Dealing with ill FIL and ambivalent MIL and SILs
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Anonymous
OP, definitely don't host your MIL if you aren't up to it. You are totally within your rights to be very clear with her: you are extremely busy because you are preparing to provide 24/7 care for your FIL. So you don't have time for houseguests. When she is at your house, do not cater to her! You are busy dealing with more important responsibilities. Honestly I'm surprised she would show her face, given what her choices have meant for you and your family. As for your DH problem, you may need to start forcing the issue and insist that he and you come up with a plan to seek more family support. Insist that he at least discuss it with you. If you are stressing yourself out, try to put more of the burden on him by taking on less. Maybe then he will be more willing to engage his family. This situation is not sustainable and the sooner he realizes that, the better. |
Anonymous
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OP, since you are involved in caregiving, you absolutely have a right to hash this out with DH and to say something to MIL and SILs.
I will say, SILs may see that their dad is a pain and prefer he be in assisted living or what have you. They may think your effort is too much. Who knows? Do consider having him in assisted living if you think you can't handle this situation. Totally reasonable. |
Anonymous
You are not a bitch. At All. I don't normally play the gender card but no man would even ask that question. You are doing a Great Thing in stepping up for your FIL. It's what you hope people will do for their family when need strikes, and the fact that you are doing it for your IL speaks a lot to the kind of person you are. And your children see that, so you are giving them the best lesson possible in how to step up when life calls you to. As for MIL / SILs, I'd be blunt and refuse to play the passive aggressive game. Yes it's great to write an email for your husband for him to spend, but beyond that simply don't sugar coat things for any of the family members, and call them (politely) on it if they try to. I also have immense sympathy for you on the fact that your MIL divorced FIL then felt free to wipe her hands of him and his problems. Personally I think that is an incredibly weak thing to do as a parent. I can imagine divorcing my husband, I can't imagine just sitting by if he had a stroke and letting my children deal with the fall out alone. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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I think you need some family history.
Your MIL left your FIL after 35 years of marriage, and his sisters don't give a shit what happens to their dad. As my mom would, "What's up with this?" Do not leave this to your DH - YOU are dealing with all of the logistics for his care. I would just flat out ask WHY they are doing NOTHING to help FIL. The answers you get may (or may not) surprise you. |
Anonymous
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If the daughters wanted to visit their father they would. They don't need you or your DH telling them what to do. Maybe there is a reason they aren't visiting him.
If you and DH want to take care of FIL, that is your choice. Nobody is required to help you. If you get tired of him, put him in a nursing home. |
Anonymous
| Use FaceTime or Skype so they can see their FIL. A picture is worth a thousand words. |
Anonymous
| I was thinking it might actually be good for them to visit, in that they could see firsthand how their father/exh is doing. From what you've described, I wonder if your husband has given them a clear picture of your FIL's condition? |
Anonymous
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OP here. I honestly don't know what my sister in laws' issues are. From my perspective, I didn't see a ton of issues but then again I was occupied with losing my parents (my mother died from cancer when I was engaged and my father died shortly before we had gotten married, so my in laws were kind of a fresh breeze. They were funny, witty, and just a light bunch. I didn't see any strife or anything that would make it seem like the kids hate or want to estrange themselves from their father. I have three kids (4, 2 and 6 mo.) and got pregnant shortly after getting married, so I went from grieving my parents to being in the throes of small children and working. Like I said, during all of this, my in laws were funny and nice and light and breezy. I liked all of them.
The divorce was strange and sudden, but everyone seemed fine with it. It was sort of a joking thing amongst the siblings. The siblings, including my DH, are kind of seemed to focus on their own families and had the view that their parents' issues were their own to sort out. I actually would love for my FIL to go into assisted living, but his affairs are a cluster. He doesn't have a power of attorney, we are sorting out wait lists, etc. There is a shit ton of just administrative crap work that DH is handling to sort his FIL's affairs. This is another component to the mess we are stuck handling. I actually had a long talk with DH about this. He opened up that his family has a hard time talking about difficult things and he hasn't made it clear how bad things are to his sisters. He was honest about the stroke but made it sound like his dad would bounce back without a long road of recovery -- his own denial admittedly. I get it and told him that everyone needs to face reality and figure out how we deal with the world we live in now. He agreed and is going to write his sisters an email laying everything out and asking for their help in managing things. I slept soundly for the first time in a month. I just feel good knowing that we aren't stuck holding things up alone. |