Feelling Constantly Criticized And Like I Carry Most of the Responsibility - Not Sure Where to Start

[Anonymous]

I , in a calm manner, and caveat that this is after counseling and a lot of work, remind my husband that 1) any job or task he criticizes more than twice is his and 2) all suggestions from him for "improvement" on my part realistically must start out on the fundamental basis that I am not a fucking idiot. In those exact works. Said gently, and lovingly, and directly.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like it's more about just how he is. I would guess he is like this around other people too, not just you. He just likes to criticize and do things his way. So it's probably not that he thinks you're uniquely incompetent -- he just thinks everyone is. I would address these situations practically: 1. Just let him drive everywhere. I know a couple who does this because the husband can't control his backseat driving behavior. He's just too anxious or something. 2. Divide up tasks very completely. So that means that if you do the shopping, make sure he literally has no role or information about it because he won't be able to stop himself from correcting you. He sounds like a stressy perfectionist, but you're in it for good now with 2 kids so you need to find practical ways to make it work.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he has ocd.

[Anonymous]

99% of the time I don't say anything because 1) it has never helped, and 2) if we end up in an argument his feelings end up hurt so then I'm dealing not only with how crappy I feel but with trying to help pull him out of a bad mood.

I think this is the crux of your problems. Nothing in specific that he does is a big problem, its that you do not feel like you are able to express your feelings without 'hurting' him. It is not healthy for you to keep all the resentment in and 'protect' him and it is not healthy that he is not able to hear anything you are saying without getting hurt and it is not healthy for all these small things to turn into big arguments. It is quite possible that you both need to learn how to listen to each other without judgment and without feeling judged and for that I think you really could both use couples counseling. In my marital experience--one in which we are generally on the same page in terms of the Big Issues, but often fight or snap at smaller stuff--it was that we had stopped being able to listen and hear each other without interpreting everything as veiled attack, criticism, disappointment, etc, instead of giving each other the benefit of the doubt and starting from the assumption that we were on the same team fundamentally. We had to do exercises in which we listen and mirrored each other, instead of immediately assuming the worst.

This is the main issue you two need to discuss in counseling, stat, before baby #2 turns these small problems into a nuclear war. Seriously.