Dealing with ill FIL and ambivalent MIL and SILs

[Anonymous]

My FIL suddenly had a stroke visiting. We obviously supported him and took on a lot (coordinating his care, dealing with sudden hospitalizations, dealing with an obviously worried FIL and PT/OT therapy).

Why am I annoyed? My MIL, who was married to this man for 35 years filed for divorce and left him. I don't know why and didn't take sides in the whole thing, though it was sudden.
She's been traveling, loving life, snuggled up with her boyfriend in a cottage in Maine (oh, I know I need to quit facebook). I don't even begrudge her this, but there is this part of me that is so mad is that I am literally going gray with everything on my plate (small children, working 50+ hours a week, spouse working as much, and coordinating my FIL's care) and she is sort of "lalalalala life is good." She wants to come for the holidays, which I am fine with except this year is going to be different considering our small amount of free time is being spent managing FIL's recovery. My DH is frustrated since no one, including his siblings, have visited FIL or offered us any respite support. We are managing, but I just feel myself getting upset when my MIL calls and wants to pretend everything is fine. It's not. His siblings do the same thing. They call and pretend it's like this was a small thing. The man is in a wheelchair and is struggling to get his speech back and is incredibly agitated and frustrating.

I just want to say: "I get it; he's not my problem anymore. But he's still your children's father and you could at least ask about how he is doing and how we are doing trying to manage this health crisis." But I bite my tongue because she's not my mother and this isn't my family; it's just that their problems are apparently mine.

[Anonymous]

The divorce was a year ago -- so MIL didn't leave right away, just to make it clear. She just had great timing, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Don't talk to them. Let DH do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL suddenly had a stroke visiting. We obviously supported him and took on a lot (coordinating his care, dealing with sudden hospitalizations, dealing with an obviously worried FIL and PT/OT therapy).

Why am I annoyed? My MIL, who was married to this man for 35 years filed for divorce and left him. I don't know why and didn't take sides in the whole thing, though it was sudden.
She's been traveling, loving life, snuggled up with her boyfriend in a cottage in Maine (oh, I know I need to quit facebook). I don't even begrudge her this, but there is this part of me that is so mad is that I am literally going gray with everything on my plate (small children, working 50+ hours a week, spouse working as much, and coordinating my FIL's care) and she is sort of "lalalalala life is good." She wants to come for the holidays, which I am fine with except this year is going to be different considering our small amount of free time is being spent managing FIL's recovery. My DH is frustrated since no one, including his siblings, have visited FIL or offered us any respite support. We are managing, but I just feel myself getting upset when my MIL calls and wants to pretend everything is fine. It's not. His siblings do the same thing. They call and pretend it's like this was a small thing. The man is in a wheelchair and is struggling to get his speech back and is incredibly agitated and frustrating.

I just want to say: "I get it; he's not my problem anymore. But he's still your children's father and you could at least ask about how he is doing and how we are doing trying to manage this health crisis." But I bite my tongue because she's not my mother and this isn't my family; it's just that their problems are apparently mine.

Why doesn't your husband SAY ANYTHING to his siblings and his mother?

[Anonymous]

My DH doesn't say anything because this is the most passive family in the world. No one actually addresses anything head on; it's all joking and witty banter without any meaningful discussion occurring. I've actually pushed him to say something more serious to his sisters (like, oh, visiting their dad in rehab), but it hasn't happened beyond a "hey, maybe if you have time and you're not too busy you could stop by to see dad." There's no direct -- "dad is seriously ill; you should make some effort to connect with him."

[Anonymous]

Ok. OP, you need to decide what you want.

1) Do you want MIL not to come for Christmas?
2) Do you want financial help from the siblings?
3) Do you want effort/organizational help from the siblings?

Make a list of clear actions you need done. Then ask DH to directly ask his family. He can do it in email or whatever, but it needs to come from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. OP, you need to decide what you want.

1) Do you want MIL not to come for Christmas?
2) Do you want financial help from the siblings?
3) Do you want effort/organizational help from the siblings?

Make a list of clear actions you need done. Then ask DH to directly ask his family. He can do it in email or whatever, but it needs to come from him.

I think No. 3 would be the best. I completely agree that DH needs to speak to his siblings and mother directly. I am just spinning my wheels, short of actually writing this email for him, to get him to be vulnerable enough to ask for real help and express sincere concern.

[Anonymous]

When people say divorce is a way of dumping your problems on your children, this is exactly what they mean. Good luck OP-- you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH doesn't say anything because this is the most passive family in the world. No one actually addresses anything head on; it's all joking and witty banter without any meaningful discussion occurring. I've actually pushed him to say something more serious to his sisters (like, oh, visiting their dad in rehab), but it hasn't happened beyond a "hey, maybe if you have time and you're not too busy you could stop by to see dad." There's no direct -- "dad is seriously ill; you should make some effort to connect with him."

Well apparently MIL isn't passive since she managed to leave him.

If I were in your shoes I would not be able to bite my tongue. The lack of compassion and empathy for their own parent is stunning. I would call them up and say exactly what you said: "You know, DH hasn't said anything, but your father is seriously ill and would appreciate a visit from you. DH and I are struggling to do all we can for him and the least you could do is visit him, for his sake."

I would also make clear that anyone who visits you for the holidays will be expected to at least visit FIL for a few minutes. Is he in your house? If he's at a facility I guess this isn't enforceable, but if he is living with you then visiting you is visiting him.

I know it's tough, especially when it isn't even your own family. I recently had a similar conversation with my sister (who is not nearly as selfish as the people you're describing) and it was tough. ("You know, grandparents are almost 90 and would appreciate a visit from you. I know finances and time are tight now that you have a baby, but if you have time to spend a week in Maine with your friends, you have time to fly 2 hours to visit them for a day. They won't be here forever.") She didn't go. But I felt better having done the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH doesn't say anything because this is the most passive family in the world. No one actually addresses anything head on; it's all joking and witty banter without any meaningful discussion occurring. I've actually pushed him to say something more serious to his sisters (like, oh, visiting their dad in rehab), but it hasn't happened beyond a "hey, maybe if you have time and you're not too busy you could stop by to see dad." There's no direct -- "dad is seriously ill; you should make some effort to connect with him."

Well apparently MIL isn't passive since she managed to leave him.

If I were in your shoes I would not be able to bite my tongue. The lack of compassion and empathy for their own parent is stunning. I would call them up and say exactly what you said: "You know, DH hasn't said anything, but your father is seriously ill and would appreciate a visit from you. DH and I are struggling to do all we can for him and the least you could do is visit him, for his sake."

I would also make clear that anyone who visits you for the holidays will be expected to at least visit FIL for a few minutes. Is he in your house? If he's at a facility I guess this isn't enforceable, but if he is living with you then visiting you is visiting him.

I know it's tough, especially when it isn't even your own family. I recently had a similar conversation with my sister (who is not nearly as selfish as the people you're describing) and it was tough. ("You know, grandparents are almost 90 and would appreciate a visit from you. I know finances and time are tight now that you have a baby, but if you have time to spend a week in Maine with your friends, you have time to fly 2 hours to visit them for a day. They won't be here forever.") She didn't go. But I felt better having done the right thing.

OP here. I appreciate this advice. I don't know the ins and out of their divorce and didn't really listen/participate in the chatter into why.

FIL is leaving rehab right after Thanksgiving weekend and moving into our au pair suite in the basement. I just struggle with taking this head on because these aren't my sisters and this isn't my mother (my parents are dead and I have a good relationship with my brother and his family). I just had a frustrating conversation with my MIL about the holidays and needed to vent/get perspective if I am being a huge bitch or if I really have a right to be frustrated and annoyed with their collective non nonchalance.

[Anonymous]

I dunno, OP. I think you're going to have to call a family meeting with the siblings and say something. Prepare specific things you would like them to do, like visit for X days every 3 month, call weekly, etc. If DH won't do it, he should at least sit beside you and back you up. The siblings should fly out, see him in person, and be responsible for his care for a period of hours while you and DH have some respite.

As for the MIL, I don't think you have to let her stay with you if you're not up to it. Tell her you are overwhelmed caring for FIL and cannot have houseguests. That at least should save you some hassle. She is probably in denial of what she dumped on you and DH. My mom is like that-- divorced my dad because he's a pain in the ass. Thanks, mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok. OP, you need to decide what you want.

1) Do you want MIL not to come for Christmas?
2) Do you want financial help from the siblings?
3) Do you want effort/organizational help from the siblings?

Make a list of clear actions you need done. Then ask DH to directly ask his family. He can do it in email or whatever, but it needs to come from him.

I think No. 3 would be the best. I completely agree that DH needs to speak to his siblings and mother directly. I am just spinning my wheels, short of actually writing this email for him, to get him to be vulnerable enough to ask for real help and express sincere concern.

Write it for him. Seriously. Sometimes people need that much help.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe it would help to sit down with your DH and think about what you actually want the siblings to do. Make a list of stuff they could do that would actually be helpful.

If your DH does not actually want their involvement, that may be your problem.

[Anonymous]

Op you are a saint. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I would have lost it a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno, OP. I think you're going to have to call a family meeting with the siblings and say something. Prepare specific things you would like them to do, like visit for X days every 3 month, call weekly, etc. If DH won't do it, he should at least sit beside you and back you up. The siblings should fly out, see him in person, and be responsible for his care for a period of hours while you and DH have some respite.

As for the MIL, I don't think you have to let her stay with you if you're not up to it. Tell her you are overwhelmed caring for FIL and cannot have houseguests. That at least should save you some hassle. She is probably in denial of what she dumped on you and DH. My mom is like that-- divorced my dad because he's a pain in the ass. Thanks, mom.

Absolutely tell MIL that you aren't up to house guests this year. (Especially since her ex will be living with you!) Don't be apologetic, just straightforward.

As to siblings, talk to your DH about what you need/would like from his siblings. Then ask for them. It sounds like these people aren't going to initiate anything, so don't expect them to.