Encouraging different behavior in gift giving

[Anonymous]

Ok, I know that to some degree the answer to this is just "be grateful" or "say thank you and then get rid of it," but in case anyone has other ideas, thought I'd throw this question out there:

Has anyone had luck changing the gift-giving behavior of family (without being tacky, rude, or seeming ungrateful)?

The situation is this: we are expecting our first child, and have pretty clear opinions on what we want our child to play with/wear/eat/etc. For example, we have a Greenguard-certified crib, an organic crib mattress and I plan on doing organic crib bedding (for those of you who say it's a waste... that's fine, but I'm happy to spend money on it even if it's only purpose is to make me feel better about things/not interested in fighting about the relative value of organic cotton).

MIL recently saw our nursery via Facetime and immediately started talking about the things she could buy for it/give to us-- including large things that won't fit in the nursery (or things that don't work with our current setup/priorities). I'm happy to smile, accept things, and then get rid of them, but I really would love to avoid having to do that for the rest of the child's life. (I know we don't see eye to eye on clothing or toys either). SIL gets around this by having toys that 'stay at grandma's"-- but they are local to the IL's and we are not, which means we only go to their house once a year or so, and leaving toys there for the kids doesn't really make sense.

It seems like a huge waste to have her give gifts we won't use, and I don't want to insult her when she figures out we aren't using stuff, but I also don't want to be a bad gift receiver. Anyone else have luck casually getting people to buy things that are more in line with their own priorities for their family (e.g. creative toys like blocks/legos/wooden trains vs. things with batteries that make noise and break quickly?)

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP but there really isn't a polite way of rejecting others gifts because you think they are tacky. Try to think of it from your MIL's perspective and think if you were the MIL. How would you feel if you were excited about giving to your grandchild a gift and then it was returned to you with a "no, thanks but this toy doesn't fit our style?" Who knows that very toy you hate may be the one your child loves.

Have no real advice since it is nice problem to have ( people caring enough for you that they want to give you stuff) but understand if you push back you might cause a family backlash.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP - there really isn't a way to do this. My mom is the "offender". It has taken years, but she has realized that we can't/don't use all of the stuff she buys. She has cut WAY back, bit still buys unnecessary stuff that we can't use.

We use what we can/want to, and then donate the rest.

[Anonymous]

I would have enough humility and an open mind that maybe something you didn't think of will be something your child will enjoy, or a special something your child will remember being in their room from the time they were little "from Grandma", or something your 3 year old daughter will wear every day.

No snark intended, but no child will lovingly remember their organic crib mattress, but the stuffed bunny (yes the hideous pink one that had a garish dress on) may become a sweet memento and treasured gift.

Also, there is no way to do what you are asking. I have been on the receiving end of this (not me singled out, but various sisters, cousins, SIL's) and no matter how it is done, it comes off as ungrateful, controlling and "I know sooooo much more than you", and ridiculous.
Can't be done

[Anonymous]

You sound very selfish. Its ok to say something is too big but to refuse everything as it doesn't fit into your "green" and though process is very strange.

[Anonymous]

You can always try a gentle hint about things that you do like. Beyond that, I agree with the pps...keep what works and give away the rest (or return it if practical).

[Anonymous]

Relax, OP. You can't and shouldn't try to control every little thing your child comes in contact with. I have family members like this and it definitely comes across as controlling and ungrateful. For me, I think it's more important to have a good, easy relationship with your aunt/grandparents, etc. than to keep my kids from having a toy that I'm not wild about.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends a lot on the cost of the item.

If it's something really expensive, it's okay (and good) to try to set the precedent of consulting with you about your preferences. I know my MIL is the type who would buy whatever large item looked nice and was available for a good price at Costco, but that generally wouldn't work for us. For example, I am very short and have back problems, so we "test drove" several strollers before picking the right one for us. Even on sale, I would hate if my MIL had spent money on a stroller that we ended up donating or returning. This is something your DH can sort of hint at early...maybe by saying things about how your space is configured in such a way that you have to do a lot of research before you buy things or even just flat out saying you guys are being picky/particular etc. I would not directly approach your MIL about this sort of thing unless you have a fantastic relationship with her.

For smaller items, I would let it go. You may get a lot of loud, battery-operated toys. I guarantee your kids will like them, probably better than the wooden educational ones you buy. Just keep a few, and pull the batteries out if they drive you bonkers. Keep any clothes you receive from your MIL, and make sure your baby wears them around her.

And always smile and say thank you. My sister's kids still received the craziest things from her DH's mom (usually totally inappropriate for their age and if clothes several sizes too small)...but she takes a picture and says thank you before donating. Some people are good gift givers, others aren't. My parents are lazy givers, which means they usually just tell me a budget and to pick something and have it reimbursed. It takes the surprise away, but at least for my kids I know I can get them what they want.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had a solution, as I have similar values and dislike having people spend money on things we won't use. I try to purchase eco-friendly products whenever possible and prefer to have fewer high-quality items instead of lots of things that will break and end up in a landfill, and I would like to pass those values on to my children. However, with multiple grandparents who love nothing more than buying things for their first grandchild, that hasn't always been possible. The one thing that somewhat works is mentioning the types of things we like to buy, like "We try to buy wooden toys whenever possible." Also, in my family, we always make wish lists for birthdays/holidays, which helps somewhat. When my son was young, I would just return or donate anything that I really didn't want him to have -- loud electronic toys, for instance. That's a little trickier once they reach a certain age, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP but there really isn't a polite way of rejecting others gifts because you think they are tacky. Try to think of it from your MIL's perspective and think if you were the MIL. How would you feel if you were excited about giving to your grandchild a gift and then it was returned to you with a "no, thanks but this toy doesn't fit our style?" Who knows that very toy you hate may be the one your child loves.

I'm going to object to the "think of it from your MIL's perspective...." MIL initiated action (giving the gift). OP must react (accepting the gift). Why does OP have to take MIL's perspective into account, but MIL doesn't have to take OP's perspective into account? Why can't MIL think to herself, "hmmm, my DIL sure seems to be into chemical-free items. Even though this lead paint covered tea set looks just like the one that I had as a toddler, and it makes me feel good to reminisce about my youth, and therefore I am feeling this impulse to buy it so that I can spend 25 minutes talking about myself the next time I see DIL and DS, perhaps I should set aside my own gratification and instead focus on what the recipient would find gratifying, the recipient being my sentient DIL and DS and not their newborn who won't remember any of this."

OP, you said that you were concerned about the waste. Try to imagine it differently -- the gift giver is not giving you something at all. If she was, she would be consulting with you or asking some questions or trying very hard to get you something that you will appreciate. Instead, something else is motivating this activity, and it's not you. So, don't worry about the waste if you chuck it in the trash or give it away immediately, because the gift giver apparently received something gratifying from this for herself. That is the utility function. Maybe looking at it this way can lower the burden on you to turn a bad gift into something of value to you (or the guilt you feel if you don't).

[Anonymous]

OP. you are going to have a difficult life and I feel sorry for all concerned. Control freaks make terrible spouses and parents.

[Anonymous]

Sort of what a pp mentioned for big and/or expensive gifts somehow my DH got his parents to consult us first. We have a space issue since we have a small house. Also, they are pretty good about checking if there is something we have said absolutely not to the kids like heelys or the 3rd American Girl doll.

[Anonymous]

This is your first child - RELAX a bit!!

[Anonymous]

Create an Amazon wish list and populate it with the kinds of things you like. But one thing to remember is that the baby will partly belong to all of your family members, not just you and your spouse. It can be frustrating to get gifts you don't like, but maybe you can compromise and occasionally say yes or suggest something you know your MIL would like to buy.

[Anonymous]

I was exactly like you. In fact, I skipped all the baby showers I was offered because I knew I was too controlling to accept random gifts. Now DC loves all the horrible tacky shit my inlaws pick out. It makes me a little crazy but what can you do. The only battle I still fight is big bulky crap. We literally don't have the sq ft.