Husband dresses terribly

[Anonymous]

DCUM, I need help or commiseration- my DH is a wonderful, thoughtful, kind partner and husband but he dresses like a complete dweeb. For instance, this morning he left the house in dockers that were fine 5 years ago but are now WAY too tight (15 lbs later, gained gradually over the years). He put on shoes with literal HOLES in the backs and fraying edges. He shaves his head and missed spots. The look is topped off with his wallet and phone shoved in the front pockets of his too tight pants. Oh my God.


Mind you, he has new professional shoes that he refuses to wear, better dress pants (that he doesn't wear), and the implements and finances to take care of his grooming and dress. He just doesn't care.

He is employed in a high earning field which involves a lot of personal contact with others (i.e., not hiding behind a computer all day). I'm afraid that his sloppy grooming and style of dress causes people to lack respect in him.

Things I've tried: telling him this nicely, he gets mad.
shopping for him, he typically won't wear what I buy him (and I have to spend a lot of time taking/sending things back).
shopping with him but we now have 2 young children and its a cluster f to do.
behavioral conditioning of increased compliments and sex when he wears nice looking clothes (I was a psych major )

I can't be the only one who deals with this. All advice appreciated!

[Anonymous]

Have you tried the direct approach?

It sounds like you have two issues you would like to address:
1) You find him unattractive and embarrassing when he doesn't care about his appearance.
2) You are afraid this will affect him at work.

You can have this conversation ONCE, kindly (not being nice, or jokey, or trying to "suggest" things -- being completely direct). But you must include your personal distaste. He is, presumably, the expert on his own job, and can make his own decisions about how his "look" is or is not affecting his performance there. Your best shot at getting him to care more is to put it to him that you need him to do this for you.

Then, you have to drop it. After that conversation, your only option left is to decide what you are going to do. Leave him? Stop going places with him? Stop having sex with him? Learn to ignore it? Whatever -- the only person you can control is you.

[Anonymous]

What I do and DH fully approves and loves:
-buy all the clothing
-toss anything with frayed hems, holes, shoes with holes, too tight, too big.
-make a hair appointment every 6 weeks during his lunch time

DH is exceptionally busy and doesn't have time to deal with clothing, what looks good or weeding out clothes with holes. I enjoy doing it though. Sometimes he's a bit picky, but I try to buy clothes I know he'll like (NOT skinny jeans) and when he has a favorite brand of shoes, I'll stick with it for years. It's not an option in my house to wear holey clothes or shoes, so that's not even on the table.

I do agree that your DH's sloppy clothes or clothes with holes aren't getting him the respect at work he wants. That was actually how DH started letting me do his clothes when we were dating.

[Anonymous]

Is he in the sciences by any chance? If so, he's just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried the direct approach?

It sounds like you have two issues you would like to address:
1) You find him unattractive and embarrassing when he doesn't care about his appearance.
2) You are afraid this will affect him at work.

You can have this conversation ONCE, kindly (not being nice, or jokey, or trying to "suggest" things -- being completely direct). But you must include your personal distaste. He is, presumably, the expert on his own job, and can make his own decisions about how his "look" is or is not affecting his performance there. Your best shot at getting him to care more is to put it to him that you need him to do this for you.

Then, you have to drop it. After that conversation, your only option left is to decide what you are going to do. Leave him? Stop going places with him? Stop having sex with him? Learn to ignore it? Whatever -- the only person you can control is you.

Scratch number one. It's too harsh. Anybody would get mad and rightfully so. I say press on with the career issue, especially if he is ambitious.

[Anonymous]

That's your problem? Lucky you! Cherish your loyal, honorable DH who loves you but picks the wrong tie for his suit.

I could swear that I've seen a dozen threads like this before. Get back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's your problem? Lucky you! Cherish your loyal, honorable DH who loves you but picks the wrong tie for his suit.

I could swear that I've seen a dozen threads like this before. Get back to work.

Wrong tie for his suit? He's wearing shoes and pants with holes in them to his professional job.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, just throw out or donate clothing that no longer fits or is inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

They need to do a TLC show for men with that brunette lady, Stacey. Maybe if he got feedback from others, he might realize that he's dressing inappropriately.

OP, I feel you. My DH has absolutely no fashion sense. Also, he grew up with a family that had very tight finances--all boys too, so they had no interest in fashion.

Several years ago before we had kids, I spent countless hours with DH at the outlets and bought wrinkle free dress shirts from Brooks Brothers outlet and Hugo Boss dress pants (all at outlets). DH is extremely tall and thin so he can't buy off the rack. Hugo pants comes with no hems. We took them to a tailor close to his office and had the pants hemmed and sometimes the waist taken in.

This is his every day work outfit. Also bought 4 or so different work shoes. Tried to get better quality ones so they last longer, etc. Fortunately, he treats his shoes pretty well, so they're not scuffed or have holes. Occasionally he takes a pair down the street to a cobbler to resole.

W/r/t his casual clothes, he tends to wear the same thing over and over again until they have holes in them. Drove me crazy when I found some jeans at Nordstrom Rack and he wouldn't let me buy multiples of them. Turns out they were his favorite and he wore them for everything (including around the house) so now they're frayed. Since we don't go out too much, I don't really care when he's not at work or if it is not a special occasion (e.g., family picture). Recently, I got some really nice flannel and cashmere/cotton sweaters at the end of the season from JCrew. Also made him abandon some worn out sneakers and replaced them with nice retro ones from adidas outlet.

I agree with the PP, go through his closet and remove the old, holey frayed stuff and toss it. Other things that are still in good condition but do absolutely nothing for him should be given away, tossed or donated. That is what I try to do (although I have no desire or inclination to be responsible for every person's clothing in our house (2 young kids, me and DH). Every so often I will take his old undershirts and put them in the old rag pile for our cleaning ladies. We buy Kirkland shirts at Costco.

[Anonymous]

I really like that my DH dresses a bit frayed. He WAH and we are in creative fields with artsy friends, so a Brooks Brothers shirt would get laughed at way more than an old band t-shirt and worn out sneakers.

I know plenty of professional scientists, mathematicians, academics, and artists who look a bit messy on purpose. It's a signifier in their fields.

If your DH is in any of those fields, you might just have to get over your hang-ups.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to look around at other professional men and see what they are wearing. Are their shoes frayed and full of holes, do their pants fit tightly? I do this with my DH sometimes. Look around at your peers and notice the differences. You don't have to dress exactly like them, but close is good.

Take him to Nordstrom and get ready to blow some money. Buy 5 new pairs of pants that fit. They will tailor them in the store. They will probably be expensive, but it will be worth it. Try on every shirt they have. Find one that looks good and buy 5 of it.

Go home and get RID OF EVERYTHING ELSE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really like that my DH dresses a bit frayed. He WAH and we are in creative fields with artsy friends, so a Brooks Brothers shirt would get laughed at way more than an old band t-shirt and worn out sneakers.

I know plenty of professional scientists, mathematicians, academics, and artists who look a bit messy on purpose. It's a signifier in their fields.

If your DH is in any of those fields, you might just have to get over your hang-ups.

Uh no. I have three men with math PhDs in my family and all dress very well. Yes, their colleagues sometimes look like a mess, but you are not more respected if you dress poorly. There's less pressure for sure, but the ones who do a basic business-casual look WELL stand out a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to look around at other professional men and see what they are wearing. Are their shoes frayed and full of holes, do their pants fit tightly? I do this with my DH sometimes. Look around at your peers and notice the differences. You don't have to dress exactly like them, but close is good.

Take him to Nordstrom and get ready to blow some money. Buy 5 new pairs of pants that fit. They will tailor them in the store. They will probably be expensive, but it will be worth it. Try on every shirt they have. Find one that looks good and buy 5 of it.

Go home and get RID OF EVERYTHING ELSE.

I was always told you should dress like those one level above you. In other words, dress like the position you aspire to, not the one you're in. Within reason, of course.

That said, I'm an IT Manager and frayed Dockers and bad shoes are sort of the standard uniform, even at a management level. Good grooming is suggested though, despite the IT stereotype.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really like that my DH dresses a bit frayed. He WAH and we are in creative fields with artsy friends, so a Brooks Brothers shirt would get laughed at way more than an old band t-shirt and worn out sneakers.

I know plenty of professional scientists, mathematicians, academics, and artists who look a bit messy on purpose. It's a signifier in their fields.

If your DH is in any of those fields, you might just have to get over your hang-ups.

Uh no. I have three men with math PhDs in my family and all dress very well. Yes, their colleagues sometimes look like a mess, but you are not more respected if you dress poorly. There's less pressure for sure, but the ones who do a basic business-casual look WELL stand out a lot.

... Sometimes in the wrong "does he think he's in admin.?" way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really like that my DH dresses a bit frayed. He WAH and we are in creative fields with artsy friends, so a Brooks Brothers shirt would get laughed at way more than an old band t-shirt and worn out sneakers.

I know plenty of professional scientists, mathematicians, academics, and artists who look a bit messy on purpose. It's a signifier in their fields.

If your DH is in any of those fields, you might just have to get over your hang-ups.

Uh no. I have three men with math PhDs in my family and all dress very well. Yes, their colleagues sometimes look like a mess, but you are not more respected if you dress poorly. There's less pressure for sure, but the ones who do a basic business-casual look WELL stand out a lot.

Uh, yes. That's my experience. It might be different than yours, but it's still valid. You don't know who I know.