Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

One of the main reasons I was grateful to sahm is that I could encourage much more risk from a young age. If I were a nanny I would never feel comfortable allowing so much intense climbing, exploring out of my sight, etc. It always made me nervous but I think it’s one of the best things I did and I wish I’d had that as a kid so I could be more confident in my body.

The nannies I knew were caring and committed but their charges weren’t allowed to play with sticks, jump from rocks or even go into the sandbox half the time. Most were borderline hypochondriacs and passed that to the kids. I can only imagine the level of control in a daycare setting with high ratios. It’s not good for kids when the constant message is “be careful” and everything is padded for your protection.

I would never say this to a wohm friend since it’s rude and there’s no point. But there are many areas like this where a sahp can make a difference.

[Anonymous]

When you’re a long term sahm you get to really see what nannies and daycare workers are like (when the kids visit the playgrounds) day in and day out. As the years pass you’ve just seen so much—mostly benign but also lots of unfortunate interactions and many amazing ones—that it’s hard to ever be truly candid with parents who drop into that world on occasion. You know what they don’t know and what they’ve missed on a granular level.

I’m sure wohp’s have their own collection of anecdotes about sahms who let themselves go or over-curate kids’ lives. Or lose their money or are aimless once kids hit K.

Ime it’s a real chasm. Socially skilled women who otherwise have a lot in common can sometimes bridge the gap, and Covid helped both sides see each other more.

[Anonymous]

Dcum has always been heavily tilted towards SAHMs (they are now called tradwives), as this thread exemplifies. I wonder why that is. Do most upper class white women in this area stay at home, and so this board is a genuine reflection of that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

I don't ask this question of people. If it came up somehow, though, I would expect a person to say something along the lines of "I take care of my kids and our household" or something similar. When asked in a social setting, I say something vague about working in tech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed home with my kids until they were in full day kindergarten because I literally am and was the absolute best person in the world to raise them through those most critical years of birth to five. My husband, who fully supported that choice, is the second best person and he wanted to do it too but since he made more money than me he worked instead and spent a whole lot of time with them in the evenings and on weekends.

I don't use this line or info to judge other people's choices but it still is the complete truth for me and my family.

So would you say that you raised your kids, and your husband didn't? Or in your mind can parents who "worked instead and spent a whole lot of time with them in the evenings and on weekends" also be said to be "raising" their kids?

I was the one raising them most of the time obviously but he was very involved. Also, when it was time for them to go to a preschool or elementary school a whole hell of a lot of thought, research and discussion went into what schools they would attend since those people would also then be involved in raising our kids. However, we did not have our kids in daycare at any point because we were not comfortable with that level of child raising for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you’re a long term sahm you get to really see what nannies and daycare workers are like (when the kids visit the playgrounds) day in and day out. As the years pass you’ve just seen so much—mostly benign but also lots of unfortunate interactions and many amazing ones—that it’s hard to ever be truly candid with parents who drop into that world on occasion. You know what they don’t know and what they’ve missed on a granular level.

I’m sure wohp’s have their own collection of anecdotes about sahms who let themselves go or over-curate kids’ lives. Or lose their money or are aimless once kids hit K.

Ime it’s a real chasm. Socially skilled women who otherwise have a lot in common can sometimes bridge the gap, and Covid helped both sides see each other more.

I WOH and have SAHM friends and it's fine, probably because none of us assume what the other "doesn't know and what they have missed". We understand we're each different people and have different families that need different things. I spend zero time in this sort of schadenfreude that you specifically (not all SAHMs, IME) seem to live in. I think it's great when someone can stay home with their young kids and find it fulfilling and I respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed home with my kids until they were in full day kindergarten because I literally am and was the absolute best person in the world to raise them through those most critical years of birth to five. My husband, who fully supported that choice, is the second best person and he wanted to do it too but since he made more money than me he worked instead and spent a whole lot of time with them in the evenings and on weekends.

I don't use this line or info to judge other people's choices but it still is the complete truth for me and my family.

So would you say that you raised your kids, and your husband didn't? Or in your mind can parents who "worked instead and spent a whole lot of time with them in the evenings and on weekends" also be said to be "raising" their kids?

I was the one raising them most of the time obviously but he was very involved. Also, when it was time for them to go to a preschool or elementary school a whole hell of a lot of thought, research and discussion went into what schools they would attend since those people would also then be involved in raising our kids. However, we did not have our kids in daycare at any point because we were not comfortable with that level of child raising for our kids.

So I hope you get that working parents are also raising their own kids? Like if you think we're not, it's not that that's offensive to us. It's just preposterous and makes you seem insecure and ignorant.

Also the notion that working parents are just throwing their kids into whatever daycare. Only you are being thoughtful about preschool. Like seriously? Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

“I stay at home with my kids.”

Why is this a complicated question?

I feel like SAHMs make things super complicated, maybe because they are out of practice in planning and executing complex things. A week’s worth of dinners can’t get cooked without 5 harried trips to the grocery store…

So you get offended that a stay at home mom says she stayed home so her kid didn’t have to be raised by strangers in the early years - probably saying that your chosen community of your daycare was super intentional - and then you go and put down women who choose to stay home with their young children? It’s actually really hard to provide full time care to young children well every day. It’s emotionally and physically and intellectually taxing. And what your comment tells me is that you actually didn’t care about the likely brown and black underpaid women watching your children every day while you worked (your “community”). It tells me you thought the work of taking care of children, including your own child, was beneath you. I’m a full time working mom and I have a ton of respect for the people who provide care to my three children between the ages of 1 and 5 every day and maybe that’s why I’m standing up for stay at home moms. Because it’s hard work and I respect it and I respect them and their decisions.

Posts like this are so bizarre to me. The first nanny we hired worked for us for 7.5 years and grew up 10 minutes from our house. (She also happened to be white, though I'm not.) We must have paid her okay, since she managed to buy a house during that time period.

We are still in touch with her, and I have nothing but respect for her abilities and her intelligence. I'm good at my job, and I think I'm a pretty good parent. But I'm bad at managing a household and some of the day-to-day of childcare. I hire people who are better than me at this. And if DH said this, no one would bat an eye.

[Anonymous]

I don't care because I assume most people have good intentions and don't mean to offend others. And if they are the sort of people who are unkind and do intend to offend others with their comments, I still don't care. In fact I care even less about this latter group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the main reasons I was grateful to sahm is that I could encourage much more risk from a young age. If I were a nanny I would never feel comfortable allowing so much intense climbing, exploring out of my sight, etc. It always made me nervous but I think it’s one of the best things I did and I wish I’d had that as a kid so I could be more confident in my body.

The nannies I knew were caring and committed but their charges weren’t allowed to play with sticks, jump from rocks or even go into the sandbox half the time. Most were borderline hypochondriacs and passed that to the kids. I can only imagine the level of control in a daycare setting with high ratios. It’s not good for kids when the constant message is “be careful” and everything is padded for your protection.

I would never say this to a wohm friend since it’s rude and there’s no point. But there are many areas like this where a sahp can make a difference.

Interesting take. I’m a SAHM and I find kids with nannies often take more risks (at the playground at least) because the nannies often aren’t paying close attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

“I stay at home with my kids.”

Why is this a complicated question?

I feel like SAHMs make things super complicated, maybe because they are out of practice in planning and executing complex things. A week’s worth of dinners can’t get cooked without 5 harried trips to the grocery store…

So you get offended that a stay at home mom says she stayed home so her kid didn’t have to be raised by strangers in the early years - probably saying that your chosen community of your daycare was super intentional - and then you go and put down women who choose to stay home with their young children? It’s actually really hard to provide full time care to young children well every day. It’s emotionally and physically and intellectually taxing. And what your comment tells me is that you actually didn’t care about the likely brown and black underpaid women watching your children every day while you worked (your “community”). It tells me you thought the work of taking care of children, including your own child, was beneath you. I’m a full time working mom and I have a ton of respect for the people who provide care to my three children between the ages of 1 and 5 every day and maybe that’s why I’m standing up for stay at home moms. Because it’s hard work and I respect it and I respect them and their decisions.

Posts like this are so bizarre to me. The first nanny we hired worked for us for 7.5 years and grew up 10 minutes from our house. (She also happened to be white, though I'm not.) We must have paid her okay, since she managed to buy a house during that time period.

We are still in touch with her, and I have nothing but respect for her abilities and her intelligence. I'm good at my job, and I think I'm a pretty good parent. But I'm bad at managing a household and some of the day-to-day of childcare. I hire people who are better than me at this. And if DH said this, no one would bat an eye.

Are you the PP who wrote that SAHMs are out of practice planning and executing complex things? If so, I can see why you would think it’s bizarre that I responded in the way I did. Someone who has no respect for a parent taking care of their children all day (ie not planning and executing complex things) has no respect for anyone taking care of children all day. You can pretend to spin this in any way that you want but what this PP (I’m assuming you) said was really ugly. It says so much about you. And just because you supposedly paid your nanny well does not mean you respected her (yes, I’m sure her entire down payment was from her weekly paycheck conveniently from you! Look at you! Saving someone who can’t execute complex tasks). Your example is the equivalent of saying they aren’t racist because you employ a nanny who is Guyanese.

The silver lining here is that your nanny probably spent as much if not more time with your kids when they were young and since she’s probably a way better human they you are that least your kids have a fighting chance, assuming nurture over nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

Yes it’s rude and said to be deliberately hurtful. I stayed at home but not ready on purpose, and I envy moms who got to work and had great childcare. Honestly they all seem happier and less burnt out because parenting requires balance. Just ignore anyone using this phrasing.

The only working moms I envied were those whose children were watching by a local doting grandparent. But that was not my situation, so I stayed home. Yes we are less wealthy than we'd be if I worked, but we are doing just fine and I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

I was also a reluctant sahm and yes I am very envious of people with local grandparents who dote and help out to make that balance easier even if they used childcare as well. People with really phenomenal nannies were a close second.

But I also viewed myself as fortunate in some ways to be able to sahm. I never envied people who had kids in daycare for long days or who had to cycle through a bunch of mediocre nannies or nanny shares. Staying home was a compromise for me but it was the right one -- staying in my job also would have been a compromise and the rewards would have been smaller. At least I got to spend more time with my kids and our family life was less stressful. Additional money would have been nice but the costs of childcare would have mitigated this and I also would have been miserable.

People how have access to excellent high-quality childcare have it made. I really don't think they realize how fortunate they are and how this opens up a world of opportunities for the whole family because it allows so much to be a true choice.

I agree with you. I realize how fortunate I am but I probably don’t say it enough (to my parents and to our longtime nanny). And fortunate that my work is flexible about hours and facetime. If any of those things weren’t true I would have sacrificed my career long ago and would probably have been a much more unhappy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed home with my kids until they were in full day kindergarten because I literally am and was the absolute best person in the world to raise them through those most critical years of birth to five. My husband, who fully supported that choice, is the second best person and he wanted to do it too but since he made more money than me he worked instead and spent a whole lot of time with them in the evenings and on weekends.

I don't use this line or info to judge other people's choices but it still is the complete truth for me and my family.

So would you say that you raised your kids, and your husband didn't? Or in your mind can parents who "worked instead and spent a whole lot of time with them in the evenings and on weekends" also be said to be "raising" their kids?

I was the one raising them most of the time obviously but he was very involved. Also, when it was time for them to go to a preschool or elementary school a whole hell of a lot of thought, research and discussion went into what schools they would attend since those people would also then be involved in raising our kids. However, we did not have our kids in daycare at any point because we were not comfortable with that level of child raising for our kids.

So I hope you get that working parents are also raising their own kids? Like if you think we're not, it's not that that's offensive to us. It's just preposterous and makes you seem insecure and ignorant.

Also the notion that working parents are just throwing their kids into whatever daycare. Only you are being thoughtful about preschool. Like seriously? Lol

Why are you trying to argue with someone who is probably not able to think very logically or analytically?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

“I stay at home with my kids.”

Why is this a complicated question?

I feel like SAHMs make things super complicated, maybe because they are out of practice in planning and executing complex things. A week’s worth of dinners can’t get cooked without 5 harried trips to the grocery store…

So you get offended that a stay at home mom says she stayed home so her kid didn’t have to be raised by strangers in the early years - probably saying that your chosen community of your daycare was super intentional - and then you go and put down women who choose to stay home with their young children? It’s actually really hard to provide full time care to young children well every day. It’s emotionally and physically and intellectually taxing. And what your comment tells me is that you actually didn’t care about the likely brown and black underpaid women watching your children every day while you worked (your “community”). It tells me you thought the work of taking care of children, including your own child, was beneath you. I’m a full time working mom and I have a ton of respect for the people who provide care to my three children between the ages of 1 and 5 every day and maybe that’s why I’m standing up for stay at home moms. Because it’s hard work and I respect it and I respect them and their decisions.

Posts like this are so bizarre to me. The first nanny we hired worked for us for 7.5 years and grew up 10 minutes from our house. (She also happened to be white, though I'm not.) We must have paid her okay, since she managed to buy a house during that time period.

We are still in touch with her, and I have nothing but respect for her abilities and her intelligence. I'm good at my job, and I think I'm a pretty good parent. But I'm bad at managing a household and some of the day-to-day of childcare. I hire people who are better than me at this. And if DH said this, no one would bat an eye.

Are you the PP who wrote that SAHMs are out of practice planning and executing complex things? If so, I can see why you would think it’s bizarre that I responded in the way I did. Someone who has no respect for a parent taking care of their children all day (ie not planning and executing complex things) has no respect for anyone taking care of children all day. You can pretend to spin this in any way that you want but what this PP (I’m assuming you) said was really ugly. It says so much about you. And just because you supposedly paid your nanny well does not mean you respected her (yes, I’m sure her entire down payment was from her weekly paycheck conveniently from you! Look at you! Saving someone who can’t execute complex tasks). Your example is the equivalent of saying they aren’t racist because you employ a nanny who is Guyanese.

The silver lining here is that your nanny probably spent as much if not more time with your kids when they were young and since she’s probably a way better human they you are that least your kids have a fighting chance, assuming nurture over nature.

No that was me. And your word salad kinda proves my point! Anyone who rambles meaninglessly like that cannot plan and execute complex things.

[Anonymous]

The question is nosy and rude. I would not ask a mother, why do you work?

So someone who responds that they don’t want someone else raising their kids is probably being brutally honest. They want to be the ones taking their kids to the playground and taking them on adventures, cooking, teaching, dropping off and picking up their kids, being home when they get off of school, spending summers enjoying their company. They don’t want to outsource any of that.