New in-law issue (need some guidance or to vent)

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who advise letting the hospice handle this. I had a very similar thing happen to me, though my aunt and uncle played the role of your in-laws. I cut them off as a result. I know in-laws are a different type of relationship so I sympathize.

[Anonymous]

There's only 2 words that they will understand, and you have every right to use them. The next time it's brought up, just say "F_ck You"

They deserve it

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks for all the kind words and advice. DH saw my dad yesterday and is in total agreement that his parents should absolutely not come. I'll have him handle them. I was the one who they spoke with today so I'll put him on it to make sure they understand how inappropriate their "need to say goodbye" is this late in the game. I think if they'd seen him even a month ago it wouldn't have been that big of a deal but the last two weeks have been awful and he's not going to get any better.

I'll also call the hospice and let them know, just in case.

Thanks again DCUM, I was pretty upset earlier and now I have a good plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for all the kind words and advice. DH saw my dad yesterday and is in total agreement that his parents should absolutely not come. I'll have him handle them. I was the one who they spoke with today so I'll put him on it to make sure they understand how inappropriate their "need to say goodbye" is this late in the game. I think if they'd seen him even a month ago it wouldn't have been that big of a deal but the last two weeks have been awful and he's not going to get any better.

I'll also call the hospice and let them know, just in case.

Thanks again DCUM, I was pretty upset earlier and now I have a good plan.

I'm glad your husband is supporting you. God bless you and your family.

[Anonymous]

You are taking care of your dad and mom and your DH is taking care of you. May you find respite in the coming days.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP.

My beloved uncle was dying of cancer and didn't want people to come say goodbye to him. It was REALLY hard for me to abide by his wish, but ultimately I realized that it was his decision to make and that the least I could do was honor his wishes instead of putting my own wishes first. Why can't your in-laws see this?

Your DH has to be on this, and he has to make it clear that there is no universe in which it would be ok for them to go directly against your explicit wishes and against your father's wishes. In fact, your DH should extract a promise from his parents that they will not try to visit your father. If they want to say goodbye they can give your DH a note for you or a nurse to read to your dad. (And then you can decide whether to actually read it to him or not.)

Good luck with the rest of your goodbye to your father. My sympathies to you and your mother.

[Anonymous]

I think the key piece is as you said, that it's more for them than for your dad. They are obviously trying to make peace with themselves and are upset that it is obviously too late. Focus on yourself and your needs, let DH handle them but certainly advice the hospice that no guests are to be allowed without permission. Frankly it sounds like your dad would want his privacy with his immediate family now.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. Your in laws sound totally self absorbed and pretty awful. I hope your husband is able to get them to back off. Maybe he can suggest they send a card to say goodbye.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to the hospice staff social worker? Ours was amazing and so supportive of what we needed. Best of luck to you. I hope your DH steps up and protects you and your dad. I hope his passing is peaceful.

[Anonymous]

OP again- thanks for all the kind words. The hospice has been fabulous. I appreciate the sentiments from those who have been there. Nothing can prepare you to go through it. Thanks again, this has been really helpful on so many levels!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, I'm so sorry.

What I would do: 1. alert the hospice this is a possibility. Let them be the gatekeepers AKA the bad guys, if your in-laws show up unannounced (and uninvited).
2. Refuse to engage. This is about them, and their horrid manners. You have wasted enough time, trying to be pleasant and let them know the situation. They are not close to your father. They are absolutely not in the "right" here and their reasons are, frankly, offensive.
3. If things escalate, your husband must absolutely take your side on this.

Big hugs to you OP. Huge hugs. I'm sorry you have to watch your father in this state, and it's being compounded with these dolts.

+1m

OP, I am so sorry. My mother, who was a very private person, died in hospice several years ago under similar circumstances. She would have been horrified at the notion of my ILs "visiting" her in that situation.

Big hugs to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

This is perhaps beside the point, but I am furious for you. Furious that your father in law has made a point of being ugly to your father in the past and now wants to come say goodbye (for who knows what real reason). I wish someone would call him out on his past and current behavior although I know it probably won't make any difference and certainly won't assuage your grief. Some people are just miserable human beings. shameless.

[Anonymous]

OP, glad you have gotten good advice from this thread. The one thing I picked dup on is you saying you would apologize on your mother's behalf.

I think you are giving too much deference to others, rather than focusing on yourself, your mother and your father. Under no circumstance apologize for your mother not returning their calls. I would coldly say, if they have the audacity to bring it up to you, "Well. As you can imagine, she is busy." And simply not allow any other discussion of this. How dare they insert themselves at this time?

[Anonymous]

Be firm and very direct with them. Don't give them reasons why they can't go visit. Simply say "a visit is not welcome at this time". If they bitch about your mother simply say "she has a lot going on managing my father's care, I'm sure she's very glad you called but most likely won't be calling you back".

Blame any rudeness on grief which is 100% valid. I would have already lost it on them.

You need to make sure they realize you are SERIOUS about them not coming. Because I am pretty sure that will push you over from being nice and into "get the fuck out" territory.

I am so sorry about your Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have your husband deal with this.

This!