Niece graduation - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

My husband's niece is graduating from grad school in May in CA. Her mother sent us the dates (in May) a while ago and just now we got an angry email demanding to know why we hadn't yet informed her of our plans. As context, SIL lives in CA and is semi-retired; her DD is their only child and has been out of the house for a few years. By contrast my DH and I both have busy FT jobs and kids in middle and elementary school. My DH tries to visit SIL (and his parents, with whom he has a strained relationship) once a year; SIL has only come to us once in our 15 year marriage. Niece travels a lot but also has never come to visit.

I really really don't want to go on this trip, and DH wants it even less. Our niece is a lovely young woman and we think it's wonderful she has gotten her advanced degree, but to take 2 kids out of school for the better part of the week and miss work for a graduation ceremony across the country just feels like a very expensive chore. I have an MA and PhD and even in my very close family, those ceremonies weren't must-see events.

OTOH we have very little family, and obviously SIL sees this as a command performance, so maybe I'm missing something. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I'd skip it without a qualm.

[Anonymous]

This is not one of those events you are obligated to attend, honestly can't imagine anyone expecting it.

Send a nice gift and a card.

[Anonymous]

Immediate family members should attend grad school graduations.

It did not even occur to me to invite my aunts to mine.

But what culture is she from? My friends who were Latina, West Indian, and African American had tons of extended family at their graduation. I am a WASP. We're lower maintenance but also less close....pros and cons.

[Anonymous]

It's not routine to have relatives at graduations for graduate school, particularly coming from across country.

[Anonymous]

Easy. Send an email saying how proud you are of niece, but won't be able to attend her graduation. Then send niece a card and small gift in a few months.

[Anonymous]

SIL is out of her mind. My own sister didn't even attend my college or law school graduation, I cannot imagine inviting aunts, uncles, etc. I told my parents they didn't need to come either, but they wanted to come enjoy DC in the spring and meet my new boyfriend (now husband). If your niece were local, you could stop by a graduation party, but dragging your entire family to sit for hours in an auditorium to watch her walk across a stage for 3 seconds...no way. Send her a check and wish her well.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the angry email was because you haven't let them know either way if you are coming or not?

I agree with the PP's that you don't have to go.
If you have been married for 15 years and have young children and she hasn't visited in 15 years that means they haven't been to any life events of your children (even when they were born possibly?) and that should wipe any guilt from your mind totally and completely.

Send a nice gift and save the expense for when she gets married in 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the angry email was because you haven't let them know either way if you are coming or not?

I agree with the PP's that you don't have to go.
If you have been married for 15 years and have young children and she hasn't visited in 15 years that means they haven't been to any life events of your children (even when they were born possibly?) and that should wipe any guilt from your mind totally and completely.

Send a nice gift and save the expense for when she gets married in 5 years.

Absolutely. I'd apologize for not responding earlier and say that regretfully you can't come. At graduation time, send a card and/or gift to your niece. And be sure that you stay in touch with her directly so that her mother doesn't have to be the intermediary! (She may still try to intervene, but she won't have to.)

[Anonymous]

Look, it doesn't matter if the ceremony is important to you, or it was not important to other posters, or if they had different experiences.

It matter to your SIL, and maybe your niece, period. Doesn't matter if it seems ridiculous to you; we all value different things.

So you have to decide what matters to YOU and your DH. If the relationship matters, and you know it will be strained if you don't go, then go.

If it can't get any worse, or you really don't care if it does, and it really is a burden to go, then your SIL will have to accept that. You send a nice gift, heartfelt regrets, and move on.

Whatever you do, let her know ASAP. Don't drag it out. That just drives people who are kind of crazy even crazier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the angry email was because you haven't let them know either way if you are coming or not?

I agree with the PP's that you don't have to go.
If you have been married for 15 years and have young children and she hasn't visited in 15 years that means they haven't been to any life events of your children (even when they were born possibly?) and that should wipe any guilt from your mind totally and completely.

Send a nice gift and save the expense for when she gets married in 5 years.

Absolutely. I'd apologize for not responding earlier and say that regretfully you can't come. At graduation time, send a card and/or gift to your niece. And be sure that you stay in touch with her directly so that her mother doesn't have to be the intermediary! (She may still try to intervene, but she won't have to.)

This is irrelevant, really. I don't like my sister much of the time and I have to travel her to see her. But I am not going to deny my kids and hers a relationship because my sister is lazy. In family, it is not usually a matter of what is fair or right, but how you can best preserve the important relationships working around people's many flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the angry email was because you haven't let them know either way if you are coming or not?

I agree with the PP's that you don't have to go.
If you have been married for 15 years and have young children and she hasn't visited in 15 years that means they haven't been to any life events of your children (even when they were born possibly?) and that should wipe any guilt from your mind totally and completely.

Send a nice gift and save the expense for when she gets married in 5 years.

Absolutely. I'd apologize for not responding earlier and say that regretfully you can't come. At graduation time, send a card and/or gift to your niece. And be sure that you stay in touch with her directly so that her mother doesn't have to be the intermediary! (She may still try to intervene, but she won't have to.)

This is irrelevant, really. I don't like my sister much of the time and I have to travel her to see her. But I am not going to deny my kids and hers a relationship because my sister is lazy. In family, it is not usually a matter of what is fair or right, but how you can best preserve the important relationships working around people's many flaws.

It does speak to the reasonableness of the expectations though. If SIL skipped their kids' baptisms or other milestone events, it's not quite reasonable to expect them to come to the graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the angry email was because you haven't let them know either way if you are coming or not?

I agree with the PP's that you don't have to go.
If you have been married for 15 years and have young children and she hasn't visited in 15 years that means they haven't been to any life events of your children (even when they were born possibly?) and that should wipe any guilt from your mind totally and completely.

Send a nice gift and save the expense for when she gets married in 5 years.

Absolutely. I'd apologize for not responding earlier and say that regretfully you can't come. At graduation time, send a card and/or gift to your niece. And be sure that you stay in touch with her directly so that her mother doesn't have to be the intermediary! (She may still try to intervene, but she won't have to.)

This is irrelevant, really. I don't like my sister much of the time and I have to travel her to see her. But I am not going to deny my kids and hers a relationship because my sister is lazy. In family, it is not usually a matter of what is fair or right, but how you can best preserve the important relationships working around people's many flaws.

It does speak to the reasonableness of the expectations though. If SIL skipped their kids' baptisms or other milestone events, it's not quite reasonable to expect them to come to the graduation.

Pp here from the first post quoted.
That's what I meant about the "no guilt." The OP was pretty clear that no one wanted to go, and it was a hardship of time and planning to go. The niece in question is of grad school age, aka an adult, and hasn't made the relationship a priority either so it's even more unreasonable to expect the OP to go

[Anonymous]

You don't plan on going.
Its rude of you not to have RSVP'd.
You said you got the invites awhile ago.

It;s fine if you don't want to attend your niece's graduation, but you are wrong to turn this into an occasion for all the ways sil has wronged me.

Send your regrets- as you should have done awhile ago.

In May send your niece a card.

The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd skip it without a qualm.

This.