If you've cut off a parent, what do you say to your kids?
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Anonymous
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I come from a deeply dysfunctional and unhappy family, and I've struggled my whole life to maintain relationships with my mother and sister, both of whom are toxic and cruel. But my mom cut off her own mother when I was a child (for a series of terrible family incidents), and then my sister cut off my dad when she was a teenager (my dad is one of the kindest, most beloved people I know, but she transferred her rage at my mom at him). I've always sworn I would not set the example for my children that family is dispensible, lest they have to live with the same fear I did that they could be cut off at some point in their lives.
But lately I've been considering it again, more seriously. These are people who bring me a lot of pain and sadness, and never any joy. My mom doesn't even like my son (6), which I know because she "accidentally" cc'd me on an email to my sister saying he is an "unappealing child." She's already told me she's cut me out of her will, so it's not like there would be a loss there. I've shielded my kids from any negative impressions of my mom and sister, because I feel like that's my job as a parent, when they are too little to pick up on the really crazy stuff for themselves. If you've cut off a family member, especially once your children know them already, how have you managed it? How have your kids reacted? Do you feel like it will have reprecussions for your own relationship with them? Any advice would be much appreciated. |
Anonymous
| I wish I could tell you. Our DS is also 6, and we very rarely see DH's very dysfunctional family. DH's parents are divorced, and my FIL has been interested in DS seeing him 2-3 times a year. I sadly do not think my MIL would care if she ever saw him or us though, and she once went 2 years without seeing DS. They live about an 8 hour drive away so the physical distance has always hidden the emotional distance. I know he will figure it out sooner or later though, and I do not know how to explain this. |
Anonymous
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When I was 6, my dad cut off his parents as a result of an incident with his parents over a holiday. Of course, I didn't understand. A few years later, like 1 or 2, some basics were explained in a very elementary fashion. I still didn't understand, but was incredibly proud of my dad that he stood up for himself, his wife, children and dignity at the expense of effectively not having his parents. It seemed to me to have taken an enormous amount of courage.
The rift repaired 20 years later. I was proud of him again for having the strength of forgiveness. Only you know your child. And your child will know a lie. |
Anonymous
| I've just told my 7yo DC that my father isn't a nice person and that he's not part of our lives. If I'm pressed for details about why he's not nice, I just say DC is too young to get into it now. Then I try to refocus on family members we do see and love. That's been good enough so far. |
Anonymous
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As someone struggling with maintaining my relationship with my sister who cut off our father (same idea as OP: divorce, sister took my moms side and can't move on 25 years later), while having a relationship with my father including as a wonderful grandparent to my boys, please consider the mass "spread", if you will, of such a decision on every family event including weddings and funerals on the entire family that will result.
I'm not saying having a great relationship, I just wish my sister did a once a year school picture send or phone call at Christmas just to keep some relationship so we don't have a 3-4 time annual "who's going" dramatics around every funeral, wedding, baby shower, retirement party, graduation and family reunion. My kids have a distant relationship with her in part because her kids and my kids are too young to have a "why is your grandpa not my grandpa -oh wait, he is, my mom told me he was evil" chat. There was no abuse, neglect, alcohol, drugs, nothing, no money withheld, no cheating, just a divorce with typical hard feelings. So just another point of view from someone witnessing the fallout on people that really don't deserve it. Good luck in whatever decision you make! |
Anonymous
| I don't think my child has noticed that we don't see her uncle, aunt, or cousins on my side. |
Anonymous
| My brother cut off my mother and I after he married a very weird woman. His wife had no relationship with her mother so we wonder if that has something to do with it. |
Anonymous
| Cut off my brother about 2 years ago. Explained to my 9 year old DD that he has mental illness (bipolar and depression) and is very difficult to be around. I didn't go into detail, but explained that mental illness is like any other physical illness - it's just that his brain and behavior are affected by it. She seemed to really understand, and seemed to satisfy her curiosity as to why we never see them anymore. I really struggled with telling her that but now I'm really glad I did. Not sure if mental illness plays a role in your story but if it does the direct approach may be something to consider. Good luck. Cutting someone off ain't easy. |
Anonymous
| I did not cut off anyone; I was cut off. I don't know what I will tell DS when he's old enough to notice. Probably the truth in age appropriate terms, what else? |
Anonymous
| Why were you cut off? Anything you can do to change situation? We are not cutting off but manage around my mom who has mental illness. We talk to our kids about grandmom's sickness and still have them call her once a month and visit a few times a year for a short period of time. I always hate the word cut off since it seems so final and sometimes there is room for a midway point. |
Anonymous
| I should add that I ask myself how would I feel is my mom died and I did nothing. I would feel awful so I am trying to find a way to do what is morally right without draining myself or my family. |
Anonymous
My father is a depressed alcoholic; he does not communicate with anybody except my mother. I was not singled out. It's more like he cut off the world and left a couple of people, because otherwise he would be completely alone, and he hates that. He has experienced severe psychological problems throughout his life and self-medicated with alcohol. Now that he is pushing 70, he turned completely antisocial and paranoid. He has not expressed any interest in seeing me or DS in the past 15 years. If DS has a question why his only living grandpa does not want to know him, I will say that grandpa has been mentally ill all his life, and no help was available to him when it could make a difference. He self-medicated with alcohol that pretty much destroyed his life. |
Anonymous
You're conflating two issues. Just because you cut off someone doesn't mean you can't attend the same events. I cut off my dad because of abuse yet we've been to a couple of the same weddings. If I come into contact with him, I will be civil but I will not engage with him. |
Anonymous
I'm glad that you are able to do this. That would be wonderful. My sister will not and in the past when she has, it has made such a scene since not everyone knew and tried to sit them at the same table, the young grandkids were confused to find out they had the same grandfather (my sisters son heard them call my father Grandpa, someone else told him "that's your Grandpa too) and asked a ton of questions that were awkward to discuss in the middle of a wedding and not appropriate, and one of my aunts was so upset by the whole situation that she tried to talk to my sister about it and got an earful about how poisonous my father is, and began to cry. Just my experience in this nightmare! Glad to know it is not like that for everyone. |
Anonymous
| I told my daughter the truth: that although her grandmother has done some nice things at times, she does a great deal of harm to many people. It's my job to protect my child from harm, so we don't have the grandmother in our lives. |