what happens to my brother when my parents die?
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Anonymous
Disability is not going to come looking for him to get him enrolled, this man is going to have to get a little involved in his own needs |
Anonymous
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OP here. I'm not "unwilling" to apply. I could not get him to any kind of appointment in close to two years of trying. He voluntarily committed himself for one thanksgiving weekend and got out with a prescription and referrals to mental health professionals. Went two one counseling session and quit. You really can't apply for disability for someone who won't get in a room with anyone who is authorized to enroll him in benefits. He actually doesn't mind medication. Unfortunately he also sold it, a practice upon which MD law looks unfavorably as it turns out.
I don't know why it's hard for people to understand that you can't force a person to go where he doesn't want to go. This isn't a five-year-old child. If I duped him into going somewhere and "somewhere" ended up being a government office or a social worker he'd hightail it out of there. A couple of years ago it took me three different trips to MD to help him clear his traffic tickets and overdue registeation penalty so he could get his license reinstated. He stood me up twice -- and this was for an errand he ASKED me to help him with. I talked to the social services agencies in his county, tried to get the family minister to find us a liaison of some kind, asked his criminal defense attorney to try to make it look more attractive to get the benefits while their case was still going on, asked his crazy ex girlfriend to help (and offered her money if she could get him motIvated). As some have suggested my parents make the situation even worse. I've asked them to withhold cash until he goes and gets set up with more mental health care and only pay him when he shows them a receipt for counseling appointments but they refuse. |
Anonymous
But he's OK with Obamacare. Interesting |
Anonymous
| I'm not sure he knows it's Obamacare. My dad got it for him and all of the paperwork is from a private insurance company. |
Anonymous
| Your dilemma is that unless he is a danger to him or others, he is not necessarily commitable; making it difficult to get him the services he needs. |
Anonymous
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OP I agree w/ much of what 17:51 said.
FWIW, I believe that you are quite limited in what you can do - given everything you have described. I have a sufficiently screwed up family myself that helps me totally empathize with your situation. So my advice is to save yourself. Accept that you cannot force any of these adults to do what you think should seem obvious. Accept that given two parents and your brother who are all completely against everything you suggest, you actually can't do anything except make yourself miserable. And then let yourself off the hook. For right now your brother is safe and cared for. At some point in the future that won't be the case, but you don't know how soon (or not) that will happen, and you don't know exactly what that will look like. (Your mother could outlive your father by 10 or 20 years and keep up the dynamics w/ your brother that whole time. Your brother could spiral in some way that triggers something that changes the situation. Etc...) Let it go as much as possible. Go find someone you can talk with about how YOU can survive your family reality, and how you can avoid losing yourself or your depriving your own nuclear family of what they deserve, in this process. You can also (with your husband) prepare for your worst case scenario = whatever that is. Have a plan in place that you can activate if that scenario happens, and then put it aside until it's needed. Maybe that's a list of critical phone numbers and agencies to call as soon as your parents die, maybe it's a little stash of savings to keep your brother in his home until or if you can make other arrangements, maybe it's just a good supportive therapist for you with whom you build a relationship now so you can seek support there anytime you need it. And go live your life. Don't run the risk of still being agonized or stressed about all of this 5 or 10 years from now, only to discover that nothing has changed and you wasted time and energy that could have been far better spent on people you can help and things you can enjoy. Hang in there. Don't become a martyr to your parent' or brother's cause. |
Anonymous
Why isn't he on disability now? |
Anonymous
Have you read the whole thread? |
Anonymous
| OP -- will your parents not have the house paid fully in a few years? My husband's uncle is in similar situation to your brother. But after grandparents passed away they left him totally paid house. He manages to rent out some of the bedrooms that gets enough for him to pay property taxes, food and gas (grandma's car is somehow still going). I'm told the house is a mess and smells horribly, but somehow he still is getting paid roommates, and the current family that he rented out part of the house to even cooks for him... The uncle though somehow does get some Medicaid stuff, so he has filed for disability in one shape or form (he also weighs like 400lb which is another problem)... Is something like this even possibility for you? Like for him to have a free and clear house? Maybe your parents can move into less expensive area... |
Anonymous
| OP, go online and apply. Send in the documentation and let them know when the time comes he cannot go for the appointment due to the mental illness. You may be able to get his doctors or just use his medical records. Try before you say it cannot be done. You haven't tried. He needs to have any kind of income to get into other programs. If you get him on disability he can get medicare and possibly medicaid depending on where you live and how much he gets. Bottomline is you keep waiting for someone else to do it and they are not. You are family and you need to do it or stop complaining about it. No social worker is going to do it. No pastor is going to do it. Go online, apply, and deal with it. |
Anonymous
The house probably won't be paid off. They took a few home equity loans over the years. My dad says the property taxes are $8,000 a year and the house costs close to $9,000 to heat. Since he's in an apartment over an outbuilding I don't think keeping the whole thing would make sense. They are not in a particularly expensive area (Baltimore County) nor are they in a walkable area or even one near public transportation where room rental would be an attractive option. The place would be pretty expensive to maintain. I do think, though, that the key here will be to get my parents to make some provision to get the thing sold and the proceeds put in a trust when they're gone. That is easier said than done, but it could be a lower hurdle than getting my brother into the system. Reading my own posts and the responses I'm reminded of why I gave up a couple of years ago. It's so hard to get anything to change. Letting go makes sense. I knew that then, but I let myself get panicked about him again because (a) his birthday just passed; (b) I saw my dad and he has clearly made no plans of any kind. Knowing that my concerns are quite valid threw me off; and (c) holidays are coming around and this is when I really miss the brother I used to have. |
Anonymous
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"deal with it" PP-- you do know that it would be illegal for my brother's physicians to give me his medical records, don't you?
The state social services agencies told me as much. But by all means tell me I didn't try. I only spent years trying. SMFH. |
Anonymous
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I understand OP. I used to work in the area of public benefits. Your situation is common, and it sucks. You're right, you won't be able to trick him into showing up for an appointment. And youre right you can't get his existing medical records. PP is clueless. As if the SSA is going to say "ohhhhhh sure, I'll just take your word for it. He's eligible!" Lol. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'm sure you've tried this but how would he feel about going on disability "temporarily, " you know, until he can free up all that money? You and your parents might need to write collateral letters explaining that this money does not exist (if he says he owns a sum of money, they could hold up the application waiting for verification of it.) |
Anonymous
| Honestly OP, after reading the responses you gave and considering what you have provided so far, I'm inclined to say that all you are doing at this point is enabling your brother and making the situation worse. Don't help him with his tickets. Don't get him out of his next mess. When he gets picked up maybe it will be the nudge in the right direction your brother (or at least your parents since your brother prob won't understand) needs. IDK what else to tell you. People have given lot's of advice on here that you have either already tried or seem unwilling to try out of frustration. It's time to take a step back imo. |
Anonymous
Also, disability pays squat so of parents don't have much assets it's going to be rough road for living. Get money into trust now or have them buy him a cheap ass house in Detroit or Florida where houses go for $70k. Then he will have no assets but a place to live so qualify for ssi. If he ends up with non-trust cash then it will prevent ssi until he fritters it away and ends up in section 8. If you do have a trust, who is executor? You? You want to control and direct you business-man wanna be brother how he spends his money? That will be interesting role. And know what, being a risk to yourself doesn't get you much but 7 day hold at county psych ward. My sibling has several attempts but once they say 'I'm ok' out they go. |