If you got engaged after living together for a long time

[Anonymous]

Fiancé (okay, that feels weird) and I have been together for 12 years, living together for 11. We've been through the kinds of good times and bad times that normal couples go through- loss of a business, moving cross country, new careers, etc. We have an excellent relationship and have just always considered each other to be "our" nuclear family.

Christmas Eve (culturally, Christmas for both of us), he completely surprised me by proposing. Of course, I said yes.

The weird part is I'm not that excited. It's exciting, yes, but I wasn't going anywhere after 12 years anyway. It's nice to know that we will have legal framework to protect both of us, but somehow I just feel like it's so anticlimactic and almost moot at this point.,

When he told his mom, she called me crying with congratulations. I just felt awkward. I mean.. I've been around basically forever, right? She's talking wedding and grandchildren now and it just feels... Weird.

I'm seeing everyone posting new engagements on FB (not a good gauge for social behaviour, I understand), but I don't even know how to tell anyone, or even if I want to.

I really just want to go to the courthouse or Vegas, have a nice, private wedding and just move along. I will be so proud / happy to be Mrs. X (although I'll probably keep my name), but I haven't ever felt like I wasn't already (and yes, I know there's a difference, but in some relationships there isn't).

Part of me feels like I should be bursting with happiness... But it's just a strange kind of contentment and wanting to keep this moment private.

Anyone with long term relationships who have gotten engaged (still sounds weird) experience the same kind of thing?

We're both 40ish, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

My first marriage was under those circumstances, though I was late 20s. I felt like getting married wouldn't change much and it was hard to drum up enthusiasm for fabric samples and frosting flavors.

This time, my fiancé proposed, then moved in. We're getting married next fall. I'm much more excited about this wedding though it is smaller and simpler on purpose.

[Anonymous]

OP for all intents and purposes, you ARE married.

So there is nothing to get that excited about.

Maybe you'll get more excited nearer the time.

or maybe you won't...

[Anonymous]

I also find the whole "proposal" thing weird, like a woman has no say in her future and it is up to a man to create it.

[Anonymous]

You sound normal to me, OP, but I tend to think the same. I agree that you're practically already married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP for all intents and purposes, you ARE married.

So there is nothing to get that excited about.

Maybe you'll get more excited nearer the time.

or maybe you won't...

Thanks for this. and we are.. So I don't understand why the people we are telling are so excited.

And other PP! You made me laugh. There will be no frosting samples. Seriously, we are low key at best (even had this happened 10 years ago). When the wedding happens (which is hard enough to wrap my head around), it will be something small and quirky. I'm excited, but after 12 years, the only thing that *may* change is my name. There is so much love in this house already.

I appreciate the responses though..I keep feeling (from the few people we've told), that I should be performing a series of jazz hands down the street. I'm happy, but it's different than I expected, somehow. But, I also don't live my life through social media, so need no one else's reaction

[Anonymous]

It would be rude for people to not act excited for you. Just keep it low key and do your own thing, and be honest: you're excited to be Mrs. X but you already feel married so you're going to do something small and private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be rude for people to not act excited for you. Just keep it low key and do your own thing, and be honest: you're excited to be Mrs. X but you already feel married so you're going to do something small and private.

True. But announcing it seems odd after all this time. I think it will ONLY be family and our extremely close circle that we even tell. Same with any "wedding". It may just be us, and a couple as witnesses. I just don't know how to address his parents. My family is a little less "tradional" about this sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also find the whole "proposal" thing weird, like a woman has no say in her future and it is up to a man to create it.

Lolwat

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP people are probably excited because it's been odd to them that you dated and lived together for over a decade acting as a married couple but not being actually married.
We have a similar situation in our family and it's always a kerfufflw on how to address Uncle Bob's girlfriend (IIA Aunr Sue? Just Sue? Miss Sue?), and other nefarious things (only family in family photos, but wait what about Sue? She's basically his wife but then Brian's girlfriend will be left out and it's really not fair but she's REALLY just a girlfriend but Sue somehow seems less girlfriendy and more wifey)

You get my drift. I'm not saying it's right, but my family would be reacting the same way that it's finally officiall!
Congrats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also find the whole "proposal" thing weird, like a woman has no say in her future and it is up to a man to create it.

Lolwat

I don't understand women waiting for a man to ask her to get married. It is weird. If you are "waiting" for a man you are not Ina good situation.

[Anonymous]

We also had a long time together befor getting married, 7 years, living together, grad school, going through family traumas, etc.
I thought the same but actually being married somehow sweetened things. Really, if you knew me you wouldnt believe i am saying this, i am a very no nonsense, get it done, realistic kind of girl.
We did go away to a beach to get married, just a few people. I kind if regret not doing something closer to home with more friends and family, but still low key-never dreamed of the full wedding situation.

One last thought...i did change my name but wish i krpt my own. Nothing against dh, just wish i kept that piece of my dad and my young self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also find the whole "proposal" thing weird, like a woman has no say in her future and it is up to a man to create it.

OP here..I've had a choice all along. It meant I stuck around by choice, and not by legal obligation, or for a shiny ring. I wasn't "waiting" or "pending" this. Our relationship was a choice, each day, which was always cool with me.

No, he didn't pay for me in goats. My family wouldn't have accepted anything less than a cow for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP people are probably excited because it's been odd to them that you dated and lived together for over a decade acting as a married couple but not being actually married.
We have a similar situation in our family and it's always a kerfufflw on how to address Uncle Bob's girlfriend (IIA Aunr Sue? Just Sue? Miss Sue?), and other nefarious things (only family in family photos, but wait what about Sue? She's basically his wife but then Brian's girlfriend will be left out and it's really not fair but she's REALLY just a girlfriend but Sue somehow seems less girlfriendy and more wifey)

You get my drift. I'm not saying it's right, but my family would be reacting the same way that it's finally officiall!
Congrats

Thank you for this; it gave me a laugh. I guess WE feel married. We act married. We met long before BIL and SIL, but have always been treated differently - in his parents mind, there has always been a division because we're not married. They have always included me, but it's been different than SIL who came later, but was betrothed earlier.

(Yea, I know she's not actually SIL, but I've always thought of her that way).

My family is far more dysfunctional, so they've just accepted it in good cheer. Maybe that's why it's so odd to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We also had a long time together befor getting married, 7 years, living together, grad school, going through family traumas, etc.
I thought the same but actually being married somehow sweetened things. Really, if you knew me you wouldnt believe i am saying this, i am a very no nonsense, get it done, realistic kind of girl.
We did go away to a beach to get married, just a few people. I kind if regret not doing something closer to home with more friends and family, but still low key-never dreamed of the full wedding situation.

One last thought...i did change my name but wish i krpt my own. Nothing against dh, just wish i kept that piece of my dad and my young self.

Thank you for this. I'm not "that girl" (clearly) but I'm excited.
My name will probably stay the same professionally, but still not sure what I'll do personally. I'm known in my industry as "me". I don't know if I want to lose that.

For a wedding, I'd like just the folks closest to us. When I say close to home or Vegas, I mean it. We will pay for anyone we want there to come, because they are the true people who have helped this all happen. At the same time, I'm thinking courthouse, but as we're far from loved ones, I already know that won't be a real option, without upsetting the apple cart.