what happens to my brother when my parents die?
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Anonymous
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My older brother is 47 years old and lives in my parents' converted garage.
He is highly educated but has not worked for years. He's got some form of delusional disorder where he thinks he's a businessman but he actually doesn't do anything. He has no means of supporting himself. Everything he has -- leased car, food, apartment with utilities, health insurance -- comes from my parents. They're not rich and won't leave him much as far as I know (I don't expect to get anything and if I did I'd put it in trust for him). I've been worrying about what will happen when my parents die. They are 69 and 73 so it's not imminent, but he should outlive them. I can't afford to support him and I think he's too delusional to let me help him anyway. Every few months or so he asks me to help find him a lawyer for an apparently imaginary legal issue that varies in nature but is always about his money being tied up with bad, dishonest people. I used to offer to pay his heating bills directly, buy him groceries, and help him sign up for government supports but he only ever wanted some lawyer. Today I asked my father point blank what he thought would happen to my brother and he was very callous about it. I really don't think he cares what happens. So in short: brother too mentally ill to hold a job; won't inherit enough money for the next few decades of his life; will resist if I try to help him get assistance; and I don't have the money to support him. I can see him ending up homeless. What can be done? |
Anonymous
| He will probably end up on Disability, which will give him money to pay bills. |
Anonymous
| NAMI.org might give you some guidance. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| This is more common than you think. My mentally ill middle brother was depends on my parents this way. I begged them to set up a trust for his care once they are gone. He actually got sicker and became more paranoid and is now homeless, but I worry that he'll reappear when they are 90 or dead. You definitely want them to put a plan in place now. Work with NAMI to identify potential long term needs and a good lawyer. |
Anonymous
| I had a cousin in a similar situation but he had no siblings. His parents found an assisted living facility before they died. He has his own apartment but people check up on him and help him with daily tasks. His parents did not have money and I believe his care is paid for by a combination of Medicaid and disability benefits. |
Anonymous
This requires that OP's brother acknowledges he has a mental health condition, gets a diagnosis, is willing to apply for disability, and then gets approved. Right now it doesn't sound like any of that is the case. Unless he becomes a threat to himself or others, OP won't be able to compel him to do anything. |
Anonymous
He just has to allow for the process. There are plenty of people receiving disability who don't understand that they have a mental health condition that requires it. Getting a social worker involved will help give you and your parents an idea of where things may stand. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I spent a couple of years trying to persuade him to meet with a social worker to talk about applying for benefits. It came to nothing. He believes he has these assets that are tied up in a legal dispute and that he needs a lawyer to get them for him. He believes the assets are so significant he would not qualify for any form of public benefit. He believes this so strongly that when he was charged with a crime he wouldn't admit he qualified for a public defender. My parents ended up paying out of pocket for a very good private attorney (brother didn't do any jail time).
When I've spoken to them about getting him some form of assistance they say he's "getting it together," which generally means he's been helping around the house a little bit or they aren't currently fighting. My parents don't have the money for an assisted living apartment or a trust. I don't know how much they actually have but I do know they couldn't maintain him anywhere other than their property. He's never been homeless and I don't know whether it'd be easier to get him into the benefits system if he couldn't hunker down on their property and pretend nothing was going on. |
Anonymous
+1 This, OP. |
Anonymous
Your parents are enabling your brother, OP. You might end up taking him in while he gets on his feet. Meaning, when your parents die, you might end up doing the paperwork to get your brother on his own. It will be time consuming and difficult. ITA with PP that you need to get him into a group home situation, but I don't know if you have anyone in your family on your side, so it will be difficult. You have some great advice here. Start with NAMI. GL. |
Anonymous
| File for disability now. |
Anonymous
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"They are 69 and 73 so it's not imminent," -- for planning purposes, you better assume it will happen within the next five years. You idea that they will live for a "few decades" more is statistically unlikely.
"I asked my father point blank what he thought would happen to my brother and he was very callous about it." -- not sure why he should care. He has done all he can do. I'm trying to understand how the brother had enough organization and motivation to get highly educated but then failed totally after that. Did the mental illness arise in his mid to late 20s or something? |
Anonymous
OP here. They will not live a couple of decades. I was saying he will live a couple of decades after they die. He got in trouble in high school and college but was so smart it was easy for him to graduate. Went to a good business school in his 20s, same deal. He never held a job for more than two years after that and all of the jobs ended with mysterious legal battles that my mom blamed on the big bad world being unfair to him. Fast (slow) forward around 2010 and he could no longer even run a small business while living with my parents. Decades of toxic enabling plus whatever was in his makeup to begin with. He won't agree to see anyone at a mental health non-profit (I tried in 2011) and my mother won't tell him he's ill. When I mention it she says I'm "jealous" of the attention she gives him. I'm in my 40s, with job, home, spouse, child, and friends. She's created him, I know. He hasn't existed outside of their dynamic for so long I don't know if he can comprehend life outside the bubble. Maybe this was just a vent. I sound solution-resistant like he is but I'm not. I've hit so many dead ends. I don't think he'd live with me once they were gone. He'd probably keep their home until the money for mortgage ran out. She won't sell -- dad wants to. Selling would add to the savings; house is huge and expensive to maintain. But then they wouldn't have the outbuilding where he's been doing better than in their home. Anyone ever given up on a relative? My father has but he's got it easier. With his state of health he'll be gone within a decade. He won't see the years of decline after that. |
Anonymous
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Honestly, OP, it sounds like you've gone above and beyond already. I would take a step back and try not to think about him, as best you can. Nothing will change as long as your parents are living.
You are not responsible for your brother. Keep repeating that to yourself. It's obvious you're a good person who doesn't like to see others suffer, but you'll only end up suffering too if you don't distance yourself from this. After your parents die, if your brother comes to you in some concrete way, then you can offer your assistance. Until then, cut ties. |