Feelling Constantly Criticized And Like I Carry Most of the Responsibility - Not Sure Where to Start

[Anonymous]

Things DH says where I feel criticized: 1) Driving- Suggesting I get into a different lane because an exit is coming up. An exit we take routinely and yes, I know it is coming up, thank you very much. Conversely, if I get in the exit lane too soon and am stuck behind traffic, he'll suggest I pull into another lane and then get in the exit lane at the last minute. I just can't win. He'd always do something different than I do, and can't stop himself from suggesting I do things his way. His perspective is that he's just trying to be helpful and make sure I don't miss our exit. I feel like he must think I'm an idiot if I don't know an exit I've taken hundreds of times. 2) Shopping- Comments about grocery receipts like "gosh, that is a lot for strawberries. Would they have been cheaper somewhere else? Do we need them?" Yes, the may have been cheaper elsewhere. No, we don't need them. I like them. They're a healthy treat, and our toddlers' favorite color is red. 3) Commenting on how I sometimes don't eat much of the lunch prepares. Well, he's been making the same thing every day for four years. Sometimes I want something different. Sometimes I go out to lunch with my colleagues. Sometimes I have to remind myself he's not trying to control my eating or spending by making me lunch. He's trying to be helpful - I think.

On feeling like I carry most of the responsibility, I've heard it said that in a balanced relationship each partner feels like they're doing the majority of the housework/chores. If you feel like the balance is fair, you're probably not doing enough. Well, I feel like I do the vast majority of keeping things running. I clean our apartment every weekend, wash the laundry, ensure bills are paid, track spending, do the taxes, prepare DC's meals and snacks every day (which I leave for the nanny to feed DC), straighten up the apartment every evening. DH will help fold laundry if I'm doing it, or if it has been sitting in a pile for a few days. He makes lunch for both of us every day and helps me put away DC's toys most evenings (the nanny does this too before leaving, but there are always some toys to put away again after bed time). Clutter bothers me before it gets to a point that it bothers DH, so I usually deal with it first (and usually it is from DH leaving things sitting around - like the stack of water bills from the past year that he hasn't scanned but wants to have so he can track our water usage. Sadly this info isn't available online). DH was previously taking care of all car related things, but after four months of a rattling sound in the car which is progressively getting worse, I finally called the mechanic and made an appointment to take the car in. This evening, DH tells me he wishes I'd made the appointment for a day later so he could call and ask the mechanic a few questions about how much some things would cost (in addition to checking out the noise, we also need an oil change and the wheels haven't been rotated in 1.5 years, so I made an appointment for all of that to be taken care of together). Before making the appointment I asked DH if there were any days that he needed the car so I could avoid having the car at the mechanic's those days, so he wasn't surprised that I was doing this.

In the grand scheme of things I know that each of these things are small, but they wear on me. We've been married 8 years, have 1 child and another on the way this summer. Whenever I try talking to DH about this stuff I try to focus on how I feel (b.c. all the relationship advice seems to advocate this as a way to not criticize your partner) and asking him why he does or says certain things (so I can better understand his perspective and maybe not feel so criticized as a result). I never feel any better because the truth is, I'd like him to stop second guessing me. (I am a reasonable person with an independent mind who just isn't going to think like him 100% of the time, so if I'm driving, let me drive!) I'd also like him to have the ability to look around a messy apartment and pitch in. He plays with DC while I clean - I'd love to play with DC instead of clean. 99% of the time I don't say anything because 1) it has never helped, and 2) if we end up in an argument his feelings end up hurt so then I'm dealing not only with how crappy I feel but with trying to help pull him out of a bad mood. This doesn't feel healthy and I'm exhausted. I don't know where to begin so am wondering if anyone in DC Urban Mom land has any advice. Even if you don't have any advice, if you've read this whole thing you're a champ. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

1. Condense your message to the main points.

2. Do the same when you talk to him! Be a talking bullet list, ready with counterarguments and evidence. No whining or tears.

3. Avoid talking about feelings. To most men, that's a complete turn off.
Talk about facts. List who should do what in the house. Come up with a grocery budget together. Then you'll be able to show him that these strawberries did not blow your grocery budget.

I used to be you. I learned how to talk to my husband so that he'll listen. The sappy emotional stuff is reserved for date night. When I'm displeased with him, I stay all business.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever tried to make a joke of his backseat driving while it's happening?

Do you have room in the budget to hire a cleaning service?

If you don't want to hire a cleaning service, can you give him a list of things to do around the house? My husband never sees what needs to be done, but he's great if I ask him to do a few things each day. "Sweetie, can you clean up the kitchen after dinner while I help Joey with homework?" That type of thing.

[Anonymous]

21:44 again: As for the driving "advice", ignore. Focus on what you were planning to do, otherwise you'll get into an accident. Also feel free to occasionally snap his head off by a long banshee yell - he'll have totally deserved it

[Anonymous]

How much does this get to you? Hugely annoyed, enraged, considering divorce?
This is an issue for you, tell him that it is and how much (from above)
Ask him if he'll go to councilling with you for you to work on it together?
If he wont go to councilling, go for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Learn some brief phrases
"Backseat driving is considered rude. Please stop"
"It's my turn to play. Please take over the cleaning."
"If you don't like how I did it, do it yourself."

Find a way to communicate that works. Don't just stop talking.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, you lost me on the part where you said you have another child on the way.

[Anonymous]

he does sound petty.

I would tell him he needs to seriously lay off you and stop nit picking you (or "nagging", men's favorite word) about price and other issues.

[Anonymous]

1- I go through this with my husband too. Learn to pick your battles and let shit go. Seriously. I just brush it off. Same with my sister who's pretty much the worlds worst back seat driver.
2- this would annoy the hell out of me. perhaps suggest he can do the shopping if he doesn't like how much you spent on strawberries. Do you have a budget for groceries? tell him you stayed within the budget, who the f*ck cares if you spent a lot on fruit so long as you got everything else you need for the week.
3-I don't know about this one, but why does it upset you so much?

In general perhaps having a conversation about nitpicking you hopefully would help.
Re: cleaning--Some people can't just look around and see what needs to be done---give him a specific task. Ask for what you need!

[Anonymous]

Start telling him to do things himself. Say you know how to do it but you totally understand if he prefers to do it himself. Like with driving. When he gives suggestions tell him he's distracting you, but next time you'd be happy to let him drive. Then the next time, get in the passenger seat and let him drive. If he asks why, say he seemed to want to drive last time and you needed a break. With the groceries, same thing. Tell him you'd love help with meal planning and grocery shopping. Ask how he'll be contributing to that task.

The playing vs cleaning thing is different imo. That sounds like you doing the same thing back to him. You want something done your way, but you don't want to do it. So either stop cleaning and play with the kid, or discuss splitting chores more evenly so it's not "your job" to do all the tidying up. You can't demand he become a neat freak.

[Anonymous]

first off, while I am sure that you are bothered by these comments, they appear to be more reflections of your husband's anxieties or preoccupations than actual criticisms. The fact that you see them as criticisms suggests perhaps you are hypersensitive to criticism. They are annoying, yes, but I take criticism to be moderate to strongly negative reactions to something you are doing, saying. These things are kidn of run of the mill, and almost suggest that your husband is afraid to be direct to you (I think we are spending too much money on organic fruit).


Secondly, how much are you actually communicating that this stuff bothers you? Your post was extremely long, but nowhere did I hear the exchange between you and DH where you expressed your feelings about his actions or comments and how he reacted. Have you in fact tried to deal with this? Maybe he has no idea how you feel. With the household stuff, how much do you actually ask him/tell him to take care of XYZ, or do you wait for him to do it, get annoyed and then do it yourself and be even more annoyed? It kind of sounded like that with the car, and I wonder if you are expecting him to pick up on the inequity and remedy it, silently asking for what you should just outright ask for.

I mention this question of direct communication because my husband has similar tendencies (my god he is always criticizing my driving, but i have a totally clean record and he has a terrible one!) and can be quite critical and nitpicking (and far less gentle than your husband's comments, i must say). But if he says something out of line I respond clearly articulating why his comment bothered me, without being accusatory. I just let him know that I would appreciate a different tone, that was not a fair comment, etc. And then I'm usually silent (not silent treatment, just I make my comment and let it go and sometimes he apologizes or rephrases, or whatever but I try not to stew, although with the driving, I just let it go, with a lot of inner eye rolling, becaues I know its my husband's issue, not mine).

as for division of labor, I used to do nearly everything related to the home and much with the kids and all financial and spend a lot of time angry about it. This was bad for our marriage. We had soem serious talks and I made it clear that I was no longer going to do everything--i didn't turn into a nagging bitch, I just made it clear what I was going to do and what I was no longer going to do and the rest was either undone or his responsibility but that I no longer was going to do it all and get upset or spend my time nagging him because ultimately that was worse than things being undone. I also made it clear how his inaction made me feel and that I thought our partnership was stronger when we both felt we were pitching in more or less equally. And this he gets. He also expressed areas where he wanted me to step up--not task wise, but attention wise. He needed more attention and response (and not just sex ,but that helps). So, we slowly are getting out of the blame/resentment game. Its not perfect, by any means, but eventually he does the laundry, the shopping, the appontment, etc. And I will no longer keep a running tally in my mind. Instead I will just say "DD needs to go to the dentist. Can you take her next week?" or "Can you go to the store and pick up x,y,z" or "I have a very busy week coming up. Can you handle pick ups and dinner on tues and thurs" etc and then be sure to appreciate all that he does. He is actually happy to oblige, if he can, now that it no longer feels like he is doing it to prove that he is not a schmuck of a husband.

[Anonymous]

TL, DR

[Anonymous]

If you're driving, you're driving. If he wants to drive, he can drive.

If you're buying the groceries, you pick what goes in the cart (within reason, and strawberries are pretty reasonable). If he wants to control the groceries, he can do the shopping.

If he wants to do the shopping, handle the car, negotiate prices, he has to actually do those things. If they go undone, and you step up to do them, then you're doing them and he doesn't get to bitch.

re: housekeeping, you have a toddler. Lower your standards and/or hire help. If DH wants his shit scanned, make a weekly folder. He has 'til the end of the week to do whatever he wants to it, then it gets trashed. That way, it's all in one place and it has an expiration date.

Have this conversation once. After that, the only thing you need to say is "We've been over this. Please stop." Boundaries are your friend, so get some!

PS - his moods are his problem. Don't argue. Speak plainly (nothin' but the facts) and move on. The less you say, the better. Getting caught up in argument gives him the opportunity to "catch feelings" and use that as a derail.

[Anonymous]

The driving thing is a sensitive area for me and I have been known to say "either I can drive or you can drive, which is it?" and then he shuts the eff up.

[Anonymous]

Op try to keep this all in perspective. Take me and my DH:

1) he does nothing but empty the dishwasher. I do EVERYTHING. He wouldn't even call the mechanic or check a grocery receipt or straighten up or pack a lunch ha! I wish.

2) that's normal for men - they mostly only do "defined tasks" we ladies delegate on the spot with explicit details like to a child.

3) most couples engage in back seat driving - DHs driving drives me up a wall.

4) ok, your DH might be frugal, I will give you that. Not sure how severely.