Reply to Feelling Constantly Criticized And Like I Carry Most of the Responsibility

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Reply to "Feelling Constantly Criticized And Like I Carry Most of the Responsibility - Not Sure Where to Start"

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[quote=Anonymous]first off, while I am sure that you are bothered by these comments, they appear to be more reflections of your husband's anxieties or preoccupations than actual criticisms. The fact that you see them as criticisms suggests perhaps you are hypersensitive to criticism. They are annoying, yes, but I take criticism to be moderate to strongly negative reactions to something you are doing, saying. These things are kidn of run of the mill, and almost suggest that your husband is afraid to be direct to you (I think we are spending too much money on organic fruit).

Secondly, how much are you actually communicating that this stuff bothers you? Your post was extremely long, but nowhere did I hear the exchange between you and DH where you expressed your feelings about his actions or comments and how he reacted. Have you in fact tried to deal with this? Maybe he has no idea how you feel. With the household stuff, how much do you actually ask him/tell him to take care of XYZ, or do you wait for him to do it, get annoyed and then do it yourself and be even more annoyed? It kind of sounded like that with the car, and I wonder if you are expecting him to pick up on the inequity and remedy it, silently asking for what you should just outright ask for.

I mention this question of direct communication because my husband has similar tendencies (my god he is always criticizing my driving, but i have a totally clean record and he has a terrible one!) and can be quite critical and nitpicking (and far less   gentle than your husband's comments, i must say). But if he says something out of line I respond clearly articulating why his comment bothered me, without being accusatory. I just let him know that I would appreciate a different tone, that was not a fair comment, etc. And then I'm usually silent (not silent treatment, just I make my comment and let it go and sometimes he apologizes or rephrases, or whatever but I try not to stew, although with the driving, I just let it go, with a lot of inner eye rolling, becaues I know its my husband's issue, not mine).

as for division of labor, I used to do nearly everything related to the home and much with the kids and all financial and spend a lot of time angry about it. This was bad for our marriage. We had soem serious talks and I made it clear that I was no longer going to do everything--i didn't turn into a nagging bitch, I just made it clear what I was going to do and what I was no longer going to do and the rest was either undone or his responsibility but that I no longer was going to do it all and get upset or spend my time nagging him because ultimately that was worse than things being undone. I also made it clear how his inaction made me feel and that I thought our partnership was stronger when we both felt we were pitching in more or less equally. And this he gets. He also expressed areas where he wanted me to step up--not task wise, but attention wise. He needed more attention and response (and not just sex ,but that helps). So, we slowly are getting out of the blame/resentment game.  Its not perfect, by any means, but eventually he does the laundry, the shopping, the appontment, etc. And I will no longer keep a running tally in my mind. Instead I will just say "DD needs to go to the dentist. Can you take her next week?" or "Can you go to the store and pick up x,y,z" or "I have a very busy week coming up. Can you handle pick ups and dinner on tues and thurs" etc and then be sure to appreciate all that he does.  He is actually happy to oblige, if he can, now that it no longer feels like he is doing it to prove that he is not a schmuck of a husband. [/quote]

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