Reply to Feelling Constantly Criticized And Like I Carry Most of the Responsibility

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[quote=Anonymous]Things DH says where I feel criticized:  1) Driving- Suggesting I get into a different lane because an exit is coming up.  An exit we take routinely and yes, I know it is coming up, thank you very much.  Conversely, if I get in the exit lane too soon and am stuck behind traffic, he'll suggest I pull into another lane and then get in the exit lane at the last minute.  I just can't win.  He'd always do something different than I do, and can't stop himself from suggesting I do things his way.  His perspective is that he's just trying to be helpful and make sure I don't miss our exit.  I feel like he must think I'm an idiot if I don't know an exit I've taken hundreds of times.  2) Shopping- Comments about grocery receipts like "gosh, that is a lot for strawberries.  Would they have been cheaper somewhere else?  Do we need them?"  Yes, the may have been cheaper elsewhere.  No, we don't need them.  I like them.  They're a healthy treat, and our toddlers' favorite color is red.  3) Commenting on how I sometimes don't eat much of the lunch prepares.  Well, he's been making the same thing every day for four years.  Sometimes I want something different.  Sometimes I go out to lunch with my colleagues.  Sometimes I have to remind myself he's not trying to control my eating or spending by making me lunch.  He's trying to  be helpful - I think.

On feeling like I carry most of the responsibility, I've heard it said that in a balanced relationship each partner feels like they're doing the majority of the housework/chores.  If you feel like the balance is fair, you're probably not doing enough.  Well, I feel like I do the vast majority of keeping things running.  I clean our apartment every weekend, wash the laundry, ensure bills are paid, track spending, do the taxes, prepare DC's meals and snacks every day (which I leave for the nanny to feed DC), straighten up the apartment every evening.  DH will help fold laundry if I'm doing it, or if it has been sitting in a pile for a few days.  He makes lunch for both of us every day and helps me put away DC's toys most evenings (the nanny does this too before leaving, but there are always some toys to put away again after bed time).  Clutter bothers me before it gets to a point that it bothers DH, so I usually deal with it first (and usually it is from DH leaving things sitting around - like the stack of water bills from the past year that he hasn't scanned but wants to have so he can track our water usage.  Sadly this info isn't available online).  DH was previously taking care of all car related things, but after four months of a rattling sound in the car which is progressively getting worse, I finally called the mechanic and made an appointment to take the car in.  This evening, DH tells me he wishes I'd made the appointment for a day later so he could call and ask the mechanic a few questions about how much some things would cost (in addition to checking out the noise, we also need an oil change and the wheels haven't been rotated in 1.5 years, so I made an appointment for all of that to be taken care of together).  Before making the appointment I asked DH if there were any days that he needed the car so I could avoid having the car at the mechanic's those days, so he wasn't surprised that I was doing this.

In the grand scheme of things I know that each of these things are small, but they wear on me.  We've been married 8 years, have 1 child and another on the way this summer.  Whenever I try talking to DH about this stuff I try to focus on how I feel (b.c. all the relationship advice seems to advocate this as a way to not criticize your partner) and asking him why he does or says certain things (so I can better understand his perspective and maybe not feel so criticized as a result).  I never feel any better because the truth is, I'd like him to stop second guessing me.  (I am a reasonable person with an independent mind who just isn't going to think like him 100% of the time, so if I'm driving, let me drive!) I'd also like him to have the ability to look around a messy apartment and pitch in.  He plays with DC while I clean - I'd love to play with DC instead of clean.  99% of the time I don't say anything because 1) it has never helped, and 2) if we end up in an argument his feelings end up hurt so then I'm dealing not only with how crappy I feel but with trying to help pull him out of a bad mood.  This doesn't feel healthy and I'm exhausted.  I don't know where to begin so am wondering if anyone in DC Urban Mom land has any advice.  Even if you don't have any advice, if you've read this whole thing you're a champ. Thank you.        [/quote]

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