New in-law issue (need some guidance or to vent)

[Anonymous]

My dad is dying of cancer. He's in a hospice facility and is in his last days. Things are very, very bad right now and I am very close with both of my parents. My in-laws decided that they want to visit my dad in his hospice room to say goodbye. They have never been close to my dad and in fact my father-in-law openly dispises him and is horrible to him whenever they end up at the same event. My in-laws told me that the reason they want to see him is to say goodbye and "it's more for them than my dad". They have also complained about how they've tried calling my mom several times to offer their sympathies and she hasn't responded.

My dad is a shell of his former self and wouldn't want anyone seeing him in this condition. He is almost completely incoherent, has a catheter and has lost a tremendous amount of weight. He also can't communicate, is very confused and agitated and has taken to ripping off his blankets and hospital gown (pretty much laying in bed naked). Like I said, it's really really bad. And just so difficult to deal with a loved one in this condition. None of his friends have seen him since he took the turn for the worse and he wouldn't want them to.

I basically had to spend the entire conversation with my in-laws explaining to them why visiting my dad isn't a good idea and apologizing for my mom not getting back to them. They are pretty adamant that they want to come to say goodbye. I'm appalled by their request and their lack of consideration. They wanted to know the name of the facility (I didn't tell them) and I'm afraid they're going to call around and just show up.

It's just a really tough time and I'm not sure how to handle my in-laws without ruining the superficial relationship that I currently have with them. I'm thinking of chickening out and blaming the hospice, telling them that the nurses indicate he's too agitated with stimulation (which is actually true but we control it by leaving the room when he gets agitated). Thoughts?? (Please be gentle, it's a really tough time for me right now).

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry.

What I would do: 1. alert the hospice this is a possibility. Let them be the gatekeepers AKA the bad guys, if your in-laws show up unannounced (and uninvited).
2. Refuse to engage. This is about them, and their horrid manners. You have wasted enough time, trying to be pleasant and let them know the situation. They are not close to your father. They are absolutely not in the "right" here and their reasons are, frankly, offensive.
3. If things escalate, your husband must absolutely take your side on this.

Big hugs to you OP. Huge hugs. I'm sorry you have to watch your father in this state, and it's being compounded with these dolts.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pp totally - good advice above. I'm so very sorry op.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. We recently went through this with my mother and I was really afraid that my in-laws were going to do this. My FIL means well but his large family arrives in herds during times like this and my mother was in no state to be seen. Fortunately, FIL was very respectful of our wishes and gave us space.

Maybe it's better to be truthful and tell them that your father is in a really bad state and would not want to be seen as he is. After that, just tell them no. I wish you and your family peace.

[Anonymous]

I work in such a facility and by no means should you hesitate one more moment or feel badly on any way about calling the facility, explaining that your family wants no visitors (you can give them a list) and specifically request your inlaws on the no info/no visitor list.

Hospice is about care for the patient AND the family, and we want you to tell us all this. You need do this for your father and for yourself.
It happens all the time.
Please call.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth isn't your husband around to yell at his parents???

If he doesn't have the guts, you go ahead and say:
"Nobody is allowed to come, my father is in too much pain.
Give us some space during this very difficult time. Got to go, now, bye."
This is no time for excuses. They need to hear the truth, so maybe hopefully they won't be doing the same to somebody else.

And like PP said, warn the hospice that Mr and Mrs X, your inlaws, are barred from visiting.

[Anonymous]

Why can't your DH handle this, for heavens sake?

Tell him to deal with them and stop responding to their messages.

I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

have your husband tell them no, but this is important- tell them what they can do instead. Offer that your mom would appreciate a card knowing that they are thinking of them, etc.. They can choose to do this part or not, but take going to the hospice off the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, I'm so sorry.

What I would do: 1. alert the hospice this is a possibility. Let them be the gatekeepers AKA the bad guys, if your in-laws show up unannounced (and uninvited).
2. Refuse to engage. This is about them, and their horrid manners. You have wasted enough time, trying to be pleasant and let them know the situation. They are not close to your father. They are absolutely not in the "right" here and their reasons are, frankly, offensive.
3. If things escalate, your husband must absolutely take your side on this.

Big hugs to you OP. Huge hugs. I'm sorry you have to watch your father in this state, and it's being compounded with these dolts.

+1 million Especially the part that your husband needs to step up and tell his parents to back off--to back off from you and to back away from your dad. Shame on your in laws for doing this to you and your dad in this time of sorrow.

You sound like a good, protective daughter, OP. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

You need to have your husband deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why on earth isn't your husband around to yell at his parents???

If he doesn't have the guts, you go ahead and say:
"Nobody is allowed to come, my father is in too much pain.
Give us some space during this very difficult time. Got to go, now, bye."
This is no time for excuses. They need to hear the truth, so maybe hopefully they won't be doing the same to somebody else.

And like PP said, warn the hospice that Mr and Mrs X, your inlaws, are barred from visiting.

+1. It's time to be more firm and direct OP.

[Anonymous]

Definitely call the hospice and tell your DH to handle this.

But besides that, your ILs are so selfish it's disgusting and I'm sorry you even have to worry about this given what you're facing with your father. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. Good advice above. Tell them you will need support after he passes, but until then, you and your mother need space and respect for your wishes.

[Anonymous]

My sympathies OP. My father very nearly went to hospice last spring, and I totally understand why you want to protect his dignity in his final days. Anyone who has seen a parent deteriorate physically and mentally will understand.

The hospice people have seen it all before, and they are incredible vigilant about looking out for the best interests of the patient and the family. Their entire goal is to make your father as comfortable as possible, and to make sure you as his immediate family have the opportunity to see your father through this time with as much support as possible. They will be your best ally in this. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with awful ILs at such a difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, you poor thing. This is a game changer. Tell your spouse to call off this BS. This is a time to be with your family.

I suggest you start acting like a grown women and show them the door.

You do not need people who don't treat you with RESPECT.