Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

Yes it’s rude and said to be deliberately hurtful. I stayed at home but not ready on purpose, and I envy moms who got to work and had great childcare. Honestly they all seem happier and less burnt out because parenting requires balance. Just ignore anyone using this phrasing.

The only working moms I envied were those whose children were watching by a local doting grandparent. But that was not my situation, so I stayed home. Yes we are less wealthy than we'd be if I worked, but we are doing just fine and I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

That was me. I only work part-time but their Gammy is everything to them. She would come over early and do the laundry, beds, etc (even though I said she shouldn’t, she just has excess energy). She plays endless games with them, go for three mile walks, watch those kiddie movies, just 100% focused on them. When my daughter was about three and I came home she would hide Gammy’s shoes or hang on to her leg.

They went to preschool 4 hours a day and that was enough. Money is ok for us but we never strived to be rich. I can see both sides. Some women are better off working, some are better off staying home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

Why would you be offended unless it hit a nerve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

But it’s not truthful. My kids went to daycare, and, sure, their daycare teachers, who were all wonderful, provided care during the workday. But my spouse and I made the decisions on how to parent, which included finding great caregivers.

+100

I will add that I view parenting as a team effort with our community. We have an amazing community.

[Anonymous]

This convo made me grateful I worked in the early years.

In the later years, I had the money to start a business, which gave me a flexible schedule. I was around a lot in the junior high and high school years and oldest kid really needed me in those high school years. They are fine now but it was rocky, and I’m glad I did not have to be gone 10-12 hours a day as my previous job required.

So that comment would not bother me. We all do what works for us and our families.

[Anonymous]

A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I’m not offended. I work and have childcare and I still feel this way. I’d prefer to be the one at home raising ’my kids but a) I’m not comfortable with the financial trade offs (including a significant reduction in the quality of education we’d be able to access if I didn’t work) and b) most careers, including mine, are difficult to return to after a gap at home caring for children.

Unless you have a very high earning spouse and can stay home without financial sacrifice, the decision about whether to stay home with kids or work and find childcare is a very difficult one.

This. The vast majority of jobs in America are not remote or hybrid. The NYT article linked below shows that in 2024, 10% of workers are fully remote, 10% are hybrid, and 80% are in office. There are many industries and roles that cannot and shouldn’t be remote. Some people on here sneer at surgeons but when you go to get a hip replacement you’ll be very grateful you’re not going to your surgeon’s house to go under the knife while kids eat pirate’s booty over you. Do you really want someone reviewing your tax returns from a lawn chair at their kid’s soccer game? Do you want traders trading from their living rooms while their kids are screaming about peanut butter crackers and not able to connect with their boss if they have questions because their boss’ core hours ended an hour ago? Some people have check the box deliverables that don’t require much collaboration, oversight, interaction, or in person collaboration but those people make up about 10% of the US workforce.

While mothers of young children comprise a larger percentage of remote workers the idea that women are working in remote roles so they can provide childcare to young children during their workday is ridiculous and feeds into negative stereotypes about people who work remotely, especially parents, taking advantage of flexwork to provide childcare and being less dedicated. The main benefit for many working parents of a remote or hybrid role is cutting out a commute, the average amount of daily commuting is 52 minutes total, which leads to more availability for children after working hours.

I don’t take offense to someone saying they don’t want their children raised by strangers and that’s why they stayed home because if your child is in childcare 9 hours a day during the week (this barely allows for a 9-5 workday and 52 minutes of commuting total) and you spend every weekend, federal holiday, and 25 days of vacation/sick days with them each year, you will spend just under 49% of daytime hours with them every year (assuming they sleep for 11 hours a night, or go to bed at 7:45 and wake up at 6:45).

I think what’s pretty sad is people not having the ability to understand that not everyone’s life is like their life and that their choices are not everyone else’s choices. You may be able to work remotely for five hours a day and you may never have to answer emails at 4 or 5 pm or need to take a meeting at 5:30 and your partner may never have to take a meeting at 8:30 or 10 am and neither of you may need to go into an office but this is not a common experience because it’s a) relatively recent and b) doesn’t hold for the vast majority of industries. For many people it is simply a choice of wanting to spend more time with their children when their children are young and either taking a very part time job or staying at home being the best option to make that happen.

We did make a financial sacrifice in order for me to stay home. I was making around $80k when I left the work force and I assume 15 years later, even without any extraordinary promotions I'd be making at least double that.

But we still have a very nice life and can afford to live more than comfortably on my husband's salary. But we are definitely not private school/country club/luxury car types, and wouldn't be even if I worked. So it feels like a worthy trade off to us. My husband works a normal schedule and is not remotely "absentee." In fact, he left BigLaw shortly after our oldest was born because of this. He typically works 40 hours a week, often less, and very rarely more only if there is something afoot at work. But its always short lived. He will be able to retire by 55. I don't know if he will choose to, but he'll have the option.

Honestly why did you respond to the previous post which said "not everyone else's choices are their choices" with this "we made financial sacrifices" humble brag? Sure you did, you could have had a lot more money. But people who can't live a "very nice life" "more than comfortably" on one salary may not be able to afford that "sacrifice" without giving up something pretty critical, like home ownership or ability to pay for their kids' dental care. Those are real sacrifices, not missing out on country club membership.

The DCUM blinkers are so so ridiculous sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

Honestly I try to avoid asking this of people unless they asked me first! I try to ask about other stuff to make conversation, or more general open ended "what have you been up to" questions. I don't want people to feel judged based on working/not working.

But if someone does start a conversation about work, I ask her back, and she says "I used to do X but right now I'm home with the kids," that's...totally fine? I will usually say something like "oh that's awesome" and then ask a follow up question about the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

“I stay at home with my kids.”

Why is this a complicated question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

“I stay at home with my kids.”

Why is this a complicated question?

I feel like SAHMs make things super complicated, maybe because they are out of practice in planning and executing complex things. A week’s worth of dinners can’t get cooked without 5 harried trips to the grocery store…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I’m not offended. I work and have childcare and I still feel this way. I’d prefer to be the one at home raising ’my kids but a) I’m not comfortable with the financial trade offs (including a significant reduction in the quality of education we’d be able to access if I didn’t work) and b) most careers, including mine, are difficult to return to after a gap at home caring for children.

Unless you have a very high earning spouse and can stay home without financial sacrifice, the decision about whether to stay home with kids or work and find childcare is a very difficult one.

This. The vast majority of jobs in America are not remote or hybrid. The NYT article linked below shows that in 2024, 10% of workers are fully remote, 10% are hybrid, and 80% are in office. There are many industries and roles that cannot and shouldn’t be remote. Some people on here sneer at surgeons but when you go to get a hip replacement you’ll be very grateful you’re not going to your surgeon’s house to go under the knife while kids eat pirate’s booty over you. Do you really want someone reviewing your tax returns from a lawn chair at their kid’s soccer game? Do you want traders trading from their living rooms while their kids are screaming about peanut butter crackers and not able to connect with their boss if they have questions because their boss’ core hours ended an hour ago? Some people have check the box deliverables that don’t require much collaboration, oversight, interaction, or in person collaboration but those people make up about 10% of the US workforce.

While mothers of young children comprise a larger percentage of remote workers the idea that women are working in remote roles so they can provide childcare to young children during their workday is ridiculous and feeds into negative stereotypes about people who work remotely, especially parents, taking advantage of flexwork to provide childcare and being less dedicated. The main benefit for many working parents of a remote or hybrid role is cutting out a commute, the average amount of daily commuting is 52 minutes total, which leads to more availability for children after working hours.

I don’t take offense to someone saying they don’t want their children raised by strangers and that’s why they stayed home because if your child is in childcare 9 hours a day during the week (this barely allows for a 9-5 workday and 52 minutes of commuting total) and you spend every weekend, federal holiday, and 25 days of vacation/sick days with them each year, you will spend just under 49% of daytime hours with them every year (assuming they sleep for 11 hours a night, or go to bed at 7:45 and wake up at 6:45).

I think what’s pretty sad is people not having the ability to understand that not everyone’s life is like their life and that their choices are not everyone else’s choices. You may be able to work remotely for five hours a day and you may never have to answer emails at 4 or 5 pm or need to take a meeting at 5:30 and your partner may never have to take a meeting at 8:30 or 10 am and neither of you may need to go into an office but this is not a common experience because it’s a) relatively recent and b) doesn’t hold for the vast majority of industries. For many people it is simply a choice of wanting to spend more time with their children when their children are young and either taking a very part time job or staying at home being the best option to make that happen.

We did make a financial sacrifice in order for me to stay home. I was making around $80k when I left the work force and I assume 15 years later, even without any extraordinary promotions I'd be making at least double that.

But we still have a very nice life and can afford to live more than comfortably on my husband's salary. But we are definitely not private school/country club/luxury car types, and wouldn't be even if I worked. So it feels like a worthy trade off to us. My husband works a normal schedule and is not remotely "absentee." In fact, he left BigLaw shortly after our oldest was born because of this. He typically works 40 hours a week, often less, and very rarely more only if there is something afoot at work. But its always short lived. He will be able to retire by 55. I don't know if he will choose to, but he'll have the option.

Honestly why did you respond to the previous post which said "not everyone else's choices are their choices" with this "we made financial sacrifices" humble brag? Sure you did, you could have had a lot more money. But people who can't live a "very nice life" "more than comfortably" on one salary may not be able to afford that "sacrifice" without giving up something pretty critical, like home ownership or ability to pay for their kids' dental care. Those are real sacrifices, not missing out on country club membership.

The DCUM blinkers are so so ridiculous sometimes.

Because many posters on this forum act like you can’t afford to SAH on less than $500k or something crazy. When I first SAH DH made $140k. He’s never once made $500k in a year.

[Anonymous]

Can we shift this a little? SAHMs, why are you so embarrassed about being a SAHM? Why are you ashamed to say "I don't work"? Why do you feel like you need to say "I'm the CEO of my household", "I am caregiver to my children", etc.? It's FINE that you don't work. It's just a choice that you made. You don't need to justify it. Just like I don't need to justify to you why I work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

“I stay at home with my kids.”

Why is this a complicated question?

My kids are 16 and 13. Does that change your answer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

This here tells me how insecure you are in your choice. I don't give a crap what you say as long as you don't imply that you are in some way superior to me because you're not, we just made different choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A question for working moms: if you ask a non-working mom "what do you do?" what do you prefer she says? Is there any response we could give that you would approve of? Just curious.

“I stay at home with my kids.”

Why is this a complicated question?

My kids are 16 and 13. Does that change your answer?

DP but what do you do all day? Answer with that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we shift this a little? SAHMs, why are you so embarrassed about being a SAHM? Why are you ashamed to say "I don't work"? Why do you feel like you need to say "I'm the CEO of my household", "I am caregiver to my children", etc.? It's FINE that you don't work. It's just a choice that you made. You don't need to justify it. Just like I don't need to justify to you why I work.

I don’t know any SAHM who talks like that. When my kids were little I said “I stay home with the kids.” Once they hit middle school, I changed it to “I don’t work.” I’m not remotely embarrassed. If anything I’m a little self conscious that we are living just as nice a life as our neighbors on one income instead of two.