When does picky eating become abnormal or a eating disorder? 13yo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Also, I understand that anorexia/bulimia/other serious eating disorders are a big deal and that picky eating isn't comparable to that. I didn't mean to make light of serious eating disorders by using the term (although it appears that in fact, selective eating is something that is considered by eating disorder specialists, so maybe not completely off-base?).

There's a range. Picky eating isn't considered an eating disorder. Extreme selective eating to the extent that the child isn't getting enough calories to gain and grow, or nutrition is otherwise impacted (and can't be remedied by a simple vitamin/mineral supplement) could be an eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). ARFID is a very serious eating disorder, as serious as anorexia nervosa. It can have similar bad outcomes and can last longer and be harder to treat.

But if your step son is able to get enough calories to maintain weight I don't think it rises to the level of being diagnosed as ARFID. Especially because it sounds like he's eating a good bit of meat. Now, if he ever drops the meat, you might find over time his pickiness solidifies even more. In my experience often kids get worse and worse when the go vegetarian. (Not that all vegetarian kids turn out to have problems eating -- not at all! [b]But if you are a picky eater AND a vegan/vegetarian you are going to have a really tough time getting all your necessary nutrients in)[/b].

It's really not that hard. I've been a vegetarian since I was 4 years old and I've always managed to get enough nutrients in without that much planning.
It's been 40 years and I've had few problems and have plenty of energy for work and regular physical exercise.

Sometimes Americans overestimate what they need to eat versus what they are used to eating.
Throw in some nuts, beans and good fats (avocado, cheese, ) every so often and you're doing ok.

Though for someone like me it's too bad all of the milk is pasteurized as that kills all of the B vitamins that naturally occur in milk.

LOL. I wrote that it was hard to get nutrients as a *picky eating* vegetarian or vegan. You know, the kids who won't eat nuts, beans or anything green, yellow or purple... or squishy....No quinoa either.. When you are cutting out entire categoeries of food (meat, fish) or (meat fish milk eggs cheese), you really can't also be picky about the rest of the foods you eat or you will run into some problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Damn, lady - the kid eats enough stuff, he is not 'disordered'. Do you really have to write a huge book about it?
You're into food , he's not. Just make him comfortable when he's with you and stop overanslyzing EVERYTHING under the sun.
If you don't want to feel like a short order cook teach him to make some simple meals himself to enjoy at the same time you are eating some complicated creation.

Pop tarts and Lunchables is not 'ignorant'. And frankly a 13 year old boy is not a baby so I assume he's there for some of the grocery shopping and he picks these things.

He really doesn't eat what most kids eat, PP. I'm not the OP but my kid is a lot like hers. It's pretty frustrating to plan meals and to see thousands of foods that most kids eat that your kid won't. It's sad and doesn't feel good as a parent.

Here's what her kid won't eat:

for breakfast - let's say the meal is scrambled eggs, bacon, fruit salad, yogurt, OJ, and toast. Her kid might eat the toast.

for brunch: Pancakes, sausage, breakfast casserole, orange and kiwi slices, OJ, plain milk. Her kid would eat the pancakes.

For lunch: Turkey and ham and cheese deli sandwiches,minestrone soup, potato salad, deviled eggs, cole slaw, hummus and crudites like carrot sticks, celery and peppers: her kid would eat nothing.

for dinner: antipasta platter (sliced meats, cheeses and some veggies), chicken parmesan, spaghetti, broccoli, simple side salad of lettuce and cucumbers with dressing: Her kid would eat the spaghetti and sauce, if you kept it from the chicken parm and it was just plain tomato sauce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Damn, lady - the kid eats enough stuff, he is not 'disordered'. Do you really have to write a huge book about it?
You're into food , he's not. Just make him comfortable when he's with you and stop overanslyzing EVERYTHING under the sun.
If you don't want to feel like a short order cook teach him to make some simple meals himself to enjoy at the same time you are eating some complicated creation.

Pop tarts and Lunchables is not 'ignorant'. And frankly a 13 year old boy is not a baby so I assume he's there for some of the grocery shopping and he picks these things.

He really doesn't eat what most kids eat, PP. I'm not the OP but my kid is a lot like hers. It's pretty frustrating to plan meals and to see thousands of foods that most kids eat that your kid won't. It's sad and doesn't feel good as a parent.

Here's what her kid won't eat:

for breakfast - let's say the meal is scrambled eggs, bacon, fruit salad, yogurt, OJ, and toast. Her kid might eat the toast.

for brunch: Pancakes, sausage, breakfast casserole, orange and kiwi slices, OJ, plain milk. Her kid would eat the pancakes.

For lunch: Turkey and ham and cheese deli sandwiches,minestrone soup, potato salad, deviled eggs, cole slaw, hummus and crudites like carrot sticks, celery and peppers: her kid would eat nothing.

for dinner: antipasta platter (sliced meats, cheeses and some veggies), chicken parmesan, spaghetti, broccoli, simple side salad of lettuce and cucumbers with dressing: Her kid would eat the spaghetti and sauce, if you kept it from the chicken parm and it was just plain tomato sauce.

16:55 here, a PP with a picky eater.

Out of those meals, my almost-13-year-old would eat:

breakfast: bacon, some of the fruit in the fruit salad, toast, OJ if it is pulp-free. No yogurt (unless it's in a smoothie).

brunch: pancakes and sausage, kiwi, pulp-free OJ. No breakfast casserole, no orange, no milk.

lunch: my DS won't eat sandwiches. If the ham could be pulled out of the sandwich (and didn't have any mustard/mayo/etc. on it), he'd pull apart the sandwich and eat the ham, and he'd eat the carrot sticks. That's pretty much it. He will eat bread, but usually not if it's been attached to a sandwich, because he won't eat mustard/mayo/butter, and he won't eat bread that's been dampened with juice from a tomato slice. No soup, potato salad, deviled eggs, cole slaw, hummus, celery, or peppers.

Dinner: he'd eat whatever was pepperoni/salami-like on the antipasto platter and he'd eat the broccoli as long as it didn't have butter or sauce on it and the cukes as long as they weren't dressed. No cheese or marinated vegies. Chicken parm--surely you jest. He doesn't eat pasta, even plain. Doesn't eat tomato sauce. Doesn't eat lettuce.

Yep, it's frustrating. But I've lived with this kid for almost 13 years. I can keep banging my head against the wall and feeling sad about what he is missing, or I can accept that this is the kid I have and just make the best of it. And try to find other ways to bond. My kid does like dessert and likes baking cookies and making ice cream, so we enjoy those things together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Damn, lady - the kid eats enough stuff, he is not 'disordered'. Do you really have to write a huge book about it?
You're into food , he's not. Just make him comfortable when he's with you and stop overanslyzing EVERYTHING under the sun.
If you don't want to feel like a short order cook teach him to make some simple meals himself to enjoy at the same time you are eating some complicated creation.

Pop tarts and Lunchables is not 'ignorant'. And frankly a 13 year old boy is not a baby so I assume he's there for some of the grocery shopping and he picks these things.

He really doesn't eat what most kids eat, PP. I'm not the OP but my kid is a lot like hers. It's pretty frustrating to plan meals and to see thousands of foods that most kids eat that your kid won't. It's sad and doesn't feel good as a parent.

Here's what her kid won't eat:

for breakfast - let's say the meal is scrambled eggs, bacon, fruit salad, yogurt, OJ, and toast. Her kid might eat the toast.

for brunch: Pancakes, sausage, breakfast casserole, orange and kiwi slices, OJ, plain milk. Her kid would eat the pancakes.

For lunch: Turkey and ham and cheese deli sandwiches,minestrone soup, potato salad, deviled eggs, cole slaw, hummus and crudites like carrot sticks, celery and peppers: her kid would eat nothing.

for dinner: antipasta platter (sliced meats, cheeses and some veggies), chicken parmesan, spaghetti, broccoli, simple side salad of lettuce and cucumbers with dressing: Her kid would eat the spaghetti and sauce, if you kept it from the chicken parm and it was just plain tomato sauce.

OP here -- this is exactly correct for SS. Thanks for understanding!

[Anonymous]

OP, as your are the step mom you know your role in this is difficult. I have some practice suggestions for you that you can try.

1. Reduce pressure surrounding eating, if you haven't already. Don't see your role as needing to fix your stepson's eating.

2. Serve all food family style at the table. Don't give Stepson a separate plate with separate food. Put all the food in serving bowls on the table at the same time and everyone help themselves to what and how much they want. If you and your husband are having salmon teriyaki with sauteed bok choi, and you know your stepson won't eat that so you make him some chicken nuggets and green beans instead -- put it ALL out on serving plates. Dinner is now salmon, bok choi, chicken nuggets, and green beans for everyone (even though actually you know you and your husband aren't eating the chicken nuggets ---) This is psychologically very important for selective eaters. They aren't eating a separate meal. The family meal just includes foods that they can eat and they are a part of it.

3. teach him not to say I like this, I hate that. But to rank food on a scale of 1- 10. If he tries a new food and it isn't great (not an 8,9 or 10) but it might be a 6 or a 7 -- that's important to know.

4. Have him identify sensory characteristics of the foods he likes and doesn't like. "This broccoli is a 6 because it is too crunchy" -- then you know he might say it is a 7 or 8 if it is cooked a little longer. Instead of saying "I don't like it, it is too salty" have him identify the rating on a scale and what characteristics could be changed. This helps him step out of the habit of seeing all food as black and white -- and how he can change things about the food to make it more palatable.

5. If you are trying to introduce a new food, stick with food he already likes, and offer both types. Here are some chicken nuggets from the box, and here on this equally attractive plate are a different version of chicken nuggets (different brand, different restaurant, same brand but different breading, homemade etc.) Don't spring a new version of a safe food on him without the old version being there too. Ask him to rate both on a scale of 1 to 10 and to identify sensory characteristics of both foods and what makes on a 9 and one a 7.

6. Once pressure to eat has been reduced you will probably find him very willing to try a single bite of new foods, if you present them this way. So present new versions of food often, with every meal! But always be sure he knows he doesn't have to try anything he doesn't want. Kids at this age are cognitively different from toddlers and they can make rapid introductions of new food IF they buy into the process. They are getting tired of eating the same foods and they WANT to eat like other kids, they are just scared and the food tastes bad to them. And if they smell pressure they will dig in and resist.

good luck!

[Anonymous]

If that helps, I have two stepson who also were pretty picky eaters at that age. We saw broadening of the food range and more willingness to try new stuff around the age of 16. Might have had something to do with the teenage boys' eternal hunger kicking in.

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but I love 11:32's suggestions!

[Anonymous]

We have one kid that's even more limited than yours (take off about 3/4 of those things and that's what he eats) - and his pediatrician says that's fine as long as he gets protein, drinks milk (of any sort) and keeps taking his multivitamin. At some point he will start eating better/more variety, but I wouldn't sweat it. He has food he eats at home, so when we go out to eat he gets a drink and maybe chips, then comes home and eats. If he wants something other than what I'm making for dinner (the other kids eat waht they are served), then he has to make it. I don't make a deal out of it and he's healthy (and gets lots of exercise through sports), so it's OK. If he's 13 maybe you can see if he wants to do some meal planning with you. My kid wouldn't want to do that (ever), but I thought I'd toss it out as I've seen that suggested elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

My almost 11yo is quite picky & always has been so. If they say it takes 15-30 tries at a new food, for DS, it's more like 100+. One thing that has helped was to have him cook. Styled as: you'll be going off to college in 7 years and you'll need to know how to make your favorite things. I offer help where he wants/needs it, but leave him at it.
Also, if there is a food he doesn't like, I offer to let him improve upon it. He's welcome to add whatever sauce or spice it takes to make it his own & eat it.
Finally, (& with admittedly limited success), changing the format of the food can help. For example, beans have been on DS's no go list forever. But recently, he has been ok with hummus and socca. I pointed out that both have chickpeas as the main ingredient, which means that he can't really hate all legumes after all. He'll still gag at the sight of a whole cooked bean, but it has opened the door a little bit more.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're crazy to be concerned. But both my MIL and my high school best friends are selective eaters-- different in their own ways, but highly picky-- and the only thing that has ever changed their habits has been their person want to do so. High school best friend met and married a guy who encouraged her to branch out. She now eats things I never dreamed she'd consume (and her list was MUCH smaller than your stepson's.) MIL recently tried sushi and those of us present nearly applauded.

As long as your SS's doctors aren't concerned, you just have to decide how YOU are going to approach the situation. I don't fall into the camp of forcing my own children to eat things I know they don't like. I follow more of the Ellyn Satter approach, where I know there is at least one thing my kids will eat and enjoy at every meal. If I know my kids will eat peas, I make peas often because I want them to eat green stuff. I don't lose sleep over it. They will either grow out of it or they won't, but someday it will become their spouses' annoyance and not mine.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're crazy to be concerned. But both my MIL and my high school best friends are selective eaters-- different in their own ways, but highly picky-- and the only thing that has ever changed their habits has been their person want to do so. High school best friend met and married a guy who encouraged her to branch out. She now eats things I never dreamed she'd consume (and her list was MUCH smaller than your stepson's.) MIL recently tried sushi and those of us present nearly applauded.

As long as your SS's doctors aren't concerned, you just have to decide how YOU are going to approach the situation. I don't fall into the camp of forcing my own children to eat things I know they don't like. I follow more of the Ellyn Satter approach, where I know there is at least one thing my kids will eat and enjoy at every meal. If I know my kids will eat peas, I make peas often because I want them to eat green stuff. I don't lose sleep over it. They will either grow out of it or they won't, but someday it will become their spouses' annoyance and not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was an extremely picky eater until I started smoking at 15-the cigarettes must have destroyed my very sensitive palate. So you could buy him a carton of smokes.

[Anonymous]

To OP: it doesn't sound like an eating disorder at all. just teenager, young eater. The less you make out of all this the better. Offer new/different foods, and eventually, your SS will probably branch out. I was a very picky eater as a kid and my parents made a big deal out of it, and that made it so much worse. I wasn't trying to be difficult, I just couldn't stand a lot of the foods they offered. It's important to remember that we are all different and so are our palates and tastes. One thing I would add for some of the other posters posting about kids not wanting to mix foods together. I remember being this way. I grew out of it, it just took time. I was also very sensitive to the texture of foods. I couldn't articulate this as a child, and no one asked. But when I was in my mid-20s I remember talking to a guy who was very similar, and it was reassuring. So keep texture in mind for some of your picky eaters--ie apricots vs orange vs apple vs pomegranate. If you try to approach this with your picky eater as a partner in identifying what the problem is, you may be able to problem solve some. hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are more judgmental than those waiters you are worried about. I'm 44 and way more selective an eater than your SS and I get by just fine. I don't enjoy eating as an adventure sport or hobby as some people do, bit there's nothing wrong with that. I eat enough to get by. I cannot stand pressure from people who are offended by my limited palette. Luckily, most people do t take it personally. Racist t has nothing to do with them. They understand it is just a quirk of mine, and they have their own quirks.

Of all the advice posted here, the best is to read and learn from Ellyn Satter.

And I say this as a stepmom: your contempt for your SS's mom is showing, and it doesn't flatter you.

[Anonymous]

My 11yo is similar to your stepson OP. He is the only kid I've ever met who gags at the thought, much less taste, of a grape or a carrot stick. In the fruit and veg family, he will eat apples and peas and broccoli (and corn, not that that's much help) so he gets those with every dinner.

Honestly I don't sweat it. First of all while I love food I'm not a foodie, and since I work FT my main interest is in having enough food that is healthy and quick to prepare! Secondly I have a brother who ate little other than burgers through childhood who is now married to a woman who is into food and he happily goes to raw food restaurants and all kinds of adventurous eating. Finally I have a younger child who has a totally different palate - loves fruits and veggies, big salad eater - so I know it's not a personal failure for me as a parent that the older one is different.

Btw I agree with the PP - your contempt for your stepson's mom is completely obvious in your original post. Don't make food and eating a way to compete with her, OP - everyone will lose, especially your step-son.