Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

“I stay at home with my kids.”

Why is this a complicated question?

I feel like SAHMs make things super complicated, maybe because they are out of practice in planning and executing complex things. A week’s worth of dinners can’t get cooked without 5 harried trips to the grocery store…

So you get offended that a stay at home mom says she stayed home so her kid didn’t have to be raised by strangers in the early years - probably saying that your chosen community of your daycare was super intentional - and then you go and put down women who choose to stay home with their young children? It’s actually really hard to provide full time care to young children well every day. It’s emotionally and physically and intellectually taxing. And what your comment tells me is that you actually didn’t care about the likely brown and black underpaid women watching your children every day while you worked (your “community”). It tells me you thought the work of taking care of children, including your own child, was beneath you. I’m a full time working mom and I have a ton of respect for the people who provide care to my three children between the ages of 1 and 5 every day and maybe that’s why I’m standing up for stay at home moms. Because it’s hard work and I respect it and I respect them and their decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

“I stay at home with my kids.”

Why is this a complicated question?

My kids are 16 and 13. Does that change your answer?

No, and I still just don’t understand why this is complicated. It’s the answer to the question. If someone is rude in response, that’s on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

“I stay at home with my kids.”

Why is this a complicated question?

I feel like SAHMs make things super complicated, maybe because they are out of practice in planning and executing complex things. A week’s worth of dinners can’t get cooked without 5 harried trips to the grocery store…

So you get offended that a stay at home mom says she stayed home so her kid didn’t have to be raised by strangers in the early years - probably saying that your chosen community of your daycare was super intentional - and then you go and put down women who choose to stay home with their young children? It’s actually really hard to provide full time care to young children well every day. It’s emotionally and physically and intellectually taxing. And what your comment tells me is that you actually didn’t care about the likely brown and black underpaid women watching your children every day while you worked (your “community”). It tells me you thought the work of taking care of children, including your own child, was beneath you. I’m a full time working mom and I have a ton of respect for the people who provide care to my three children between the ages of 1 and 5 every day and maybe that’s why I’m standing up for stay at home moms. Because it’s hard work and I respect it and I respect them and their decisions.

And feminism is not trashing women who make different childcare decisions than you FYI.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and I would never say that to a working mom. That’s extremely rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

“I stay at home with my kids.”

Why is this a complicated question?

My kids are 16 and 13. Does that change your answer?

DP but what do you do all day? Answer with that!

1-2 hours of errands and housework and otherwise I do anything I want. I read a lot of news and books. But you don’t want to hear all of that.

[Anonymous]

No, I think they are ignorant. I guess they have to home-school lest be "raised" by others.

[Anonymous]

I got this when my kids were young, even though I built my own business so they'd only have to go to daycare three half-days and I was always there to get them at 3pm during elementary years. And the comment came from my SIL whose idea of being a SAHM was to plunk them in front of screens while she talked on the phone. I was offended at the time but now I would just laugh. Her kids turned out OK, I guess? Bumpy teen years involved drugs, failing out of school, etc. Also, this is a hideously sexist comment because it's always directed at women. Imagine saying this to a male colleague..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

Yes it’s rude and said to be deliberately hurtful. I stayed at home but not ready on purpose, and I envy moms who got to work and had great childcare. Honestly they all seem happier and less burnt out because parenting requires balance. Just ignore anyone using this phrasing.

The only working moms I envied were those whose children were watching by a local doting grandparent. But that was not my situation, so I stayed home. Yes we are less wealthy than we'd be if I worked, but we are doing just fine and I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

I was also a reluctant sahm and yes I am very envious of people with local grandparents who dote and help out to make that balance easier even if they used childcare as well. People with really phenomenal nannies were a close second.

But I also viewed myself as fortunate in some ways to be able to sahm. I never envied people who had kids in daycare for long days or who had to cycle through a bunch of mediocre nannies or nanny shares. Staying home was a compromise for me but it was the right one -- staying in my job also would have been a compromise and the rewards would have been smaller. At least I got to spend more time with my kids and our family life was less stressful. Additional money would have been nice but the costs of childcare would have mitigated this and I also would have been miserable.

People how have access to excellent high-quality childcare have it made. I really don't think they realize how fortunate they are and how this opens up a world of opportunities for the whole family because it allows so much to be a true choice.

[Anonymous]

It’s an insensitive thing to say. Say you wanted to spend more time of your day with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s an insensitive thing to say. Say you wanted to spend more time of your day with the kids.

No one says it in real life anyway. The whole OP is made up based on things people say on anonymous message boards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we shift this a little? SAHMs, why are you so embarrassed about being a SAHM? Why are you ashamed to say "I don't work"? Why do you feel like you need to say "I'm the CEO of my household", "I am caregiver to my children", etc.? It's FINE that you don't work. It's just a choice that you made. You don't need to justify it. Just like I don't need to justify to you why I work.

I don’t know any SAHM who talks like that. When my kids were little I said “I stay home with the kids.” Once they hit middle school, I changed it to “I don’t work.” I’m not remotely embarrassed. If anything I’m a little self conscious that we are living just as nice a life as our neighbors on one income instead of two.

Yeah, who says they are ceo of their household? I have only seen that on facebook when a mom write CEO of Adam’s Family or something like that. I have literally never heard anyone say that.

I usually say I don’t work or I stay home with my kids. I have heard others say that they are retired or semi retired.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home with my kids until they were in full day kindergarten because I literally am and was the absolute best person in the world to raise them through those most critical years of birth to five. My husband, who fully supported that choice, is the second best person and he wanted to do it too but since he made more money than me he worked instead and spent a whole lot of time with them in the evenings and on weekends.

I don't use this line or info to judge other people's choices but it still is the complete truth for me and my family.

[Anonymous]

You all do realize that parents who care for their kids are doing the work of taking care of those kids, right? The kids need to be taken care of somehow, whether by their parents or by someone the parents pay to do the job.

So, parents at home might not have a job with a paycheck, but they are doing valuable work. No reason to say that they aren’t “working.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed home with my kids until they were in full day kindergarten because I literally am and was the absolute best person in the world to raise them through those most critical years of birth to five. My husband, who fully supported that choice, is the second best person and he wanted to do it too but since he made more money than me he worked instead and spent a whole lot of time with them in the evenings and on weekends.

I don't use this line or info to judge other people's choices but it still is the complete truth for me and my family.

So would you say that you raised your kids, and your husband didn't? Or in your mind can parents who "worked instead and spent a whole lot of time with them in the evenings and on weekends" also be said to be "raising" their kids?

[Anonymous]

Research will continue to illuminate what “raising” actually means. Dcum thinks it’s all about school selection and sports development and enriching activities.

But neuroscience is showing that what matters 0-5 is to avoid trauma and excess stress/chaos while wiring for connection and consistency. Not attachment parenting but definitely significant presence of a primary caregiver.