Those who initiated divorce or separation, how did you do it?
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Anonymous
| How did you end things? What did you say?Who left the house? How did the kids take it? |
Anonymous
| We mutually agreed it wasn't working and wasn't going to get better and we needed to stop before we either killed each other or accidentally physically hurt one of the kids or killed their souls. I left. The kids took it well. Relieved. We didn't tell them until we'd figured out exactly how their lives would change. So in the same moment we told them, we also said "Here's where you'll live, here's when you'll see this parent, that parent, you can always call, we'll both throw your birthday parties, attend plays/concerts, etc." |
Anonymous
| We made a deal through my lawyer that if he left, I would not press charges. |
Anonymous
|
Calmly sat down on the couch and said "I want a divorce"...the SHTF pretty much immediately. I was out of the house by the end of the day, and in another property we owned. No kids, so they weren't an issue. There was a fair bit of wrangling (for two years!) before we got the property agreement worked out. I think it took her that long to accept that it was for real, and I wasn't coming back.
I had not talked to a lawyer first, and in hindsight, I'd recommend - even if you aren't sure you are going to leave - that you talk to one before you tell your spouse and absolutely before you move out of (abandon) the house. You really want to have all your ducks in a row in case your spouse goes a little nuts - a lot of people stop behaving rationally. At the very least, many are uncooperative in the extreme and make it as hard as possible for you to do. Don't expect they will take it well, and assume that things will be worked out smoothly in a discussion. If that happens, yatzhee! If not, well, going in with legal advice and all your ducks lined up is your best bet. You don't have to hire a high-powered expensive attorney; there are clinics that will help and will give you good legal advice about protecting your financial interests. |
Anonymous
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I confronted him after feeling like playing a charade for a year and said I want an open marriage or a divorce. He was in agreement. The open marriage thing lasted less than a month as he didn't like me doing what he was doing.
I signed a lease to an apartment and when home to tell him. Only thing he said was he thought we were going to go slow on this and that was he on the hook for my rent. I ended up having to show him a budget that yes he would be just fine. I moved out a month later. We told our young daughter. It's been hard on her but she's somewhat comfortable with it now 3 1/2 years later. ALthought she does ask me if he had been nice to me and cared for me and asked me to marry him again, would I say yes. I didn't answer but my head said - hell no! It's been a long road but its the best thing I could do for myself and him - to walk away from abuse that was not going to stop, but only get worse. Peace of mind was worth every penny, wrinkle, and tear. |
Anonymous
| Absent abuse or infidelity from the other spouse, the person initiating the separation or divorce should leave the house. |
Anonymous
| It's not that simple, PP. People don't always do what they should. My abusive and addicted ex refused, so I had to move out. I ultimately got the house in the settlement. Every once in awhile he complains about how small his new house is, which is when I remind him he could get a bigger house if he sold the weekend place, which is what he kept out of our joint real estate. |
Anonymous
| First marriage I told him, he cried and begged me not to, then he signed papers and we were done. Second marriage I told him during couples counseling. He hit the roof and was horrible to me for months and then begged me not to leave after he'd already told my boss, our priest and a colleague that I am an "alcoholic whore." Both true in certain contexts but we divorced cause he likes to take it up the ass from men, doesn't like women, wouldn't work but put our kids in daycare from 7a-6:30 every day while he went to movies and napped and I came home from an 11-12-hour day to dishes, dinner to cook, laundry to do, etc. Drank over the sexless marriage thing and it became a problem with time. He asked for a hall pass but wouldn't give me one so I finally took it anyway. Things aren't always as they seem and spouses don't always react like we imagine they will. |
Anonymous
| I secretly sought out a divorce lawyer and waited while I hid money on my personal accounts then when he was at work I emptied about 100K out of the savings account and I went out of town for the weekend and sent a process server to his work. He wasn't expecting it. My attorney said it was best to have complete surprise in order to prevent him from getting prepared himself. |
Anonymous
| How did you all know it was over and time to call it a day? I'm struggling with this now. We have 2 kids and there's no abuse or cheating. Just general unhappiness. How do you when it's time to walk away? |
Anonymous
Do not walk away until you have busted your ass to work on it with therapy both couples and individual. Don't try bi weekly therapy and say you tried. Change yourself. Be who you want your spouse to be. Work. Don't just complain. |
Anonymous
I knew for a long time, but what spurred us into action was seeing DS's face while we were fighting. He was TERRIFIED. And we just couldn't stop. We got space and are able to be good friends now. It lowered the stress levels for everyone in the family once we split up. |
Anonymous
and when you do that and nothing changes on the other's end, how do you cope? what is next? my spouse and i are at this point, and i am committing to be vulnerable and the best spouse i can be. it's hard to not expect things to stay the same, and how to deal with that sense of rejection if it does. |
Anonymous
Try to be optimistic in the meantime PP, and stay out of threads like this. Focus on more positive things. You guys are not there at this point today, and hopefully you never will be. Take it day by day. The work is hard enough without reading things like this. I'm taking this advice too BTW. |
Anonymous
That is when you walk away: when you have done everything you feel you can, and things have not changed enough, and you realize that they aren't going to change, then you know. At least, that's when I knew. I knew for a long time - probably 3 years - that I was going to exit the marriage. I knew - as in, talked to a lawyer, made very specific plans and started implementing the plan - for two years before I told her. Yes, lots of counseling. People like the first quoted PP above basically think everyone should completely destroy themselves "for the children" as if somehow the children will be happier because their parents stay together, even if they can't stand each other and live in depressed misery. Personally, I think most of those people are either the children of divorces still trying to heal the wound, or more often, jilted (and heartbroken) spouses who want to use the children for leverage to manipulate someone into staying, because they can't handle the ego blow and rejection - they say it's for the kid's sake, but it's really for their own sake. What I believe is true is that it is an emotional wound for children when their parent's marriage goes bad, but staying in the same house and staying legally married doesn't make the marriage "good". I am the child of divorce, and just like my parents, I dragged on a good 7-10 years longer in a marriage that was terminally broken. Fortunately, my ex-wife and I didn't have the kind of volatile angry fights that my parents did, and we didn't have children. OP: please consider the "Sunken Cost" fallacy. Please also recognize that we can't make - it's unfair to expect - people to change. They are who they are - either love them as they are or don't (that's up to you) but be realistic about how much your counseling fixes rely on someone "changing". I think couples counseling can be extraordinarily useful when problems can be addressed by changing partner's perceptions and framing of issues, but I think it's of very limited value if you expect that the counselor will just "tell him|her to get some ambition"...or whatever it is that's bothering you. |