is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?

[Anonymous]

Is anyone’s DD on birth control pills while in college?

[Anonymous]

I wasn’t at 8 years ago but my 26 yo DD who is attractive, fit, social, neurotypical, has friends, gets out has not as far as I know had a kiss, a date or an encounter with a guy (or girl) since graduating from her T20 slac.

I can’t figure it out and don’t pry.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Outdated in elite schools. Every one, male or female, is so career oriented. No one is investing in "finding spouse" seriously. Most break up at graduation due to jobs in different locations anyway.

BS. Two ivy kids. Both married their significant other from college. This is the highest probability of finding a match that is similar to your kid’s IQ , earning potential and socio-economic environment. They will never again be around that many eligible singles in their lives…..

This. One caveat, though: girls will have to initiate with many of the clueless boys. Those that refuse because they want more confident men are the ones who end up single in their mid-30s, watching their now-confident male former peers date whoever they want. Then they will have to “settle” or not have kids, or both, given their age.

Antiquated

Accurate. Geeky boy Ivy types do just fine in their 30s. But they also tend to be nicer guys. Get them in college and they will be great husbands. These guys will ultimately do well either way. But for women, things often do not work out.

The popular Ivy type guys with early confidence are the ones who leave their wives in their 30s and 40s for younger women; they are the ones who develop midlife crises and seek the glory days. We have all seen this many times…

NP. I think the bigger reason things do not tend to work out for these women is most of them struggle with mental illness, as studies have shown.

What are you saying? Please post links to these "studies."
I work with medical residents and many of the women resident physicians are single, attractive, brilliant, close to 30 and have a terrifically hard time meeting men and none of them are mentally ill. It's the same every year so isn't unique to one class of residents. If you gave me a piece of paper right now I could write down 30 names that fit this description.

It's very, very, very hard to meet men in 2025 if you are a highly educated woman in your later 20s or early 30s.

If there's one piece of advice I can give to college young women who are interested in marriage it's to not postpone dating until post college.
Sure, it works for some but it works for far fewer women in 2025 than it did when we (moms in our late 40s, early 50s) were in our youth.

I can confirm this. My wife and I were surgical residents together and are now practice in academic settings with residents. It's been wonderful to see extremely talented women go down the surgery path, and I love seeing photos of "all women cases" where everyone in the room is a woman. But its hard for many of them to pair up because their male counterparts are often already in relationships, more interested in dating nurses etc. No one blinks an eye at the latter, but there there is a double standard in the hospital if one of our female residents dates a male nurse or a radiology technician. Even dating non-surgeon medical residents has an odd dynamic (for some insecure guys), so not as common as one might think. Looking backwards, a striking number of female co-residents for my wife never got married, which is tragic because these women are truly amazing as people (not just as surgeons). My kids have a lot of aunts...

Medical community's biggest problem is obsession with inbreeding. They'll be better off being more open minded and expanding their lives. Self segregation isn't serving their majority.

Another observation is that, educated and well earning men (straight or gay) are more open to partners with less education or income but similar level women develop delusion of grandeur and only consider equal or higher. If they are with such partners, they get rid of them once finished with training and don't need support.

Women have a tendency towards hypergamy. They want to "marry up" and we have seen the effects on dating apps where all the women are chasing the same top 3% of guys.

Thanks to social media, girls and young women are all being persuaded to follow the 6-6-6-6 standard before they even meet a man for the first time (six feet+ tall, six-figure income, six-pack stomach).

Young women do not even give themselves the chance to meet a guy if he doesn’t meet these standards. The 6-6-6-6 trend is not a myth. It was even made a part of the last presidential campaign. It really is a reality and a standard for many young women.

But even were you to reject that phenomenon, the PP noted a different, verifiable, dating trend affecting our kids:

- just the top 3% of males on OLD are pursued by virtually all the women on OLD. Google it. Ask AI. Even the most basic search on this trend demonstrates the problem.

And it is a problem because it will lead to drastically fewer marriages and far greater loneliness / solitary lives (not to mention worsening the fertility rate / demographic crisis).

My daughter and friends would be happy to date guys that don't meet these parameters but they don't ask them out or pay any attention to them. If they ask the guys they don't say yes. They only want to date the gorgeous girls: super provocative social media, bikini shots, etc.

The social pressure to pair up has disappeared from our society. Dances used to be a much bigger deal. You had to go and you had to bring a date and there was no expectation that you were going to go out after that date it was all practice. There were several of these events throughout the year every year. By the end of sophomore year, you kind of figured out your field of play and tried to find a good match. I don't know if kids do that these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys don’t like the girls doing the asking.

In my day girls used to ask out guys but the guy would think it was their idea. The trick is to avoid subtlety, if you're too subtle, they think you actually need help rotating your tires or something.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Guys don’t like the girls doing the asking.

In my day girls used to ask out guys but the guy would think it was their idea. The trick is to avoid subtlety, if you're too subtle, they think you actually need help rotating your tires or something.

I think that is the difference now. Any subtlety is too much subtlety these days: the guy has to think it his her idea.

[Anonymous]

I would love for my kids to meet their spouses in college. Partly because that’s where I met DH and it’s been fun to grow up together and have this shared history. Also because several of the best matched couples we know met in college as well (we’re in our 50s). Finally because assortive mating is a real thing and at my kids’ selective schools there are peers with similar levels of intelligence and common interests (simply by picking these colleges).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys don’t like the girls doing the asking.

In my day girls used to ask out guys but the guy would think it was their idea. The trick is to avoid subtlety, if you're too subtle, they think you actually need help rotating your tires or something.

I think that is the difference now. Any subtlety is too much subtlety these days: the guy has to think it his her idea.

??? So a girl can ask a guy (who does not want to be asked by a girl) out buy avoiding any hint of subtlety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am worried. You make the most friendships and connections between ages 15-32,
With college being a prime time to find potential future spouse candidates. So yes.

Agree. Send them somewhere they willbe around a large % of similar-intellect students, for undergrad as well as law/phD/MBa

How do you make that happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love for my kids to meet their spouses in college. Partly because that’s where I met DH and it’s been fun to grow up together and have this shared history. Also because several of the best matched couples we know met in college as well (we’re in our 50s). Finally because assortive mating is a real thing and at my kids’ selective schools there are peers with similar levels of intelligence and common interests (simply by picking these colleges).

What school? Does this line of thinking go out the window at state schools?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love for my kids to meet their spouses in college. Partly because that’s where I met DH and it’s been fun to grow up together and have this shared history. Also because several of the best matched couples we know met in college as well (we’re in our 50s). Finally because assortive mating is a real thing and at my kids’ selective schools there are peers with similar levels of intelligence and common interests (simply by picking these colleges).

What school? Does this line of thinking go out the window at state schools?

Maybe. My kids are at NESCACS so perhaps more of a self-selecting group by vibe of school and a narrower range of admission metrics than a state school that has an honors college etc. There is also a lot of dating and coupling up happening at their schools for whatever reason, although who knows if these couples will last long term. Their friends at similar slacs are dating serious bfs/gfs too, but I don’t know if it’s related to the small school thing or just the stage of life.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would love for my kids to meet their spouses in college. Partly because that’s where I met DH and it’s been fun to grow up together and have this shared history. Also because several of the best matched couples we know met in college as well (we’re in our 50s). Finally because assortive mating is a real thing and at my kids’ selective schools there are peers with similar levels of intelligence and common interests (simply by picking these colleges).

What school? Does this line of thinking go out the window at state schools?

Maybe. My kids are at NESCACS so perhaps more of a self-selecting group by vibe of school and a narrower range of admission metrics than a state school that has an honors college etc. There is also a lot of dating and coupling up happening at their schools for whatever reason, although who knows if these couples will last long term. Their friends at similar slacs are dating serious bfs/gfs too, but I don’t know if it’s related to the small school thing or just the stage of life.

how many kids at their schools? interesting - both mine wanted big rah rah but now I am second guessing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love for my kids to meet their spouses in college. Partly because that’s where I met DH and it’s been fun to grow up together and have this shared history. Also because several of the best matched couples we know met in college as well (we’re in our 50s). Finally because assortive mating is a real thing and at my kids’ selective schools there are peers with similar levels of intelligence and common interests (simply by picking these colleges).

What school? Does this line of thinking go out the window at state schools?

Maybe. My kids are at NESCACS so perhaps more of a self-selecting group by vibe of school and a narrower range of admission metrics than a state school that has an honors college etc. There is also a lot of dating and coupling up happening at their schools for whatever reason, although who knows if these couples will last long term. Their friends at similar slacs are dating serious bfs/gfs too, but I don’t know if it’s related to the small school thing or just the stage of life.

how many kids at their schools? interesting - both mine wanted big rah rah but now I am second guessing

2000-3000ish

the kids I know having an easy time dating right now (rather than just a hook up culture) are at Carleton, Middlebury, Oberlin, Harvey Mudd and Wesleyan. But they wanted these schools for reasons unrelated to dating (except for not wanting a large gender imbalance), they weren’t looking for rah rah, Greek life, football etc

[Anonymous]

My kid is at UVA and best friend at Michigan and both have been horrible for dating. i.e. there is basically no dating going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is anyone’s DD on birth control pills while in college?

More realistic question is whether anyone’s DD in college NOT taking oral contraceptives? (or another effective, long-term, form of BC).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is at UVA and best friend at Michigan and both have been horrible for dating. i.e. there is basically no dating going on.

DD has been watching UVA students’ YouTubes and several of the girls consistently said there is a strong and popular hook-up scene at UVA, but very little dating.