When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone

[Anonymous]

This is my STBX-husband. If he's caught in an untruth he expertly pivots to a related issue and pretends that was his point all along. He will scream at me to stop yelling when I'm calmly saying something he doesn't want to hear. He will break into a phone call I'm having with a friend to challenge what I'm saying. Any time he has had a woman colleague he had to work with, he's gotten fired from that job. He cuts off my sentences to argue about how I'm conducting myself in the argument. Since I'm loath to argue and prefer to go away and cool off, he follows me around yelling at me. I'm so sorry I stayed as long as I did for the sake of the children (but it would have been nearly as bad anyway since we would have been in constant contact about the kids.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your wife has some pretty serious social dysfunction and you can bet it will translate to your kids. Since you have kids you can't just cut ties. You need to find a way to get your wife into therapy to start getting at the root of this issue. Start with couples therapy. See where that takes you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Someone in my family is like this. Has alienated nearly everyone in her life. No longer talks to her (only) sibling, no longer allows her husband to talk to one of his closest childhood friends, has had various fallings out over the years. Also will get incredibly huffy and angry over stupid stuff--a mistake that a waiter made with a credit card, any perceived insult (perceived being the key word here).

SHe is not bipolar. Just very immature, with a self-oriented viewpoint and deep need for a particular kind of attention and recognition. In her world view, if you are feeling angry, you are completely justified and it must be the other person's fault. No matter what.

she is also a psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Borderline personality disorder

Possibly except she really doesn't check many of the boxes for symptoms... She's just irritable and quick to anger.

And she blames everyone else but herself, right? It's never her fault, or her issue?

Correct. Everyone around her is an idiot. Including me (granted, sometimes I am... but usually I'm spoke to in a tone that begs the question "and what kind of idiot are you?" -- she talks to the kids that way, too.)

Sorry OP, but if you are allowing your wife to treat your kids like this, you are allowing her to emotionally abuse them and there will be repercussions. Part of the fallout is that they will be angry at you for not sticking up for them and for allowing this to happen.

And yes, it will continue to get worse and worse b/c your DW has a personality disorder that is not going to resolve itself. Whether it's narcissism or BPD as someone mentioned, we can't really tell online, but you need to let her know it's not OK and she needs therapy stat.

BTW -- you should go see a therapist, describe some of this family dynamic and maybe you will believe how sick it is and how you are enabling it. Not trying to blame you, but your job as a parent is to protect your kids.

+1 This will be affecting your children OP.

[Anonymous]

This really does sound like borderline.

I had a friend once who always ended up having problems with everyone else. I finally realized it was her, not others. I felt bad because I was thinking these people were all pretty awful.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for borderline traits. If she thinks she's fine, though, and it's everyone else who is the problem, you're not going to have much luck convincing her to seek some help to repair her core damage.

You should look into what you can do to help your kids. It's scarring to have a parent with BPD traits.

[Anonymous]

OP, Your post could have been written by my father 20 years ago. My mother acted this way during my childhood. I think she is better now but still has few close friends. I think I am somewhat similar though therapy has been helpful. I wish I had good advice about what you can do for your wife and especially for your kids but I don't. My parents divorced which was sort of a good wake up call for my mom and she changed her ways for a number of years and has generally moderated her behavior but the underlying issues remain.

I agree that you should talk to someone about how to help the kids deal with this.

[Anonymous]

No one needs to accommodate her, though I bet you'll never change her either. All others in the family need to make sure their social circle do not involve mom. Doesn't matter if she doesn't like it - she doesn't get her way

[Anonymous]

Is it possible she doesn't know how to set boundaries, is walked all over or disrespected by people, and then she explodes? I had an older sister who used to bully and tease me. To this day, with other women, I find it challengin to establish boundaries and not let them walk all over me. It may not be borderline, if you notice it is only with other women.

[Anonymous]

A family member was like this. His kids turned out OK, in part because he wasn't the custodial parent.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds very difficult.

You're her husband - really one of the only (if not the only) person who is in a position to call her out on this behavior and not back down.

I get that it sucked when you didn't talk for 36 hours. But I think you need to keep bringing it up, as gently and with as much compassion as possible.

It might not work, but it's your best shot of this improving. Let her know that you love her, that you know she means well, that you empathize with why she might have this pattern, and that you want to be there for her while she tries to improve it.

If she screams and runs away, remain gentle and firm about your position.

Start refusing to participate in situations where you know this pattern will play out. Tell her why you're refusing, again with the gentle and caring invitation that you'll support her when and if she decides to tackle the problem.

It's not your responsibility to "fix" her, but it is your responsibility not to enable the behavior by overlooking it.

Things might get ugly before they get better if you take my advice, but I personally think it's your only real choice.

[Anonymous]

And you didn't notice the when you all were dating? Before you had kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And you didn't notice the when you all were dating? Before you had kids?

Even if he was young, dumb, and full of cum, what the fuck is awareness of that going to do in the here and now? I mean, it's not like we can hop in our hot tub time machine and make some changes that result in Lycos being my company's main competitor.

It could be she was OK w/o kids but the stress of having kids brought out the quick to take slight side of OP's DW. It could be OP was able to manage his wife and listen to the endless venting before kids, and is now sick of the ever-repeating cycle.

With that said, it's tough being married to someone who's a pill but able to maintain a regular enough life and doesn't have some easy-peasy personality disorder (and even then, shouldn't it be that person's responsibility to work around their disorder?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds very difficult.

You're her husband - really one of the only (if not the only) person who is in a position to call her out on this behavior and not back down.

I get that it sucked when you didn't talk for 36 hours. But I think you need to keep bringing it up, as gently and with as much compassion as possible.

It might not work, but it's your best shot of this improving. Let her know that you love her, that you know she means well, that you empathize with why she might have this pattern, and that you want to be there for her while she tries to improve it.

If she screams and runs away, remain gentle and firm about your position.

Start refusing to participate in situations where you know this pattern will play out. Tell her why you're refusing, again with the gentle and caring invitation that you'll support her when and if she decides to tackle the problem.

It's not your responsibility to "fix" her, but it is your responsibility not to enable the behavior by overlooking it.

Things might get ugly before they get better if you take my advice, but I personally think it's your only real choice.

Of course we all known any attempts to talk about this will result in an endless rehashing of past events, how people 5-10-15 years ago slighted her, and how maybe the problem lies with OP because it sure as fuck doesn't lie with her.

[Anonymous]

She's insecure and needy and immature. I've seen this too, and it's really destructive for the spouse if s/he is not able to see past it.

Is she resentful of your support network (friends/family)?