Bouts of not liking who your child is becoming?

[Anonymous]

Please don't get me wrong and please please try to be kind, if you must respond. I have no one to discuss it with IRL.
I love my son to pieces. He is almost 6. He has always been a pretty easy kid, sweet, normal, maybe on the shy side.
However, it seems like he is becoming a person I am not truly fond of. Let me try to explain. It is not about his behavior. It is already more about his personality, even though I know it is still so much of a work in progress.
He has become a little teenager if I may.
He does not like things that require even the least of effort. Yesterday was probably the first day in school when he completed his writing assignment, I was so surprised and praised him so much. Usually he tries to quit whenever there is a slightest difficulty. He fights every smallest homework assignment. The slightest critique- as much as telling him "you probably should listen to the coach more"- makes him want to quit an activity.
He does not say hi to people- does not say bye- says he feels shy to do so. I never pushed him but it is becoming to look rude now that he is not 3 anymore.
He hates to receive kisses.
In fact his favorite word is now "hate", he hates too many things this I don't forbid him to say as long as it is not about people.
He tried to throw his trash on the ground.
He tried to make me do stuff for him. He would actually ask very nicely- like- mommy can you do me a favor and carry my backpack today, I am tired- but this happens almost every day and with things like putting on his shoes, buckling up, and other run of the mill things. I don't discourage him when he wants to do stuff on his own, but it just doesn't happen often.
He seems to not like to go out and explore new things anymore. He is tired of walking as he says. He likes his scooter but he cannot take it everywhere.
He seems to be obsessed with electronics. If I let him, he would play minecraft and watch tutorials all day.
He likes Legos, he likes his karate class but that's about all he wants to do. And if offered a choice, he would much rather stay home and play video games!
He seems to only want to hang out with one or two friends. He outright refused to see two of his long time friends and play with them. The rest he doesn't care about much, and play dates just don't go too well. He either argues with them or ignores them.
He tries being rude to me, tries hitting me, argues with me all the time.
When I took him cross country skiing, he was whining, complaining and such. Even though he really wanted to do it, after a couple times all he wanted to do was sit in the cafeteria with a pizza slice and chips.
Speaking of pizza- his eating habits are changing for the worse, too. He was always a good eater, ate a variety of foods and liked his fruit and veggies. Now it is becoming a losing battle to give him his fruit and veggies, also he does not like homemade food anymore (not just mine), he tends to eat a few bites and wait until, say, a lunch at school which he buys or a meal out or walks around asking for snacks (I do allow healthy snacks when we are out and about with friends because his whining may ruin the whole thing).
Yes I do try to cap those behaviors and I do my best parenting him. But I am not a superhero myself! I get lazy or tired of his whining. Why does it have to be a struggle every darn time????
My H is not much help because he mostly spends his free time on the couch in front of the screen; he does not share my views on restricting screen time, sweets, and doing outdoor activities. I am not a sporty person but I think any child needs to get outside for an hour a day,weather permitting, eat their veggies, and have limited screen time. A lot of my energy goes into making sure H does not at least undermine my rules (I am not even hoping for help).
H is getting a bit better with time but still - no help or encouragement, just more struggle.

I am really worried that my only child will become a lazy and entitled person with self esteem issues, which is what I think describes his dad (of course I try not to show it).
Yes my husband has positive qualities, he loves his job and is open to improvement, he likes trying new things and traveling, he is pretty open minded. But I am not sure my son will inherit these qualities...
Ok thanks for bearing with me and reading this long rant, I appreciate any feedback.

[Anonymous]

Six is hard, OP. He is right on the cusp of the "age of industry" but he still has some very young-child behaviors. Give him six months to a year. Seven year olds are great.

It's okay to have negative feelings about your child. If you accept that, you win half the battle.

[Anonymous]

There was a phase when my older DD's happy-go-lucky personality really bugged me. She was content to do anything as long as it wasn't really hard or locked her into a commitment. She had Olympic level talent in her sport according to two coaches, but lacked the desire to practice for hours every day. Eventually, I realized she was really happy with a laid back approach to life. I have softened how I feel about it as she enters her 20s, when I remember being incredibly driven but miserable.

[Anonymous]

Other thsn the hitting he sounds very normwl for a six year old boy.

Not every kid is an outgoing, social jock.

Work with what you have (and nix the hitting). Hitting comes from somewhere. Other than brother wrestling/fights, hitting is just not something kids do.

[Anonymous]

Thinking about this and the post from the woman who was disappointed that her 3.5 year old didn't enjoy dress-up, Disney movies, etc.

I have three wonderful kids but they're nothing like the ones I would have ordered if I had been handed a catalog. The middle one is less intellectual, more sporty; they all have strong opinions and are less moldable than I expected. Only one developed a serious interest in music, something that really matters to me.

They share our religious beliefs, sort of. (Oldest two are in college). However, they are both Christians of the lefty variety, whereas we are more social conservative. I just find this funny.

But years ago, a wise woman told me to take some time and mourn the death of my fantasies about my kids and then to take the time to love the kids I actually have. For some reason, my fantasy toddler son was blonde, loved books and drawing, and had a slight English accent. My actual toddler son was rough and tumble, usually kind of muddy and not actually very verbal. Needed to come to terms with the death of the fantasy before I could love the actual child.

[Anonymous]

I have 6 yo twins and they both exhibit similar behaviors at times. I just chalk it up to them being six. Some of the things you mentioned, j wouldn't worry about or engage in like receiving kisses and that he just likes to hang with one or two friends.

That said, I do a few things to combat some issues above.

Greeting people: whenever I am aware that they will be meeting new people or are going into an unusual social situation, we practice what to do and say.

Arguing: my one twin loves to argue and will say the same GD thing over and over again. We have a rule that she can argue once, I will consider it, and then whatever I say after that is final. That works about 25% of the time. The other 75%, I stop engaging with her.

Rudeness and hitting result in a significant consequence.

I will help them with those routine things on occasion to demonstrate kindness and when I am in a hurry. The other times, I just say, "nope, you can handle it!" Then, if I get push back, I tell them if the can't handle that, then they can't handle [insert favorite activity]because only kids who can do x can do y.

Getting frustrated when things get difficult: I will sit with them and help them as appropriate. I find that if you commiserate with them and are sitting with them, it helps them power through it. So there's a lot of, "yeah, this homework is tough! Let's sit down and do it together. What should we do first?" They still do the work but just need a little hand holding.

I control screen time but your issue there is your husband, not the kid. If you want to get him out of the house, take him to the park or for a walk.

And keep telling yourself that this too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 6 yo twins and they both exhibit similar behaviors at times. I just chalk it up to them being six. Some of the things you mentioned, j wouldn't worry about or engage in like receiving kisses and that he just likes to hang with one or two friends.

That said, I do a few things to combat some issues above.

Greeting people: whenever I am aware that they will be meeting new people or are going into an unusual social situation, we practice what to do and say.

Arguing: my one twin loves to argue and will say the same GD thing over and over again. We have a rule that she can argue once, I will consider it, and then whatever I say after that is final. That works about 25% of the time. The other 75%, I stop engaging with her.

Rudeness and hitting result in a significant consequence.

I will help them with those routine things on occasion to demonstrate kindness and when I am in a hurry. The other times, I just say, "nope, you can handle it!" Then, if I get push back, I tell them if the can't handle that, then they can't handle [insert favorite activity]because only kids who can do x can do y.

Getting frustrated when things get difficult: I will sit with them and help them as appropriate. I find that if you commiserate with them and are sitting with them, it helps them power through it. So there's a lot of, "yeah, this homework is tough! Let's sit down and do it together. What should we do first?" They still do the work but just need a little hand holding.

I control screen time but your issue there is your husband, not the kid. If you want to get him out of the house, take him to the park or for a walk.

And keep telling yourself that this too shall pass.

Love these suggestions. Mine is 10yo, and is starting to emerge from being in similar position as OP's child, but it is slow going. I'll add a few suggestions to this list:

Greetings: we now live in a place where people commonly kiss on both cheeks. DS is still reluctant to put out a hand, never mind kiss. So, we offer him a third option of a fist bump. It's a little weird here, but at least he acknowledges the new person & it's on his own terms.

Arguing: we talk about this when it isn't the heat of the moment. On the one hand, I don't want to discourage DS from speaking up for himself. But he lacks finesse and doesn't articulate his needs well, so we sometimes review scenarios to figure out how he can explain his needs better. On the other hand, it is sometimes just whining, and we let him know that his chances of succes drop exponentially the more he whines.

Giving up: again, we bring this up when it isn't the heat of the moment. Sometimes, complementing him when he does take the extra steps.. Glad to hear your oral presentation went well. Could you tell who had prepared and who hadn't? Aren't you glad you did? - that probably gives you an 'A' in that class this semester..

Homework: DS has ADHD, so we check up on his assignment book frequently. But we make him articulate how long he estimates the assignment to take, what materials he will need, and offer to answer any questions at the start. After that, it's on him to finish it. If he didn't estimate well, then his next activity gets bumped.

Food: DS was the pickiest eater on the planet as a toddler, so we still offer new foods over and over, and he's gradually starting to try them again. We frequently remind him of when he was little and wouldn't eat pasta/pizza/rice/etc and how much more adventurous he's become. If he grumbles, spits something out, makes faces or says the equivalent of "yuck!", he skips dinner. The worst he is allowed to say is, "I don't think I'm quite ready for that." Now that he is trained, it has spared us all a lot of embarrassment when dining at other peoples houses. Dinner is often served buffet style, so he can take as much/little as he wants of an assortment of healthy options. We are short on time in the mornings, so I still pack lunches. After one month of nothing but PBJ sandwiches, I've started to offer dinner leftovers as alternatives, and he has taken me up on 90% of them. Boredom did wonders

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Op, since he was an easy baby and toddler it sounds, then I think you just don't get that parenting is hard. It's a constant discussion about snacks and screen time and homework and bedtime, etc. it's not abnormal and it's not going to change.

It does sound like you give in to him too much (do you really put on his shoes for him?). If you want him to take responsibility, you have to give him responsibilities. You can't Make him put on his shoes 4 mornings a week but then do it here and there when you're too tired to argue, he does what he's capable of doing, no question.

Make screen time limits completely clear. You get 30 minutes per day during the week and 1.5 hours on the weekend (or whatever feels right to you) and then literally set a timer. Your phone, the microwave, wherever. When timer goes off, screen goes away. Any arguing for more means he loses screen time for tomorrow. And yes outside time is incredibly important.

It doesn't matter how many friends he has and that's not you to police or worry about.

He hits you? That means major consequences. Big ones. Don't be apologetic, you are the parent and he needs boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Could it be that he has anxiety? He sounds very much like my DS at that age, who we knew was a shy and difficult kid. His anxiety in later years became much more obvious and we started treatment, unfortunately many years after we should have. In kids, it often looks like anger or oppositional behavior. After many months of treatment, we saw my DS's true personality emerge - a very likable, funny, engaging kid. He still struggles with resilience - pushing through the hard stuff - but he works on it every day and we see improvement in school, sports, social activity. It's been transformative.

[Anonymous]

Op check out the book by dr laura markham

[Anonymous]

Or www.ahaparenting.com

[Anonymous]

Sounds like when he was little you let a lot slide and just figured he would grow into grownup traits like patience, perseverance, flexibility and social skills. That's not how it works. If you want your kid to possess a specific trait then you need to ask yourself what you are doing to teach that a
skill. You want him to have a solid work ethic, well then what are you doing to teach that? Do you talk to him about times when you are frustrated or overwhelmed and model how to approach the task? Do you sit with him and help him come up with a plan to approach a difficult scenario? Do you remind him of times he pushed through difficulty and found success? Most importantly, do you let him sit with frustration instead of rescuing him?

For all of these there are things you can be doing to help coach him, but it sounds like you are just passively waiting for him to figure it out and then praising him only when he gets it right. No wonder he is afraid to try!

[Anonymous]

If you are worried he's becoming lazy and entitled, stop spoiling him. He sounds like a spoiled only child to me, and you're kind of throwing your hands up at age 6 as if you had nothing to do with this and can do nothing to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Throw away all video games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't get me wrong and please please try to be kind, if you must respond. I have no one to discuss it with IRL.
I love my son to pieces. He is almost 6. He has always been a pretty easy kid, sweet, normal, maybe on the shy side.
However, it seems like he is becoming a person I am not truly fond of. Let me try to explain. It is not about his behavior. It is already more about his personality, even though I know it is still so much of a work in progress.
He has become a little teenager if I may.
He does not like things that require even the least of effort. Yesterday was probably the first day in school when he completed his writing assignment, I was so surprised and praised him so much. Usually he tries to quit whenever there is a slightest difficulty. He fights every smallest homework assignment. The slightest critique- as much as telling him "you probably should listen to the coach more"- makes him want to quit an activity.
He does not say hi to people- does not say bye- says he feels shy to do so. I never pushed him but it is becoming to look rude now that he is not 3 anymore.
He hates to receive kisses.
In fact his favorite word is now "hate", he hates too many things this I don't forbid him to say as long as it is not about people.
He tried to throw his trash on the ground.
He tried to make me do stuff for him. He would actually ask very nicely- like- mommy can you do me a favor and carry my backpack today, I am tired- but this happens almost every day and with things like putting on his shoes, buckling up, and other run of the mill things. I don't discourage him when he wants to do stuff on his own, but it just doesn't happen often.
He seems to not like to go out and explore new things anymore. He is tired of walking as he says. He likes his scooter but he cannot take it everywhere.
He seems to be obsessed with electronics. If I let him, he would play minecraft and watch tutorials all day.
He likes Legos, he likes his karate class but that's about all he wants to do. And if offered a choice, he would much rather stay home and play video games!
He seems to only want to hang out with one or two friends. He outright refused to see two of his long time friends and play with them. The rest he doesn't care about much, and play dates just don't go too well. He either argues with them or ignores them.
He tries being rude to me, tries hitting me, argues with me all the time.
When I took him cross country skiing, he was whining, complaining and such. Even though he really wanted to do it, after a couple times all he wanted to do was sit in the cafeteria with a pizza slice and chips.
Speaking of pizza- his eating habits are changing for the worse, too. He was always a good eater, ate a variety of foods and liked his fruit and veggies. Now it is becoming a losing battle to give him his fruit and veggies, also he does not like homemade food anymore (not just mine), he tends to eat a few bites and wait until, say, a lunch at school which he buys or a meal out or walks around asking for snacks (I do allow healthy snacks when we are out and about with friends because his whining may ruin the whole thing).
Yes I do try to cap those behaviors and I do my best parenting him. But I am not a superhero myself! I get lazy or tired of his whining. Why does it have to be a struggle every darn time????
My H is not much help because he mostly spends his free time on the couch in front of the screen; he does not share my views on restricting screen time, sweets, and doing outdoor activities. I am not a sporty person but I think any child needs to get outside for an hour a day,weather permitting, eat their veggies, and have limited screen time. A lot of my energy goes into making sure H does not at least undermine my rules (I am not even hoping for help).
H is getting a bit better with time but still - no help or encouragement, just more struggle.

I am really worried that my only child will become a lazy and entitled person with self esteem issues, which is what I think describes his dad (of course I try not to show it).
Yes my husband has positive qualities, he loves his job and is open to improvement, he likes trying new things and traveling, he is pretty open minded. But I am not sure my son will inherit these qualities...
Ok thanks for bearing with me and reading this long rant, I appreciate any feedback.

You are either me or secretly parenting my son. He is 6.5 and has exactly the same issues... In our house too much whining will get your electronic taken away, but otherwise it is all the same. His friends are like that too, so to be honest I just assumed it is normal for boys that age. My DS has to complete his homework before he gets free play time, but other than that he has unlimited electronics/TV (unless punished). Since we dont limit he seems to play for a bit but will also play without them for hours (epic Starwars battles on a floor, etc.). The whining gets to me too, some days it seems like constant battle. Sometimes what works is just to completely disengage, ie not respond to any requests/questions, etc. But it only works at home (for obvious reasons).

I guess I dont have any useful advise, just commiseration...