Mother interfering with Christmas Day visit of another relative. Help!

[Anonymous]

Op, it is not your business, you have no say or power over what one person asks another person to do. Details are unimportant.

[Anonymous]

This would fix it:

Car service (Uber) for both to visit. Cousin stays an hour; Mom, for as long as she likes. Schedule it around the party. For example, there's the hour between opening presents and dessert or whatever. Cousin will be gone for that period to pay her respects.

This is NOT triangulating. Saving someone from despair is a helping act. Triangulation refers to an unhealthy pattern of communicating to B through C. You're NOT doing that. You, A, see B is bullying C, and want to spare her that. NOT TRIANGULATION.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My elderly mother plans to ask Relative A to drive her to see Relative B on Christmas Day. Relative A is here in the area Christmas Day only. Relative B lives in a nursing home about 2 hours away. My mother sees Relative B once or twice a week. Relative B is unpleasant and was violent to me and a sibling when were children. No one wants to go visit Relative A on any day but my mother. Sometimes we suck it up as a corporal work of mercy, but I have been physically ill and a 5 hour chunk of Christmas Day to see a verbally unpleasant and formally physically abusive relative is not going to put me in the emotional shape my DC need right now. Relative A will not be alone for Christmas. This is a high end nursing facility. They bring in entertainment. There is a fine, catered meal. Relative A has made friends (to whom I suspect much more respect is given than any family member.)

In addition, I think it is very unfair to ask incredibly kind Relative A for a 5 hour chunk of Christmas Day. Relative A has a degree program, a demanding work position, and deserves a relaxing day off. Plus, this is the family's only chance to see Relative A for about 6 months. Relative A "owes" my mother a lot and won't say no. I told my mother she was being inconsiderate to Relative A and others. I suggested she go see Relative B on Christmas Day. She says Relative B "deserves" Christmas Day and insists Relative A is the correct person to ask because Relative B babysat Relative A's mother as a small child!

I am done with my mother. Right now I want to disinvite her from Christmas. I won't because I know that is unChristian and my kids would be devastated. However, I feel like I will be angry seeing her sit in her coat on my sofa impatiently waiting for Relative A to finish eating and drive her to the nursing home. I feel guilty for offering to host Relative B instead of sending two states further away to immediate family, but I didn't know until last night that my mother had this plan. It's too late to divert Relative B.

What can I do?

It is none of your business what your mother or another relative choose to do or not do on Christmas. That is between your mother and those relatives. MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about you. I don't understand why you are so angry on someone else's behalf.

She's angry for herself. OP invited Larla to be part of their family Christmas celebration, and her mother is essentially "inviting" Larla to do something else instead, and in a way that makes it difficult for Larla to refuse.

Op, what would your mother do if Larla wasn't there? I wouldn't let her strong-arm Larla on this one. Arrange for a car, and tell your mom Larla is there to see your family, not be her driver. If she can't respect that, she doesn't have to come.

+1000 And stand firm on this. If you arrange transportation for your mother, then she can't guilt your cousin. Your cousin is only there for one day; she simply won't have "time" to visit Larlita no matter what your mom thinks.

You really do need to divert this, otherwise your cousin will be caught in the middle.

Jesus, people, this isn't OP's battle to fight. All of you suggesting she get involved must be really dysfunctional.

Agree 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My elderly mother plans to ask Relative A to drive her to see Relative B on Christmas Day. Relative A is here in the area Christmas Day only. Relative B lives in a nursing home about 2 hours away. My mother sees Relative B once or twice a week. Relative B is unpleasant and was violent to me and a sibling when were children. No one wants to go visit Relative A on any day but my mother. Sometimes we suck it up as a corporal work of mercy, but I have been physically ill and a 5 hour chunk of Christmas Day to see a verbally unpleasant and formally physically abusive relative is not going to put me in the emotional shape my DC need right now. Relative A will not be alone for Christmas. This is a high end nursing facility. They bring in entertainment. There is a fine, catered meal. Relative A has made friends (to whom I suspect much more respect is given than any family member.)

In addition, I think it is very unfair to ask incredibly kind Relative A for a 5 hour chunk of Christmas Day. Relative A has a degree program, a demanding work position, and deserves a relaxing day off. Plus, this is the family's only chance to see Relative A for about 6 months. Relative A "owes" my mother a lot and won't say no. I told my mother she was being inconsiderate to Relative A and others. I suggested she go see Relative B on Christmas Day. She says Relative B "deserves" Christmas Day and insists Relative A is the correct person to ask because Relative B babysat Relative A's mother as a small child!

I am done with my mother. Right now I want to disinvite her from Christmas. I won't because I know that is unChristian and my kids would be devastated. However, I feel like I will be angry seeing her sit in her coat on my sofa impatiently waiting for Relative A to finish eating and drive her to the nursing home. I feel guilty for offering to host Relative B instead of sending two states further away to immediate family, but I didn't know until last night that my mother had this plan. It's too late to divert Relative B.

What can I do?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. If your relative doesn't want to drive your mother then she can say so. Presumably you are all adults, but some of you (are you listening op) are not acting like it.

[Anonymous]

Does larla even know this request is coming? If not step in. If so, tell her she doesn't have to do it, it's ok to say no, then step away from it. Or did invite your mom and send her to the nursing home solo.

[Anonymous]

Does this Larla person have free will?

Oh yeah, she does. Guess she can speak for herself. And decide for her herself. I guess people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This would fix it:

Car service (Uber) for both to visit. Cousin stays an hour; Mom, for as long as she likes. Schedule it around the party. For example, there's the hour between opening presents and dessert or whatever. Cousin will be gone for that period to pay her respects.

This is NOT triangulating. Saving someone from despair is a helping act. Triangulation refers to an unhealthy pattern of communicating to B through C. You're NOT doing that. You, A, see B is bullying C, and want to spare her that. NOT TRIANGULATION.

what bullying? She's asking for a ride.

[Anonymous]

For such an educated populace, the dc are sure has a lot of immaturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This would fix it:

Car service (Uber) for both to visit. Cousin stays an hour; Mom, for as long as she likes. Schedule it around the party. For example, there's the hour between opening presents and dessert or whatever. Cousin will be gone for that period to pay her respects.

This is NOT triangulating. Saving someone from despair is a helping act. Triangulation refers to an unhealthy pattern of communicating to B through C. You're NOT doing that. You, A, see B is bullying C, and want to spare her that. NOT TRIANGULATION.

I think you missed the part that the nursing home is a two hour drive from op's house. And it doesn't sound like the cousin has any real relationship with the woman in the nursing home (she babysat the cousin's mother when the mother was a child?). Op's mom wants cousin to be a driver, that's all.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the advice. I would love to not be involved but I really feel my mother is out of line and impacting Christmas for 4 other people. I am looking into a car service and decided to let Larla know tonight what my mother is planning so she isn't ambushed over breakfast.

Inviting Larlita is not possible regardless of me feelings toward her. She is incontinent and prone to falls. We would have to hire a nursing aide to accompany her.

I am calmer now, but still irritated when I realize that instead of relaxing tonight, I'll spend time today planning an alternative to Larla driving. I also need a plan in place to stop my mother from attempting this again on the grounds that Larla owes her and Larlita. There has to be some point where you no longer owe someone for some kindness they showed you or another family member years ago. I worry that in my mother's opinion, my own children are inheriting some debt of time for something done for me in the past.

[Anonymous]

Larla just need to say "Cousin Lori and her family have invited us to be with them Christmas Day. I see them so infrequently that I would feel terrible skipping out for several hours when I am the guest. I hope you can make other arrangements or see Larlita on another day since you too said you would be Lori's guest for the day." Done.

Or make sure Larla doesn't come with a car so she has no way to drive. Or let her tell your mother her license is suspended and she can't drive! Have some Christmas fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Larla just need to say "Cousin Lori and her family have invited us to be with them Christmas Day. I see them so infrequently that I would feel terrible skipping out for several hours when I am the guest. I hope you can make other arrangements or see Larlita on another day since you too said you would be Lori's guest for the day." Done.

Or make sure Larla doesn't come with a car so she has no way to drive. Or let her tell your mother her license is suspended and she can't drive! Have some Christmas fun!

How about--Act like an adult, and stop making shit up and sticking your nose in other relatives actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate the advice. I would love to not be involved but I really feel my mother is out of line and impacting Christmas for 4 other people. I am looking into a car service and decided to let Larla know tonight what my mother is planning so she isn't ambushed over breakfast.

Inviting Larlita is not possible regardless of me feelings toward her. She is incontinent and prone to falls. We would have to hire a nursing aide to accompany her.

I am calmer now, but still irritated when I realize that instead of relaxing tonight, I'll spend time today planning an alternative to Larla driving. I also need a plan in place to stop my mother from attempting this again on the grounds that Larla owes her and Larlita. There has to be some point where you no longer owe someone for some kindness they showed you or another family member years ago. I worry that in my mother's opinion, my own children are inheriting some debt of time for something done for me in the past.

How many times do you have to be told this is not your issue. Let your mom and your cousin work it out. Are you always this controlling?

[Anonymous]

I am very very surprised at all the people saying it's not your business. It's totally your business. You invited people to your home for a major holiday. One of those people is presumably young and quite busy, thus doesn't see you often. And old people wants to take her away from the holiday festivities to spend hours and hours in a car visiting some old curmudgeon who is in a nursing home that has entertainment brought in. The young person has no idea she's about to be AMBUSHED into driving instead of having a nice fun holiday. Yes, OP absolutely has a right to butt in and tell her mom to knock it off, make other arrangements and ensure her guests are able to be just that...guests, not servants or chauffeurs.