I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.

[Anonymous]

My husband has been unemployed since June, goes to a lot of interviews but hasn't gotten 1 serious offer yet. He does some freelance work and we're getting by with that but just not as comfortable. In the mean time I have a long commute, dropping off and picking our kids from a family member's house (same general direction but adds on an hour round trip) and it makes logical sense that I do the pickup/drop off. I have asked that he does more house chores now that he's home most of the day but he does not agree that cleaning bathroom/changing bed sheets/mop the floor need to be done weekly or dishes/empty trash bins need to be done daily. The kids & I leave at 6:30 and we get home between 5-6 pm, the house is usually a mess while he's home all day (he's usually napping or watching TV). Other things that's driving me insane: I asked him to hang a picture on the wall and the box of nails is still on the dining table for our toddlers (2-3 year olds) to play with. He cut an apple for them and left a knife at the edge of the counter. He doesn't take the initiative to interact with our kids unless I suggest it.

Last night after dinner he asked me to do the dishes since he did it on Tuesday and doesn't feel like doing it again. So then I suggested that we split all the chores and pickup/drop off the kids equally which did not go well with him either (his argument is that none of these chores has to be done weekly). We canceled housekeeping service to save money but even when we had someone cleaning the house for us every other week, I still did all these chores on the "off" week. I'm just so fed up with having to live with a slob and all I could think about right now is to divorce him once he's employed again.

[Anonymous]

1) He sounds depressed.

2) Is there a reason why the kids are going to a family's members house right now, instead of staying home with him? Having something to do during the day might make him less depressed (sometimes being productive helps, sometimes it doesn't). Maybe the kids could stay home MWF, and go to the relative's house on T/Th? That way you're cutting an hour off your commute three days a week--that will help.

3) If he is at home, he should be job searching everyday, but there's no reason why he can't also take the trash out, or unload the dishwasher. But you should divide and conquer the heavy stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been unemployed since June, goes to a lot of interviews but hasn't gotten 1 serious offer yet. He does some freelance work and we're getting by with that but just not as comfortable. In the mean time I have a long commute, dropping off and picking our kids from a family member's house (same general direction but adds on an hour round trip) and it makes logical sense that I do the pickup/drop off. I have asked that he does more house chores now that he's home most of the day but he does not agree that cleaning bathroom/changing bed sheets/mop the floor need to be done weekly or dishes/empty trash bins need to be done daily. The kids & I leave at 6:30 and we get home between 5-6 pm, the house is usually a mess while he's home all day (he's usually napping or watching TV). Other things that's driving me insane: I asked him to hang a picture on the wall and the box of nails is still on the dining table for our toddlers (2-3 year olds) to play with. He cut an apple for them and left a knife at the edge of the counter. He doesn't take the initiative to interact with our kids unless I suggest it.

Last night after dinner he asked me to do the dishes since he did it on Tuesday and doesn't feel like doing it again. So then I suggested that we split all the chores and pickup/drop off the kids equally which did not go well with him either (his argument is that none of these chores has to be done weekly). We canceled housekeeping service to save money but even when we had someone cleaning the house for us every other week, I still did all these chores on the "off" week. I'm just so fed up with having to live with a slob and all I could think about right now is to divorce him once he's employed again.

DH here. Have you talked to him about it in a constructive way? Not coming off like you are upset/nagging him about it, a lot of DH's will take stuff like this as nagging. I don't know your dynamic but maybe really think about how he would react to this kind of feedback the best way, not the way you want to say it based on how pissed you are feeling (which is justified by the way). It is Incredibly hard and painful for a man to lose his job, it strikes at everything core to being a husband and father, so it is a really hard place to be in. Not an excuse but when I read this I don't see him being a slob or lazy, but having the core of who he is as a husband and father.

If he was like this before unemployment then a whole set of different issues, but if before losing work he wasn't like this all the time please be supportive and recognize that he probably feels worse about everything that is going on then you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been unemployed since June, goes to a lot of interviews but hasn't gotten 1 serious offer yet. He does some freelance work and we're getting by with that but just not as comfortable. In the mean time I have a long commute, dropping off and picking our kids from a family member's house (same general direction but adds on an hour round trip) and it makes logical sense that I do the pickup/drop off. I have asked that he does more house chores now that he's home most of the day but he does not agree that cleaning bathroom/changing bed sheets/mop the floor need to be done weekly or dishes/empty trash bins need to be done daily. The kids & I leave at 6:30 and we get home between 5-6 pm, the house is usually a mess while he's home all day (he's usually napping or watching TV). Other things that's driving me insane: I asked him to hang a picture on the wall and the box of nails is still on the dining table for our toddlers (2-3 year olds) to play with. He cut an apple for them and left a knife at the edge of the counter. He doesn't take the initiative to interact with our kids unless I suggest it.

Last night after dinner he asked me to do the dishes since he did it on Tuesday and doesn't feel like doing it again. So then I suggested that we split all the chores and pickup/drop off the kids equally which did not go well with him either (his argument is that none of these chores has to be done weekly). We canceled housekeeping service to save money but even when we had someone cleaning the house for us every other week, I still did all these chores on the "off" week. I'm just so fed up with having to live with a slob and all I could think about right now is to divorce him once he's employed again.

DH here. Have you talked to him about it in a constructive way? Not coming off like you are upset/nagging him about it, a lot of DH's will take stuff like this as nagging. I don't know your dynamic but maybe really think about how he would react to this kind of feedback the best way, not the way you want to say it based on how pissed you are feeling (which is justified by the way). It is Incredibly hard and painful for a man to lose his job, it strikes at everything core to being a husband and father, so it is a really hard place to be in. Not an excuse but when I read this I don't see him being a slob or lazy, but having the core of who he is as a husband and father rocked.

If he was like this before unemployment then a whole set of different issues, but if before losing work he wasn't like this all the time please be supportive and recognize that he probably feels worse about everything that is going on then you do.

[Anonymous]

BS with the depression. You got a lazy house husband. If he's home all day, his job now is to pick up the slack. Apparently he thinks he's too good to do that. I'll bet when he had a regular job he did less because the king worked.

If I were physically able and sat home all day, watched tv, napped, did nothing, my husband would divorce me. Quick.

Either tell him he helps around the house and with the kids or he's on his own. I'll be damned if I'd do anything for someone that did nothing for me. Give him one week to think it over then proceed.

And don't let it slide. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

[Anonymous]

Order the book "Between Two Worlds" for children of divorce.

Get a headhunter on board to get him a job.

You need to start counseling and creating a respectful, structured home life. If he is going to be chronically unemployed, conversely, you can start working on a structured homelife with two separate households.

Fix this is a mature way, stat. Stop whining and find a solution. This is WAY bigger than him being messy in the house. You both need to grow up and work as a team. Help him and YOUR FAMILY find a true footing again!!!

[Anonymous]

OP here.

The issue isn't new and he did much less around the house before he got laid off. It would be cruel to divorce now while he's struggling with finding work.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP here is my advice: you will lose the kids at least 50 percent of the time. You will also fork over a good bit of your income for child support and spousal support. You will still be responsible for everything but much, much poorer. Does that sound like a good idea?

I would operate as a single mother since you are going to be one either way. I would continue this until the kids were out of high school. The second the youngest walks across the stage, hand the SOB divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The issue isn't new and he did much less around the house before he got laid off. It would be cruel to divorce now while he's struggling with finding work.

PP here. Then my thoughts are invalid. If this isn't related to the layoff then he kind of sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been unemployed since June, goes to a lot of interviews but hasn't gotten 1 serious offer yet. He does some freelance work and we're getting by with that but just not as comfortable. In the mean time I have a long commute, dropping off and picking our kids from a family member's house (same general direction but adds on an hour round trip) and it makes logical sense that I do the pickup/drop off. I have asked that he does more house chores now that he's home most of the day but he does not agree that cleaning bathroom/changing bed sheets/mop the floor need to be done weekly or dishes/empty trash bins need to be done daily. The kids & I leave at 6:30 and we get home between 5-6 pm, the house is usually a mess while he's home all day (he's usually napping or watching TV). Other things that's driving me insane: I asked him to hang a picture on the wall and the box of nails is still on the dining table for our toddlers (2-3 year olds) to play with. He cut an apple for them and left a knife at the edge of the counter. He doesn't take the initiative to interact with our kids unless I suggest it.

Last night after dinner he asked me to do the dishes since he did it on Tuesday and doesn't feel like doing it again. So then I suggested that we split all the chores and pickup/drop off the kids equally which did not go well with him either (his argument is that none of these chores has to be done weekly). We canceled housekeeping service to save money but even when we had someone cleaning the house for us every other week, I still did all these chores on the "off" week. I'm just so fed up with having to live with a slob and all I could think about right now is to divorce him once he's employed again.

DH here. Have you talked to him about it in a constructive way? Not coming off like you are upset/nagging him about it, a lot of DH's will take stuff like this as nagging. I don't know your dynamic but maybe really think about how he would react to this kind of feedback the best way, not the way you want to say it based on how pissed you are feeling (which is justified by the way). It is Incredibly hard and painful for a man to lose his job, it strikes at everything core to being a husband and father, so it is a really hard place to be in. Not an excuse but when I read this I don't see him being a slob or lazy, but having the core of who he is as a husband and father.

If he was like this before unemployment then a whole set of different issues, but if before losing work he wasn't like this all the time please be supportive and recognize that he probably feels worse about everything that is going on then you do.

I've watched many men fall apart like this when they lose their jobs. And I just don't get it. It's hard for women to lose their jobs too. But women seem to be able to update and send out resumes even while bawling their eyes out. If he wants to be viewed as a tough guy, doing needed work around the house is it. That's a man who does what's needed to help his family. Sitting around all day watching TV is as emasculating as it gets. I don't get why so many men are so fragile.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, the problem here is that if you divorce over this, he could get alimony from you, he could continue not working, he could possibly get more custody because he's around more often and you'd have to pay for two households instead of one. That sucks.

So I would wait until he gets back to work before you think about divorcing him.

(A friend is being sued for alimony by the husband who sponged off of her for over three years and then left her for a younger woman. He is asking for a lot of money.)

[Anonymous]

OP, DH here was un/underemployed for a while and it almost tore our marriage in half. Took a big hit financially and truthfully, the marriage has never fully recovered.

No matter how well educated and urbane the woman, men are expected to be the breadwinners 90% of the time. Losing a job is like getting your balls cut off. But you really need to sit down with him PRONTO before it gets worse, and it will if you do not address this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, the problem here is that if you divorce over this, he could get alimony from you, he could continue not working, he could possibly get more custody because he's around more often and you'd have to pay for two households instead of one. That sucks.

So I would wait until he gets back to work before you think about divorcing him.

(A friend is being sued for alimony by the husband who sponged off of her for over three years and then left her for a younger woman. He is asking for a lot of money.)

Court always favors the mother, esp one who is employed and has help (family care) with the children. One look at the profile of the husband and it's clear that he's in no position to take care of the children. Alimony alone from the wife isn't going to be enough to cover the expenses. However, my advice for the OP is that you talk to your hubby now about the concerns, don't let it escalate, and make sure that he feels supported in his job hunt. It's not easy. As someone who was un(der)employed after completing a Masters, I felt like I wasn't bringing to the table as much as I knew I could earn, but as a female it wasn't as big of the issue. As others have pointed out, for a typical American family, the male of the household is still expected to be the breadwinner---maybe your hubby just lost his focus and his ambition, try to help him figure that out through positive communication. Seek friends or close non-judgmental family to help reign him in. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you are in this situation. My DH went through an eight month period of unemployment, it was rough on him, it was rough as a family. My DH is not super good with chores okay types but he did step up the game when I was the only one working. Still, I had to bite my toungue many times so that I don't end up damaging my marriage, my sincere suggestion is to go with the flow and cut him as much slack as you can. However, you can have an honest conversation where you say something like " DH, I understand what you are struggling with and I am here for you, at ll times, but it would be nice to tackle house stuff as a team" and then go on and give the list.

I wish you luck and much peace. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: As someone who was un(der)employed after completing a Masters, I felt like I wasn't bringing to the table as much as I knew I could earn, but as a female it wasn't as big of the issue.

How's the gravy train?