Feeling like our relationship is hurting

[Anonymous]

So, not sure how the DCUM-verse is going to react to this, but I'm going to put out my situation in the hopes of getting some alternative perspectives.

DW here. I'm feeling a little blah, taken-for-granted by DH lately. I suspect DH could argue the same, but I'm really struggling with how to fix the situation and feeling like he just doesn't want to do so. For context, we have a 2y.o., and we're expecting #2 in the summer. We've been married 6.5 years, and sadly almost half of that time involved a lot of frustrating and heartbreaking infertility treatments and losses. We both work FT (I started up again recently after a layoff and then temporarily launching a small business last year). I probably contribute about 40% of the HHI, currently...and we are very comfortable financially.

But things are just kind of blah between us, I don't feel connected to him at all...and we haven't had sex since probably a month or two into my pregnancy. I was on cervical rest for my first trimester, but I've let him know that the "ban" has been lifted by my OB (after he asked)...and he just hasn't seemed interested. I would initiate, but, honestly, he falls asleep so early on weekdays out of exhaustion there really isn't much opportunity after DD goes to bed. My mom is visiting right now, and part of the point of the visit is that she offered to watch DD over the weekend so we could get away for the weekend. But when I mentioned it to DH, he said he's completely uninterested in anything but going out to dinner and then coming home to sleep in our own bed and waking up when DD does (read "early"). Of course, that won't really happen either. Most likely I'll wake up and he'll ask to sleep in, or wake up but not really be involved in doing anything other than drinking coffee and reading the news. My mom has also offered to come back in a month or two so we can take a longer vacation, since it'll probably be a while before we can again, and he's also said he's not really in any vacation that doesn't involve DD.

He's a great father and good friend to me, but I just don't feel like we're much more than compatible and friendly roommates a lot of the time. I admit that I'm not as proactive as I used to be with trying to make magic happen between us, but from my perspective at least part of it is that it was never reciprocated and often unappreciated. For example, we did got away late last summer for a weekend when my parents came to visit, and I thought it was a really fun outing for us (basically the first night we've spent away from DD). We went to the same place where we went on our first trip together, and it was just fun in the way dating was fun before life, jobs, infertility, and kids took over. Well, today he informed me that he thought the whole thing was kind of silly and pointless...which leaves me feeling like he just doesn't want to spend any time with me alone anymore ever. Basically every date we've been on since DD was born has been due to my arranging childcare (now our nanny stays late every other Friday to allow us to go out). I'm really at a loss...I know that when asked he'd say he's really happy and loves me and our family, but I just barely feel like a romantic partner anymore.

And before anyone asks, I'd stake just about everything on the position that he's not having an affair (I'm not sure when he could given the times he leaves and comes home from work). Anyway, just wondering what I'm doing wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And before anyone asks, I'd stake just about everything on the position that he's not having an affair (I'm not sure when he could given the times he leaves and comes home from work). Anyway, just wondering what I'm doing wrong here.

(Lunchtime affair. Just saying it happens. It happened to me.)

My situation was almost exactly like yours -- infertility, IF treatment, two kids in quick succession. I empathize. It is difficult. My DH didn't cope with it really well, actually.

Beyond that, however, you guys really really need to talk and make time to connect sans child. And yes, YOU are going to have to make the effort to get the childcare. My DH has never organized childcare and rarely initiated dates. He's better now, but it isn't 50/50. It won't be.

Have you told him very forthrightly what you wrote here? Feeling disconnected, taken-for-granted, that it feels as though he doesn't want to spend any time with you? Honest conversations can help. They are hard. Very very hard. But worth it.

[Anonymous]

Your love for your husband is so evident in what you’ve written! But I certainly understand how you’re feeling with regard to this challenging time you’re facing in your marriage. I came across this information (http://bit.ly/1QiZAMF) on how you can restore romance to marriage. You might find it helpful.

I’ve prayed for you and your husband. *Much love.*

[Anonymous]

Since he's so exhausted at night, can your mom watch your DD during the day so you can have a "date day"? Or can you take a day off work together and keep DD in daycare/with nanny?

That has helped DH and me a lot - we're both so exhausted at night but during the day have energy and will usually take a walk together or do something outside if it's nice, go have lunch, have sex...it's nice to reconnect in that way.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think people underestimate the degree which exhaustion can pull people away from being present. It sounds like the past few years have been horrifically exhausting (knowing what I know now about infertility, I understand how much work and stress goes into the whole process to have a child via in vitro or IUI. When you're tired, going to bed at 8:30 isn't a rejection; it's surviving a stressful period. To me, at least, sleep > sex. If I am well rested and relaxed, the sex comes back.

I think focusing on being kind to each other, showing love through action and trying to make some real time and space to get some rest and relax without your kid or work would be huge. If you could arrange for a long (and I mean long 4 days at a minimum) weekend away without your daughter to relax and just spend some time together, it might be a way to refresh the energy.

[Anonymous]

OP
Guy here. What's weird is most of the stuff you wrote is what happened to me and my ex. I went thru a time when sex was the last thing in my mind. I was never in the mood mainly because of the kids, work, failing business. I really wasn't aware that it was happening and this is the time when my ex put on a lot of weight. I could honestly say that it was not the reason I was not interested about sex. Whatever it is it was me and not her. I still find her attractive despite the weight gain. Anyway I was cleaning my garage and saw her diary that's how I knew.
Communication is important and I think if she talked to me we would still be together.

[Anonymous]

OP: I'll explain what happened, as best as I can see it--like many other very driven women, you didn't really marry your husband for himself. You married him as part of your checklist of life objectives. You were very very focused on having probably two children, and now that it looks like you're close to the goal line for that accomplishment, your husband serves no further purpose for you other than providing the income component.

Sorry but that's what you've described about yourself even if you don't want to admit it. You haven't indicated providing him with any affectionate behavior (forget about sex for a minute) at all. You blame YOUR lack of feelings towards him, on HIM. That is all very typical for a soon to be walkaway wife and you're now going through the very early stages of figuring out just how long you actually need to stay married for practical reasons (child rearing, income) before dumping him or having an affair or both.

[Anonymous]

In terms of him not wanting to go on weekend getaways, that's just being practical. He is probably concerned about spending too much money with baby no. 2 on the way but doesn't want to come out and say it or that'll be another thing for you to criticize him about. Since you need to work to provide 40% of HHI that's telling me the two of you don't feel he earns enough for you to just quit for a while.

Why don't women like you perceive the obvious? He has to have a magical getaway weekend with you before you deign to have sex with him? That's pretty fucked up selfish thinking on your part, but also pretty typical for a lot of women. Me me me me (etc.)

[Anonymous]

The time when people have young children and are pregnant is enormously stressful on any marriage. I think we have all been through it. I think some of the other posters have been very harsh on you. I would caution you, though, that this kind of emotional distance can get worse and worse unless you take action. It doesn't sound like you two are communicating effectively. Did you tell him his comments about the "pointlessness" of your time off together hurt your feelings? Have you told him you feel like he doesn't care whether or not you spend time together and you really miss him? If you guys can't have emotionally intimate conversations like that, I would recommend couples counseling. It sounds like a major step but it really isn't. Me and my DH have NO desire to leave each other but we had pretty much lost the romantic connection and the stress of young children and a failure to communicate left us with a lot of build-up resentments and a deep feeling of loneliness. A counselor has really helped us have some deep conversations we would not have had otherwise. And also helped us understand how our respective families growing up have led to conflict avoidance approaches that have not helped us. Have you told your DH you feel lonely for him and miss him? If you do, what does he say? If you have tried talking to him and can't make any progress, seriously consider going to see a therapist with him who can help you guys talk about this stuff in a productive way. I know it's hard. Marriages go through ups and downs. When you are in it for the long haul, you've got to grow as people and work to become closer together. In my experience it doesn't just happen. It's a real effort.

[Anonymous]

He seems to have lost interest in you, not the family. Although you don't think he could possibly have an affair, it's possible. A work affair or just getting emotionally attached to someone on the Internet or phone, via text. Talk to him.