I'm 43 with no kids, but want 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This book might interest you. Martha Ertman's Love's Promises: How Formal and Informal Contracts Shape All Kinds of Families

http://www.amazon.com/Loves-Promises-Informal-Contracts-Families/dp/0807033669

+1 on this recommendation. She is a DC Mom and UMD contracts law professor who had a child with a close male friend and raised that child in a lesbian partnership prior to the legalization of gay marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think it would work and be fine. You're not a 20 year old who can't afford it. I would work out finances and issues prior though. Also know that fertility treatments aren't covered by insurance unless you're married.

[Anonymous]

You'll regret it if you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this even possible at your age?

Umm, yes, I'm only 43! Everything still works the right way and I'm in great shape... My OB/GYN is completely fine with it.

I say this with kindness - I think you have unrealistic expectations about how easy this is going to be. I'm not clear if you and the friend will have intercourse or do IUI, but in either case, your odds of having a baby as a person who has never had a child before at 43 are extremely low.

The first thing I would do with your friend is sort through what you're willing to go through to have a baby and see if you even agree on that. IUI? IVF? Donor egg? Would you try with your own egg before donor egg? And none of it is cheap and at your age even these procedures have low chance of working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would work and be fine. You're not a 20 year old who can't afford it. I would work out finances and issues prior though. Also know that fertility treatments aren't covered by insurance unless you're married.

This is not true.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who did this. The child is now a teenager- just had a bat mizvah- very happy and well adjusted. I think the key was that both partners were clear on what their roles would be (and neither has wanted to significantly alter their role). All parties are super happy that they went forward. And the child is a great kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My childhood BF is doing this now with a friend. (She's newly pregnant.) She's younger but not young--39--and she explicitly wrote up a contract that excuses her friend from any financial or parental responsibility, though, so that's a little different.

I do think that you need to examine whether your friend would make a good parenting partner. I have lots of friends I love dearly with whom I'd never want to parent. And make sure he's as serious about this as you are.

If those things match up, then go for it. I think it's a great solution for some people.

Unless the friend was a true sperm donor, his parental rights and obligations cannot be voided through a contract. He will be on the hook for child support until the child is 18 years old, unless it was a true sperm donor situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would work and be fine. You're not a 20 year old who can't afford it. I would work out finances and issues prior though. Also know that fertility treatments aren't covered by insurance unless you're married.

This is not true.

I just finished treatments and yes, we had to be married. Maybe other insurances are different, but I read this before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this even possible at your age?

Umm, yes, I'm only 43! Everything still works the right way and I'm in great shape... My OB/GYN is completely fine with it.

Only 43???? Are you out of your mind?

This whole discussion is probably moot if you're thinking of having biological children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should move forward on a baby if you really want to, but should not make your friend the father. The friend can help and be a support, even a part of the household, but not have a legal connection. Worst case scenario you guys are fighting for custody for some reason down the line.

And 11:13 - your friend's ex still has paternal rights and responsibilities regardless of the contract.

This is rock solid advice. There are lots of way to make a family, but you would be protecting yourself if you were the sole legal parent and just happened to have another adult involved in the child rearing.

[Anonymous]

What a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Look at just the miscarriage rates alone, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would work and be fine. You're not a 20 year old who can't afford it. I would work out finances and issues prior though. Also know that fertility treatments aren't covered by insurance unless you're married.

This is not true.

I just finished treatments and yes, we had to be married. Maybe other insurances are different, but I read this before.

It must vary by insurance, because being married never came up. They won't treat you for infertility if you haven't been trying because how would they know you're infertile? But even that they take your word on. Being married was never a requirement for me, thank goodnss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at just the miscarriage rates alone, OP.

And here are the percentages of eggs with chromosonal abnormalities.



The point is, the chance of you conceiving and carrying a healthy child is very low. You may need to do multiple rounds of IVF. Are you both up for that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this even possible at your age?

Umm, yes, I'm only 43! Everything still works the right way and I'm in great shape... My OB/GYN is completely fine with it.

I say this with kindness - I think you have unrealistic expectations about how easy this is going to be. I'm not clear if you and the friend will have intercourse or do IUI, but in either case, your odds of having a baby as a person who has never had a child before at 43 are extremely low.

The first thing I would do with your friend is sort through what you're willing to go through to have a baby and see if you even agree on that. IUI? IVF? Donor egg? Would you try with your own egg before donor egg? And none of it is cheap and at your age even these procedures have low chance of working.

This is not necessarily true. If OP were 43 and had been ttc for years, then I would agree, but that's not the case.

OP, go for it, but I vote for anon sperm donor, not friend.

Another option, I know some single women who adopted babies (12 mos. of age or so) from China and seems to have worked out well for all of them.