I need help not thinking about divorcing my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The issue isn't new and he did much less around the house before he got laid off. It would be cruel to divorce now while he's struggling with finding work.

OP, what ARE you getting out of this marriage? Because truthfully, it doesn't sound like he's a good husband, a good father, a good housemate, or a good friend. He sounds like he has a completely unrealistic view of his contributions, and he sounds like he has poor executive functioning and (at the very least) situational depression.

If there are things that make all of that worth while, then the reason NOT to divorce him is that thing, whatever it is. Otherwise, your reasons for not divorcing him could include having to pay him alimony and/or child support due to being the only one with an income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The issue isn't new and he did much less around the house before he got laid off. It would be cruel to divorce now while he's struggling with finding work.

OP, what ARE you getting out of this marriage? Because truthfully, it doesn't sound like he's a good husband, a good father, a good housemate, or a good friend. He sounds like he has a completely unrealistic view of his contributions, and he sounds like he has poor executive functioning and (at the very least) situational depression.

If there are things that make all of that worth while, then the reason NOT to divorce him is that thing, whatever it is. Otherwise, your reasons for not divorcing him could include having to pay him alimony and/or child support due to being the only one with an income.

Um, what about the fact that she MARRIED him? He has only been unemployed since June. This is a family crisis, no doubt, but divorce really should not be on the table at this point. OP KNOWS that, but is struggling (understandably) with negative feelings and wanting to run away. She wants to be reminded that giving into those feelings would be shitty all around and very likely also a bad idea for her in the future as well as her kids.

You, PP, are an *sshole.

[Anonymous]

Stop thinking about it because you are the only one employed and might have to pay his loser ass support. Wait till he gets a job and run fast. He is of poor character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop thinking about it because you are the only one employed and might have to pay his loser ass support. Wait till he gets a job and run fast. He is of poor character.

No doubt, he should file for divorce while the getting's good so he can collect not only alimony but child support and receive at least joint custody as well. Great idea!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for pointing out all the facts. It's just what I needed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The issue isn't new and he did much less around the house before he got laid off. It would be cruel to divorce now while he's struggling with finding work.

OP, what ARE you getting out of this marriage? Because truthfully, it doesn't sound like he's a good husband, a good father, a good housemate, or a good friend. He sounds like he has a completely unrealistic view of his contributions, and he sounds like he has poor executive functioning and (at the very least) situational depression.

If there are things that make all of that worth while, then the reason NOT to divorce him is that thing, whatever it is. Otherwise, your reasons for not divorcing him could include having to pay him alimony and/or child support due to being the only one with an income.

Um, what about the fact that she MARRIED him? He has only been unemployed since June. This is a family crisis, no doubt, but divorce really should not be on the table at this point. OP KNOWS that, but is struggling (understandably) with negative feelings and wanting to run away. She wants to be reminded that giving into those feelings would be shitty all around and very likely also a bad idea for her in the future as well as her kids.

You, PP, are an *sshole.

Did you read the OP? He doesn't interact with the kids unless pressed. He doesn't do housework. She doesn't say one positive thing about him in her entire post. I'm sure that her post is filtered through her own resentment, but what she describes already sounds shitty all around, both now and in the future. So you can call me an asshole, but the fact that she married him doesn't make the marriage satisfying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BS with the depression. You got a lazy house husband. If he's home all day, his job now is to pick up the slack. Apparently he thinks he's too good to do that. I'll bet when he had a regular job he did less because the king worked.

If I were physically able and sat home all day, watched tv, napped, did nothing, my husband would divorce me. Quick.

Either tell him he helps around the house and with the kids or he's on his own. I'll be damned if I'd do anything for someone that did nothing for me. Give him one week to think it over then proceed.

And don't let it slide. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

+1

F the depressed nonsense. He's lazy and entitled. I've been sahm for years (back at work now) and I'd damn well expect my DH to do the same things I did while I was at home. You are doing way, way, way too much considering he's at home. And why the heck aren't the kids with him during the day? Yes, the dishes and trash need to be done daily....

[Anonymous]

I would have him drive the kids to the family member's house and pick them up. This will mean he has them during the day and can do things with them, story time and the like. It also means that he can have them go to the family member's house when he needs/wants to look for work. He can't look for work all day everyday and if he has the kids around they will provide some comfort and structure for his days. There is very little for a healthy adult to do during the workday unless it's working or raising children. I can understand why he'd be depressed, which doesn't mean his behavior should be allowed to continue. If he won't have the kids some of the time, I really would think of divorce. He is using the bennifits of marriage to his advantage and contributing nothing, not childcare, not housework, not emotional love and companionship. Time to buck up.

[Anonymous]

So some of the posters here are seriously just dismissing depression in an unemployed spouse? You all are seriously suggesting that OP just get rid of her "loser" husband who she MARRIEd and had KIDS with? You do realize she wasn't forced to do those things, yes?

If you choose to marry someone and have kids with them and you hit a bump in the road, in your whacked minds just how long do you think you should endure said bump? 1 month? 2?

You know barely anything about this poster and her situation, and you are immediately suggested she shit-can her husband because during this period she isn't "getting anything" out of the marriage?

I am disgusted.

[Anonymous]

OP - If your insurance will cover counseling, then I would suggest you in a calm manner share your concerns about him and yourself and suggest that it would be positive to have a neutral person help both of you flesh out your feelings and concerns and come up with a plan because right now things are not working. Also in his field is he doing activities which could help him make connections? The other aspect is that if he is not working in his field why can't he sign up to be a substitute teacher? Why can't he use his skills set in volunteering with a non-profit. Whether he is depressed or lazy, he needs to create a daily/weekly routine of activity that will get him moving:

- to continue to actively look for a job
- to do something positive/productive that he can talk to you about
- to carry his part of child care/household/yard tasks - with so much free time now
- to stay physically fit

In the discussion if he will not carry the load of household tasks, then offer him the choice as mentioned of at least picking up the kids at daycare, getting dinner ready and caring for them at night. If he is unwilling to share some sort of an arrangement on tasks, this will be a real flag for you. But right now it is true you would be the one to suffer financially
the most. I do hope that you are in charge of the finances because right now the level of trust in him is just lacking.

[Anonymous]

Please dump him. What a fucking loser.

I hope he is not expecting sex from you on top of it. Goodness, I would have shown him the door long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The issue isn't new and he did much less around the house before he got laid off. It would be cruel to divorce now while he's struggling with finding work.

OP, what ARE you getting out of this marriage? Because truthfully, it doesn't sound like he's a good husband, a good father, a good housemate, or a good friend. He sounds like he has a completely unrealistic view of his contributions, and he sounds like he has poor executive functioning and (at the very least) situational depression.

If there are things that make all of that worth while, then the reason NOT to divorce him is that thing, whatever it is. Otherwise, your reasons for not divorcing him could include having to pay him alimony and/or child support due to being the only one with an income.

+1

[Anonymous]

*WHY* are the kids being dropped off at a family's members house while your husband is home all day? Do your kids just enjoy waking up at 6:30 am?

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry this man? Why did you have kids with him?

[Anonymous]

"So some of the posters here are seriously just dismissing depression in an unemployed spouse?"

Well, on one hand, when I first saw that this hasn't been going on very long I though OP was overreacting. But on the other, sometimes we don't know our spouse's true character until we face a crisis, and what OP is seeing is not pretty.

In terms of "depression," if this has been going on since the unemployment started then it seems this is an issue of character, because it does take a bit time for depression to kick in.