Reply to Those who initiated divorce or separation, how did you do it?

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Reply to "Those who initiated divorce or separation, how did you do it?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do not  walk away until you have busted your ass to work on it with therapy both couples and individual.  Don't try bi weekly therapy and say you tried.  Change yourself.  Be who you want your spouse to be.  Work. Don't just complain.  [/quote]

and when you do that and nothing changes on the other's end, how do you cope?  what is next?

[/quote]

That is when you walk away: when you have done everything you feel you can, and things have not changed enough, and you realize that they aren't going to change, then you know.  At least, that's when I knew.  I knew for a long time - probably 3 years - that I was going to exit the marriage.  I knew - as in, talked to a lawyer, made very specific plans and started implementing the plan - for two years before I told her.   Yes, lots of counseling.

People like the first quoted PP above basically think everyone should completely destroy themselves "for the children" as if somehow the children will be happier because their parents stay together, even if they can't stand each other and live in depressed misery.  Personally, I think most of those people are either the children of divorces still trying to heal the wound, or more often, jilted (and heartbroken) spouses who want to use the children for leverage to manipulate someone into staying, because they can't handle the ego blow and rejection - they say it's for the kid's sake, but it's really for their own sake.

What I believe is true is that it is an emotional wound for children when their parent's marriage goes bad, but staying in the same house and staying legally married doesn't make the marriage "good".

I am the child of divorce, and just like my parents, I dragged on a good 7-10 years longer in a marriage that was terminally broken.  Fortunately, my ex-wife and I didn't have the kind of volatile angry fights that my parents did, and we didn't have children.  OP: please consider the "Sunken Cost" fallacy.  Please also recognize that we can't make - it's unfair to expect - people to change.  They are who they are - either love them as they are or don't (that's up to you) but be realistic about how much your counseling fixes rely on someone "changing".  I think couples counseling can be extraordinarily useful when problems can be addressed by changing partner's perceptions and framing of issues, but I think it's of very limited value if you expect that the counselor will just "tell him|her to get some ambition"...or whatever it is that's bothering you.  [/quote]

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