When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone

[Anonymous]

In recent years, I've noticed a trend with DW.

She meets someone and "totally loves them." And then, in time, something happens and suddenly that person is completely incompetent, or an utter bitch, or worse.

I've seen this happen with:

- Bosses (twice she's lasted at a company for three months and left in large part because of clash with her supervisor, whom she declared incompetent).
- Other moms (it's almost always women she has these conflicts with). In both circles of my kids' friends (i.e., clashes with moms of kids older DC is friends with and then with younger DCs circle). It was like this in both communities where we've lived -- with the kids as toddlers and now as tweens.
- Other volunteers at church.
- Teachers and school administration
- Other parents on dcs' sports teams
- Neighborhood civic association type projects

It's gotten to the point where I can see the cycle coming. If we host something, I can pretty much guarantee a LONG venting session later where she's really angry about this perceived slight or something someone's bratty kid did or whatever.

I realize that I have grown tired of it because what I've come to realize is she's the common denominator. She can be abrupt, rude, and tempestuous. I've seen her snarl at other people's children! Unfortunately, that makes me a bad partner because I no longer really indulge listening to it. The one time I gently tried to point out that she seems to have a lot of conflict with others, she bit my head off, left the room and slammed the door. We didn't talk for 36 hours. I've also suggested she seek some therapy for her anger, insecurity and temper, and that wasn't received well, either.

Her mother was like this -- alienated a lot of friends throughout her life. I notice that as DW ages, this behavior is becoming more pronounced in her, too.

I worry this will begin to affect the way my own children interact with others. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Prozac now. Prozac forever.

[Anonymous]

Is she self aware at all, in terms of this process of being enthusiastic about someone and then demonizing them?

Honestly I think it stems from a deep seated dissatisfaction with herself, a kind of insecurity, but that's just an armchair analysis.

I would confront her and see if she can process it and work on it herself.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your wife has some pretty serious social dysfunction and you can bet it will translate to your kids. Since you have kids you can't just cut ties. You need to find a way to get your wife into therapy to start getting at the root of this issue. Start with couples therapy. See where that takes you.

[Anonymous]

My DH has a temper and shows the world a happy face and me an angry face.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my bipolar ex. At some points in his cycle he is really friendly (the beginning of his hypomanic swing). But when the hypomania is cresting just begore the crash, he has a delusional, grandiose, paranoid edge that makes it very hard for him to get along with others.

[Anonymous]

Borderline personality disorder

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my MIL. Google borderline personality disorder. I've had to disengage, but I don't knew how you donor with your wife good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In recent years, I've noticed a trend with DW.

She meets someone and "totally loves them." And then, in time, something happens and suddenly that person is completely incompetent, or an utter bitch, or worse.

I've seen this happen with:

- Bosses (twice she's lasted at a company for three months and left in large part because of clash with her supervisor, whom she declared incompetent).
- Other moms (it's almost always women she has these conflicts with). In both circles of my kids' friends (i.e., clashes with moms of kids older DC is friends with and then with younger DCs circle). It was like this in both communities where we've lived -- with the kids as toddlers and now as tweens.
- Other volunteers at church.
- Teachers and school administration
- Other parents on dcs' sports teams
- Neighborhood civic association type projects

It's gotten to the point where I can see the cycle coming. If we host something, I can pretty much guarantee a LONG venting session later where she's really angry about this perceived slight or something someone's bratty kid did or whatever.

I realize that I have grown tired of it because what I've come to realize is she's the common denominator. She can be abrupt, rude, and tempestuous. I've seen her snarl at other people's children! Unfortunately, that makes me a bad partner because I no longer really indulge listening to it. The one time I gently tried to point out that she seems to have a lot of conflict with others, she bit my head off, left the room and slammed the door. We didn't talk for 36 hours. I've also suggested she seek some therapy for her anger, insecurity and temper, and that wasn't received well, either.

Her mother was like this -- alienated a lot of friends throughout her life. I notice that as DW ages, this behavior is becoming more pronounced in her, too.

I worry this will begin to affect the way my own children interact with others. Any suggestions?

Sounds like my DH...although he gets along well with others (they think he's a great person). In private he criticizes and finds fault with almost everyone, especially family. I struggle to keep his attitude from influencing me, however, it makes me weary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Borderline personality disorder

Possibly except she really doesn't check many of the boxes for symptoms... She's just irritable and quick to anger.

[diz]

Luckily, DW did not catch this from her mother because the mother in law is definitely like this. It seems to largely be narcissism. Everything is perceived through her own self so every once in a while there is a big to do because of some imagined slight over something that doesn't have a damned thing to do with her.

Can you talk to her about it productively? DMIL will act like she wants feedback from DW but is then so incredibly defensive that the whole conversation is both stressful and pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Borderline personality disorder

Possibly except she really doesn't check many of the boxes for symptoms... She's just irritable and quick to anger.

And she blames everyone else but herself, right? It's never her fault, or her issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Borderline personality disorder

Possibly except she really doesn't check many of the boxes for symptoms... She's just irritable and quick to anger.

And she blames everyone else but herself, right? It's never her fault, or her issue?

Correct. Everyone around her is an idiot. Including me (granted, sometimes I am... but usually I'm spoke to in a tone that begs the question "and what kind of idiot are you?" -- she talks to the kids that way, too.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my MIL. Google borderline personality disorder. I've had to disengage, but I don't knew how you donor with your wife good luck.

Come again? Or should I say WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Borderline personality disorder

Possibly except she really doesn't check many of the boxes for symptoms... She's just irritable and quick to anger.

And she blames everyone else but herself, right? It's never her fault, or her issue?

Correct. Everyone around her is an idiot. Including me (granted, sometimes I am... but usually I'm spoke to in a tone that begs the question "and what kind of idiot are you?" -- she talks to the kids that way, too.)

Sorry OP, but if you are allowing your wife to treat your kids like this, you are allowing her to emotionally abuse them and there will be repercussions. Part of the fallout is that they will be angry at you for not sticking up for them and for allowing this to happen.

And yes, it will continue to get worse and worse b/c your DW has a personality disorder that is not going to resolve itself. Whether it's narcissism or BPD as someone mentioned, we can't really tell online, but you need to let her know it's not OK and she needs therapy stat.

BTW -- you should go see a therapist, describe some of this family dynamic and maybe you will believe how sick it is and how you are enabling it. Not trying to blame you, but your job as a parent is to protect your kids.