If you got engaged after living together for a long time

[Anonymous]

Maybe your fiancé did it for someone else (like his mother) not for you.

My situation is not like yours, but I'll never forget the very moment I realized that weddings are more for family than the couple. I don't mean as an obligation to your families, but they're the ones who are celebrating your union and it's more about their feelings about it - does that make sense?

For me, it really was just a practical matter - I wanted legal protection should anything happen to either of us - and would have been happy eloping. We almost did while we were on vacation but it was too inconvenient. When I later told some of my family, I was shocked by how upset they were and embarrassed to have felt so selfish about something they wanted to share.

I'm not saying that you're being selfish, just something to think about with your feelings vis a vis everyone else's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also find the whole "proposal" thing weird, like a woman has no say in her future and it is up to a man to create it.

OP here..I've had a choice all along. It meant I stuck around by choice, and not by legal obligation, or for a shiny ring. I wasn't "waiting" or "pending" this. Our relationship was a choice, each day, which was always cool with me.

No, he didn't pay for me in goats. My family wouldn't have accepted anything less than a cow for me.

That is what I am saying. You don't "need" this proposal, that is why it is anti-climatIcal, because you are equal partners.

When it is something a woman has to wait for and the proposal is the time she knows he is committed, I think, you didn't know that already.

[Anonymous]

Q: Was there a reason you never married?

12 years is a long time. You must have discussed marriage at some point, right?

[Anonymous]

Don't bother getting married. It's just a piece of paper in your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't bother getting married. It's just a piece of paper in your situation.

There are still legal benefits, TBH. Anyone just need watch Judge Judy a few times to understand this.

[Anonymous]

What prompted your fiance to propose at this point?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you future MIL suspects that her son proposed because you're pregnant, or are trying for kids, TBH. There is no other reason to be excited about possible grandchildren with a 40ish bride. If you don't see kids in your future, DF probably needs to signal this to his mom before she gets too wound up. Even if you do want kids, he probably wants to shut down the conversation if she brings it up again. Too much pressure to have people staring at your belly and wondering if you are with child. Saying "I know you love the idea of grandkids, but Jill and I aren't sure that we see children in our future," would probably buy you some breathing space on this.

Good luck and congrats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP people are probably excited because it's been odd to them that you dated and lived together for over a decade acting as a married couple but not being actually married.
We have a similar situation in our family and it's always a kerfufflw on how to address Uncle Bob's girlfriend (IIA Aunr Sue? Just Sue? Miss Sue?), and other nefarious things (only family in family photos, but wait what about Sue? She's basically his wife but then Brian's girlfriend will be left out and it's really not fair but she's REALLY just a girlfriend but Sue somehow seems less girlfriendy and more wifey)

You get my drift. I'm not saying it's right, but my family would be reacting the same way that it's finally officiall!
Congrats

My brother married his gf after dating 17 years and cohabitating for 10+. The family photo thing was awkward, but their relationship outlived many marriages documented in those pictures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What prompted your fiance to propose at this point?

I'm wondering this too.

OP, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What prompted your fiance to propose at this point?

I'm wondering this too.

OP, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.

OP here. I've been pondering this all day, also reflecting abut what he's said recently/ what's going on.

I think the reason is twofold : we've been recently discussing the possibility of children. Secondly, it's just the right time for him, in his heart and VERY practical mind. He's finally settled into his career and doing very well. We are settled and He knows I'm not going anywhere, regardless of how tough the circumstances get. I think he feels this is his way of showing me he's not going anywhere either (which I knew already).

And yes, we do have a wonderful relationship.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this. There was some great insight posted here.

[Anonymous]

We didn't live together, but had dated for 8+ years. And no, it wasn't exciting (it was just sort of the next step)...and like the PPs family, our relationship has outlived many.

Also, like your fiancé, my now DH was immediately ready for kids - I was three months pregnant on our first anniversary.

[Anonymous]

If you two are already in your 40s and you want kids, then you need to start trying now...not after a wedding. Honestly, it sounds like you two might not be on the same page. Most couples discuss marriage before getting engaged, and most couples discuss when to start a family. It sounds like he threw you a curveball, and perhaps you two aren't on the same page.

If I were the OP, I'd want to know the following:

1. Why did you propose now?
2. Are you hoping to have a baby?

If he wants a baby, then the OP should be fully on board to start trying now--with the recognition that it might take fertility treatment or ultimately adoption to start a family in your 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you two are already in your 40s and you want kids, then you need to start trying now...not after a wedding. Honestly, it sounds like you two might not be on the same page. Most couples discuss marriage before getting engaged, and most couples discuss when to start a family. It sounds like he threw you a curveball, and perhaps you two aren't on the same page.

If I were the OP, I'd want to know the following:

1. Why did you propose now?
2. Are you hoping to have a baby?

If he wants a baby, then the OP should be fully on board to start trying now--with the recognition that it might take fertility treatment or ultimately adoption to start a family in your 40s.

We had already agreed to forgo birth control first thing in the new year before he proposed. Yes, I had considered he risks of having a baby out of wedlock. I have my own secure career and social network, and had already weighed that for myself.

Again, as I mentioned in my last post, it is truly, finally the right time for him (and I suppose ultimately, us). A lot of couples bank on love getting them through the poor and dark times, and end up divorcing. I think it helped us because each and every day, sticking together was 100% a choice.

That being said, contrary to how many DCUM couples are dealing with the fertility/ age factor, we are dealing with it in our own way - we are simply going to let the chips fall where they do. A child (or two) will be very welcome, but we are also not putting everything on the line or under strain at this point if the universe doesn't deem it a dream to come to fruition. We are under no illusions that my age is an issue, so we are going in with open eyes. Again, I think this has a lot to do with knowing we both had choices the whole way. Our life didn't exactly take the route we had staked out in the start, but I cant regret a moment of that, because it led me here with him.

And as far as a wedding, we're 40. We've been together forever. There will be no pastry or fabric samples in our future... Vegas with Elvis with a few of our friends is sounding about right.

[Anonymous]

But op aren't you frustrated he put you in this position by not wanting to get married until now? Ivf isn't a joke and maybe could have been avoided if you both had decided to marry and have children a few years ago.

[Anonymous]

So what exactly is your problem, OP?
Would you rather she didn't congratulate you or seem indifferent?
You honestly come off as pretentious.
Like you want so badly to be above social norms and this engagement is upsetting your rebellion against society.