I'm 43 with no kids, but want 1.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced female, 43 and have never had kids. Been divorced for 5 years. One of my best friends is gay. We've known each other for 14 years. He's never been married, not in any relationships. We are Will and Grace (but 43 and 45). He wants a child. What could be the worst that could happen if we have a child together? We have discussed it and are seriously considering it.

[Anonymous]

You're setting the poor kid up for a lifetime of explaining all of this.

[Anonymous]

My childhood BF is doing this now with a friend. (She's newly pregnant.) She's younger but not young--39--and she explicitly wrote up a contract that excuses her friend from any financial or parental responsibility, though, so that's a little different.

I do think that you need to examine whether your friend would make a good parenting partner. I have lots of friends I love dearly with whom I'd never want to parent. And make sure he's as serious about this as you are.

If those things match up, then go for it. I think it's a great solution for some people.

[Anonymous]

This book might interest you. Martha Ertman's Love's Promises: How Formal and Informal Contracts Shape All Kinds of Families

http://www.amazon.com/Loves-Promises-Informal-Contracts-Families/dp/0807033669

[Anonymous]

Do you want a baby or a child? Maybe it would be easier to foster and adopt instead of going through the baby making with your friend. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

The worst that could happen? There are lots of worsts, and you will never have children with anyone, even a committed spouse, if you decide on "worsts."

The worst likely to happen? One of you wants to move far away for a job or new partner and the child loses a parent. OR, one of you finds someone you want to marry, and the new family unit takes one of you away from the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want a baby or a child? Maybe it would be easier to foster and adopt instead of going through the baby making with your friend. Just a thought.

Single parent adoptions are difficult and costly. Most adoption agencies wouldn't allow a "couple" like this adopt

[Anonymous]

Not fair to the child to voluntarily bring her into all this mess and baggage. She deserves two loving parents who are committed to each other.

Get a cat.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I would move forward with the friend, but very much agree that advance, in-depth legal planning is absolutely necessary.

Would you live together to raise the child? Dating rules? Custody issues? There is a ton to think about if this is not just him acting as a donor.

A close friend went the solo route with an anonymous donor, which would be my inclination because I'm a pessimist.

[Anonymous]

Is this even possible at your age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The worst that could happen? There are lots of worsts, and you will never have children with anyone, even a committed spouse, if you decide on "worsts."

The worst likely to happen? One of you wants to move far away for a job or new partner and the child loses a parent. OR, one of you finds someone you want to marry, and the new family unit takes one of you away from the child.

How is that different from a 'normal' family going through divorce and/or job relocation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I would move forward with the friend, but very much agree that advance, in-depth legal planning is absolutely necessary.

Would you live together to raise the child? Dating rules? Custody issues? There is a ton to think about if this is not just him acting as a donor.

A close friend went the solo route with an anonymous donor, which would be my inclination because I'm a pessimist.

Op here: We already live together, in a house I own, but we share (he has a very stable job and pays 1/2 of the bills) We've lived together for 2 years. We have dating rules in place now that work fine. We are also both in a place where we just aren't into dating, haven't been. I feel like we are a married couple minus any sex and are completely content with the arrangement. Not to say someone won't come along for either of us some day...

[Anonymous]

I think you should move forward on a baby if you really want to, but should not make your friend the father. The friend can help and be a support, even a part of the household, but not have a legal connection. Worst case scenario you guys are fighting for custody for some reason down the line.

And 11:13 - your friend's ex still has paternal rights and responsibilities regardless of the contract.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The worst that could happen? There are lots of worsts, and you will never have children with anyone, even a committed spouse, if you decide on "worsts."

The worst likely to happen? One of you wants to move far away for a job or new partner and the child loses a parent. OR, one of you finds someone you want to marry, and the new family unit takes one of you away from the child.

How is that different from a 'normal' family going through divorce and/or job relocation?

NP. We didn't have our children planning to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this even possible at your age?

Umm, yes, I'm only 43! Everything still works the right way and I'm in great shape... My OB/GYN is completely fine with it.