Mother interfering with Christmas Day visit of another relative. Help!

[Anonymous]

My elderly mother plans to ask Relative A to drive her to see Relative B on Christmas Day. Relative A is here in the area Christmas Day only. Relative B lives in a nursing home about 2 hours away. My mother sees Relative B once or twice a week. Relative B is unpleasant and was violent to me and a sibling when were children. No one wants to go visit Relative A on any day but my mother. Sometimes we suck it up as a corporal work of mercy, but I have been physically ill and a 5 hour chunk of Christmas Day to see a verbally unpleasant and formally physically abusive relative is not going to put me in the emotional shape my DC need right now. Relative A will not be alone for Christmas. This is a high end nursing facility. They bring in entertainment. There is a fine, catered meal. Relative A has made friends (to whom I suspect much more respect is given than any family member.)

In addition, I think it is very unfair to ask incredibly kind Relative A for a 5 hour chunk of Christmas Day. Relative A has a degree program, a demanding work position, and deserves a relaxing day off. Plus, this is the family's only chance to see Relative A for about 6 months. Relative A "owes" my mother a lot and won't say no. I told my mother she was being inconsiderate to Relative A and others. I suggested she go see Relative B on Christmas Day. She says Relative B "deserves" Christmas Day and insists Relative A is the correct person to ask because Relative B babysat Relative A's mother as a small child!

I am done with my mother. Right now I want to disinvite her from Christmas. I won't because I know that is unChristian and my kids would be devastated. However, I feel like I will be angry seeing her sit in her coat on my sofa impatiently waiting for Relative A to finish eating and drive her to the nursing home. I feel guilty for offering to host Relative B instead of sending two states further away to immediate family, but I didn't know until last night that my mother had this plan. It's too late to divert Relative B.

What can I do?

[Anonymous]

You've mixed up A and B. Try again and tell us who they are

[Anonymous]

Yes, I did. Sorry! I am so angry. I will try to fix.

[Anonymous]

Could you look into an Uber for the trip to the nursing home?

You've mixed up A and B in a couple of places in your post. It would probably be more helpful to just label them by relationship. Great-grandma? Niece? Is your mother paying for the driver's education?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've mixed up A and B. Try again and tell us who they are

Seriously. Stop being obtuse and stop triangulating relationships. Let other people mind their own business.

[Anonymous]

What?

[Anonymous]

I think this is between A and B (or B and A). You have already expressed your views to your mom. If driver agrees to go, you can also comment to her privately acknowledging the good turn she is doing. Otherwise be happy you are not the preferred driver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My elderly mother plans to ask Relative A (Larla) to drive her to see Relative B (Larlita) on Christmas Day. Relative A is here in the area Christmas Day only. Larlita lives in a nursing home about 2 hours away. My mother sees Larlita once or twice a week. Larlita is unpleasant and was violent to me and a sibling when were children. No one wants to go visit Larlita on any day but my mother. Sometimes we suck it up as a corporal work of mercy, but I have been physically ill and a 5 hour chunk of Christmas Day to see a verbally unpleasant and formally physically abusive relative is not going to put me in the emotional shape my DC need right now. Larlita will not be alone for Christmas. This is a high end nursing facility. They bring in entertainment. There is a fine, catered meal. Larlita has made friends (to whom I suspect much more respect is given than any family member.)

In addition, I think it is very unfair to ask incredibly kind Relative A Larla for a 5 hour chunk of Christmas Day. Larla has a degree program, a demanding work position, and deserves a relaxing day off. Plus, this is the family's only chance to see Larla for about 6 months. Larla "owes" my mother a lot and won't say no. I told my mother she was being inconsiderate to Larla and others. I suggested she go see Larlita on Christmas Day. She says Larlita "deserves" Christmas Day and insists Larla is the correct person to ask because Larlita babysat Larla's mother as a small child!

I am done with my mother. Right now I want to disinvite her from Christmas. I won't because I know that is unChristian and my kids would be devastated. However, I feel like I will be angry seeing her sit in her coat on my sofa impatiently waiting for Larla to finish eating and drive her to the nursing home. I feel guilty for offering to host Larla instead of sending two states further away to immediate family, but I didn't know until last night that my mother had this plan. It's too late to divert Larla.

What can I do?

I think I fixed it. Sorry for the angry and incoherent typing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My elderly mother plans to ask Relative A (Larla) to drive her to see Relative B (Larlita) on Christmas Day. Relative A is here in the area Christmas Day only. Larlita lives in a nursing home about 2 hours away. My mother sees Larlita once or twice a week. Larlita is unpleasant and was violent to me and a sibling when were children. No one wants to go visit Larlita on any day but my mother. Sometimes we suck it up as a corporal work of mercy, but I have been physically ill and a 5 hour chunk of Christmas Day to see a verbally unpleasant and formally physically abusive relative is not going to put me in the emotional shape my DC need right now. Larlita will not be alone for Christmas. This is a high end nursing facility. They bring in entertainment. There is a fine, catered meal. Larlita has made friends (to whom I suspect much more respect is given than any family member.)

In addition, I think it is very unfair to ask incredibly kind Relative A Larla for a 5 hour chunk of Christmas Day. Larla has a degree program, a demanding work position, and deserves a relaxing day off. Plus, this is the family's only chance to see Larla for about 6 months. Larla "owes" my mother a lot and won't say no. I told my mother she was being inconsiderate to Larla and others. I suggested she go see Larlita on Christmas Day. She says Larlita "deserves" Christmas Day and insists Larla is the correct person to ask because Larlita babysat Larla's mother as a small child!

I am done with my mother. Right now I want to disinvite her from Christmas. I won't because I know that is unChristian and my kids would be devastated. However, I feel like I will be angry seeing her sit in her coat on my sofa impatiently waiting for Larla to finish eating and drive her to the nursing home. I feel guilty for offering to host Larla instead of sending two states further away to immediate family, but I didn't know until last night that my mother had this plan. It's too late to divert Larla.

What can I do?

I think I fixed it. Sorry for the angry and incoherent typing.

Doesn't matter. Worry about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you look into an Uber for the trip to the nursing home?

You've mixed up A and B in a couple of places in your post. It would probably be more helpful to just label them by relationship. Great-grandma? Niece? Is your mother paying for the driver's education?

Driver is my...second cousin, third cousin, twice removed or some odd configuration. Driver and my mother are second or third cousins of a sort. Driver's parents moved abroad for last two years of HS and she lived rent free with my mother. She did help around the house and drive my mother on various errands. I feel like this debt was paid.

[Anonymous]

I see why you feel bad, since you invited Larla, and feel responsible for putting her in the position of either saying no, or missing out on Christmas with your family. I'd do a preemptive strike and arrange for a car service, and pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see why you feel bad, since you invited Larla, and feel responsible for putting her in the position of either saying no, or missing out on Christmas with your family. I'd do a preemptive strike and arrange for a car service, and pay for it.

+1

[Anonymous]

This isn't about you. I don't understand why you are so angry on someone else's behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about you. I don't understand why you are so angry on someone else's behalf.

+1

Unless your cousin has asked for your help getting out of this, you need to MYOB. Triangulation is very dysfunctional: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation_(psychology)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about you. I don't understand why you are so angry on someone else's behalf.

I'm not just angry on Larla's behalf. I'm angry that on Christmas day, my mother plans to take Larla away from me and my kids for 5 hours. We see her twice a year for Christmas and family reunion. It's a big deal to my kids. Larla is also the closest I have to a sister. My mother planned this with no consideration to how it impacted anyone else and she refuses to acknowledge it is unfair when I pointed out to her that she was asking for 5 hours on Christmas Day. Larla won't say no, but she will miss many activities with the family or just time to chill. Who wants to drive a total of 4 hours on Christmas Day to see a mean distant relative?