I have doubts that these friends' diets were as limited as SS's.

Thanks for thoughts or tips!

[Anonymous]

You aren't going to change him. He is who he is and when he is ready he'll explore more. Try having him cook with you. I wouldn't force the issue. Pick your battles and this is not one to battle over.

[Anonymous]

Lol that's certainly not an eating disorder. It's a teenager. Who cares. Let it go. It's not THAT bad.

[Anonymous]

While his diet is limited and not the healthiest, I think it's okay. You say he is healthy and growing and his doctor appointments check out fine. Unless those start to change, he will be fine.

I get that his self-restricted diet is tough to work with, and probably annoying at times. But, spending energy and time trying to change his diet and develop his palate will frustrating and possibly futile, especially when he spends the majority of his time elsewhere. This isn't the hill to die on.

[Anonymous]

Don't make this how you spend your 50 percent time with him. It's not even that limited.

[Anonymous]

I think for a 13 year old who is basically healthy, I would just ask his dad to talk to him and tell the teen that if he decides he wants to eat more foods (and as he gets older there will be many more social situations where his eating is an issue), dad will be happy to support him, and get him professional help if needed. And then just leave it.

[Anonymous]

That's definitely extreme. I'm a very picky eater and I have a 13 yr old (who thank god, did not inherit that). Last spring she decided to become vegetarian, which I hate, but aside from that she's not picky.

Last night we went to Trader Joe's and she wanted: faux sausage links, spinach, edemame, peanut butter with flax seeds, dried broccoli, freeze dried strawberries, green tea mints, ravioli, eggs, yogurt, mozzarella cheese sticks, inner peas and pasta.

I agree with the others who say don't make this your issue. It's very limited, it's very abnormal, but all you can do is offer new foods with familiar ones. I was 17 before I ate green pepper.

[Anonymous]

DH was rather like this as a kid. He remembers fondly how his stepmom helped him branch out a bit into eating more broadly. I think that helped set the groundwork for his palate to mature when he went away to college and started eating more like everyone else.

I think I'd keep offering the foods you know he'll eat, but then be subtly persistent in offering new things also. (They say it takes 10-15 times before someone likes a new food.)

I'd also keep taking him to restaurants, in order to help socialize him and give him opportunities to eat new things (even if he declines). His pickiness isn't a reflection on you, so remind yourself that you don't need to be embarrassed.

I really like Ellyn Satter's approach to feeding kids. You might want to check out one of her books (or at least her website: http://ellynsatterinstitute.org).

[Anonymous]

I disagree with others. You make what you want to eat at dinner, doesn't have to be what he likes, and shouldn't be a different meal. He should be eating a small portion of it if he doesn't like it. Obviously if he doesn't like spicy food don't force him to eat that but seriously he is 13, not 3. My 8 year old hates most dinners we make but guess what? We don't give a fuck and he eats it. He shouldn't be going to restaurants if he can't even eat properly at home. Don't care how healthy he is, it's about respect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't make this how you spend your 50 percent time with him. It's not even that limited.

+1.

The one thing I would change is that whole "won't even look at or touch the new food." You can request that he TRY the comically small amount of his choice of any given food. Accept that he will dislike all of them. Keep on doing what you're doing but instead of introducing foods you think he'll like, I'd have fun with him putting (I keep deleting modifiers because I don't want to characterize things other people or other cultures enjoy as "weird," or "crazy") foods on the table that maybe none of you have ever tried before and making it a game you do together. (As long as he's having fun doing it.)

And meals can still be enjoyable but you may have to change YOU-- focus less on what's being eaten (or on making perfect meals-- if you're asking your SS to try new foods, you and your husband can force down burgers or spaghetti or whatever while he's around) and more on the conversation/games/treating your SS like the young adult his mom doesn't seem to realize he's becoming.

[Anonymous]

I was an extremely picky eater until I started smoking at 15-the cigarettes must have destroyed my very sensitive palate. So you could buy him a carton of smokes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with others. You make what you want to eat at dinner, doesn't have to be what he likes, and shouldn't be a different meal. He should be eating a small portion of it if he doesn't like it. Obviously if he doesn't like spicy food don't force him to eat that but seriously he is 13, not 3. My 8 year old hates most dinners we make but guess what? We don't give a fuck and he eats it. He shouldn't be going to restaurants if he can't even eat properly at home. Don't care how healthy he is, it's about respect[/quote]

you place a LOT of emphasis and conditional acceptance on a child's food choices.

OP, i have an adult friend who was even pickier than your SS. his mother listened to him and allowed him to eat something different at dinnertime and, when he was old enough to do so, he was responsible for making what he wanted to have (within reasonable health restrictions, of course, like no pop tarts and such). as an adult, the only things he will not eat are mustard and pickles. he is an adventurous eater, and healthy, and he is forever thankful to his mother that she actually listened to him as a child and respected him as his own person. i would try this approach with your SS and don't 1) let this be a battleground between you two and 2) don't make his eating and the fact that you all can't share exactly the same food items at a meal a terrible thing. because it really isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol that's certainly not an eating disorder. It's a teenager. Who cares. Let it go. It's not THAT bad.

+1

[Anonymous]

I've got a 9-year-old picky eater with a list even smaller than your SS's. I also have an older child with anorexia. There's a big difference. I, too, would LOVE to broaden the horizons of my picky eater, but she eats plenty of calories each day, asks for seconds, is neither too heavy nor too thin, is athletic and happy and doing great in school, and her pediatrician isn't worried. So there's a big difference between that and an ED.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol that's certainly not an eating disorder. It's a teenager. Who cares. Let it go. It's not THAT bad.

+1

Yep. This is not even extremely picky. It's just food and he's getting enough.