what happens to my brother when my parents die?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:File for disability now.

You obviously have no idea how that works.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd be more concerned about your parents' ability to care for themselves in the event of serious illness or incapacitation. I've been dealing with some form of parental illness for 15 years now. Your parents may be in fantastic shape now physically and mentally but please take it from me, this can change radically and without warning once they are in their 60s and 70s. My parents had sufficient resources to give them every option for care -- if your brother is dependent on your parents' income and home, that's going to severely limit whether they will have the resources for memory care or skilled nursing care or even just pursuing the best treatments for a serious illness. You need to be having that conversation with them, now.

I understand that you're worried about what will come for your brother, but you need to think about your parents first (since they are his caretakers.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd be more concerned about your parents' ability to care for themselves in the event of serious illness or incapacitation. I've been dealing with some form of parental illness for 15 years now. Your parents may be in fantastic shape now physically and mentally but please take it from me, this can change radically and without warning once they are in their 60s and 70s. My parents had sufficient resources to give them every option for care -- if your brother is dependent on your parents' income and home, that's going to severely limit whether they will have the resources for memory care or skilled nursing care or even just pursuing the best treatments for a serious illness. You need to be having that conversation with them, now.

I understand that you're worried about what will come for your brother, but you need to think about your parents first (since they are his caretakers.)

It's kind of you to assume I would take care of them. I will not.

I believe they have long-term care insurance. When my dad goes it will be fast. He had a quintuple bypass in 2008 and has had two angioplasties since then for minor cardiac episodes. He's obese, smokes, and drinks.

My mother will have to deal with whatever may come. She broke my only brother; I just can't be around her.

[Anonymous]

Posting again to add that while he's at home he doesn't cost them much. Utilities for the apartment, food, car lease, health insurance for which he has an Obamacare subsidy (my republican father is torn about that).

If they were incapacitated and lost the house he'd be out on the street but as I said above, I can't be a part of that set of issues.

[Anonymous]

You can go online and file for him. Then help him with the paperwork and just take him or have you parents take him to the doctor's appointments. I did it for a family member. It can take years to get disability so do it now. Then, you apply for low income housing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:File for disability now.

You obviously have no idea how that works.

You obviously don't know how it works. I did it for a family member. You go online, do it, send or bring in a few documents to the office (you can mail them), then they go to a few medical appointments and then wait for a decision and then get a lawyer to appeal if denied (the lawyers are all on contingency).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can go online and file for him. Then help him with the paperwork and just take him or have you parents take him to the doctor's appointments. I did it for a family member. It can take years to get disability so do it now. Then, you apply for low income housing.

I tried this for over a year. He refused. He will not go to any appointment or allow anyone to visit and get the process started. I appreciate how bizarre and unthinkable that is but there is no way to get him out the door to an appointment and if he won't show up they won't just start cutting checks.

I don't think he'd even cash the checks. He's a conservative too and believes he's a self-made wealthy guy who just needs the right lawyer to get his assets back and that the government would charge him with fraud if he "pretended" to be poor. But he has nothing. Not even a credit card. My mother gave him a gas card and keeps a small bank account for him in her name.

Ok I'm making myself too upset. Lord. It's been like watching someone die for years. Or the walking dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go online and file for him. Then help him with the paperwork and just take him or have you parents take him to the doctor's appointments. I did it for a family member. It can take years to get disability so do it now. Then, you apply for low income housing.

I tried this for over a year. He refused. He will not go to any appointment or allow anyone to visit and get the process started. I appreciate how bizarre and unthinkable that is but there is no way to get him out the door to an appointment and if he won't show up they won't just start cutting checks.

I don't think he'd even cash the checks. He's a conservative too and believes he's a self-made wealthy guy who just needs the right lawyer to get his assets back and that the government would charge him with fraud if he "pretended" to be poor. But he has nothing. Not even a credit card. My mother gave him a gas card and keeps a small bank account for him in her name.

Ok I'm making myself too upset. Lord. It's been like watching someone die for years. Or the walking dead.

So lie to him about why you guys are going out...tell him you are meeting the Nigerian prince that has been tying up his assets for so long to finally settle the issue =S...idk tbh it sounds like it would be difficult.

Has he already been formally diagnosed? From what you've written is sounds like he has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go online and file for him. Then help him with the paperwork and just take him or have you parents take him to the doctor's appointments. I did it for a family member. It can take years to get disability so do it now. Then, you apply for low income housing.

I tried this for over a year. He refused. He will not go to any appointment or allow anyone to visit and get the process started. I appreciate how bizarre and unthinkable that is but there is no way to get him out the door to an appointment and if he won't show up they won't just start cutting checks.

I don't think he'd even cash the checks. He's a conservative too and believes he's a self-made wealthy guy who just needs the right lawyer to get his assets back and that the government would charge him with fraud if he "pretended" to be poor. But he has nothing. Not even a credit card. My mother gave him a gas card and keeps a small bank account for him in her name.

Ok I'm making myself too upset. Lord. It's been like watching someone die for years. Or the walking dead.

I'm so, so, sorry, OP. How awful that you have had this dropped in your lap. I've dealt with similar stuff. Hang in there. Don't blame yourself if you can only deal with this stuff in very small doses, it's a warranted means of self-protection.

[Anonymous]

I m sorry for your situation. I understand your concern for your brother, but I think your parents eventual decline will force some realities to the forefront. Educate yourself on the legalities of the disability process so that you can be of some help to your brother when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go online and file for him. Then help him with the paperwork and just take him or have you parents take him to the doctor's appointments. I did it for a family member. It can take years to get disability so do it now. Then, you apply for low income housing.

I tried this for over a year. He refused. He will not go to any appointment or allow anyone to visit and get the process started. I appreciate how bizarre and unthinkable that is but there is no way to get him out the door to an appointment and if he won't show up they won't just start cutting checks.

I don't think he'd even cash the checks. He's a conservative too and believes he's a self-made wealthy guy who just needs the right lawyer to get his assets back and that the government would charge him with fraud if he "pretended" to be poor. But he has nothing. Not even a credit card. My mother gave him a gas card and keeps a small bank account for him in her name.

Ok I'm making myself too upset. Lord. It's been like watching someone die for years. Or the walking dead.

Ok, so you aren't willing to help or get it. HE IS MENTALLY ILL. He is not capable of doing this himself. I flew cross country to do the online paperwork for my relative. You can go online and do it. They schedule the doctor appointment and you just need to take him. You have the money deposited in an account and you or your parents become representative payee and manage the money for him. He doesn't need to know about the money. You just need to get him to one doctors appt. You do the application online and just need to send in a few documents like birth certificate, SS card, etc. He cannot do this himself. No one is visiting. Step up and help him or stop complaining about what will happen. He will become homeless and live on the streets or in a homeless shelter if you do not help him get on disability and low income housing. If he says that stuff to the evaluator, its obvious he has a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go online and file for him. Then help him with the paperwork and just take him or have you parents take him to the doctor's appointments. I did it for a family member. It can take years to get disability so do it now. Then, you apply for low income housing.

I tried this for over a year. He refused. He will not go to any appointment or allow anyone to visit and get the process started. I appreciate how bizarre and unthinkable that is but there is no way to get him out the door to an appointment and if he won't show up they won't just start cutting checks.

I don't think he'd even cash the checks. He's a conservative too and believes he's a self-made wealthy guy who just needs the right lawyer to get his assets back and that the government would charge him with fraud if he "pretended" to be poor. But he has nothing. Not even a credit card. My mother gave him a gas card and keeps a small bank account for him in her name.

Ok I'm making myself too upset. Lord. It's been like watching someone die for years. Or the walking dead.

Ok, so you aren't willing to help or get it. HE IS MENTALLY ILL. He is not capable of doing this himself. I flew cross country to do the online paperwork for my relative. You can go online and do it. They schedule the doctor appointment and you just need to take him. You have the money deposited in an account and you or your parents become representative payee and manage the money for him. He doesn't need to know about the money. You just need to get him to one doctors appt. You do the application online and just need to send in a few documents like birth certificate, SS card, etc. He cannot do this himself. No one is visiting. Step up and help him or stop complaining about what will happen. He will become homeless and live on the streets or in a homeless shelter if you do not help him get on disability and low income housing. If he says that stuff to the evaluator, its obvious he has a problem.

Not OP. How do you "take" a grown man who is presumably around the size and strength of an average adult male anywhere that he does not want to go? If you show up and say something like, hey, I need you to come somewhere with me... how do you react to a simple "no"? It's not like OP can just pick him up, carry him to the car, stuff him in, then drag him through the parking lot into the doctor's office. If he's refusing all help, there's very little OP can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go online and file for him. Then help him with the paperwork and just take him or have you parents take him to the doctor's appointments. I did it for a family member. It can take years to get disability so do it now. Then, you apply for low income housing.

I tried this for over a year. He refused. He will not go to any appointment or allow anyone to visit and get the process started. I appreciate how bizarre and unthinkable that is but there is no way to get him out the door to an appointment and if he won't show up they won't just start cutting checks.

I don't think he'd even cash the checks. He's a conservative too and believes he's a self-made wealthy guy who just needs the right lawyer to get his assets back and that the government would charge him with fraud if he "pretended" to be poor. But he has nothing. Not even a credit card. My mother gave him a gas card and keeps a small bank account for him in her name.

Ok I'm making myself too upset. Lord. It's been like watching someone die for years. Or the walking dead.

Ok, so you aren't willing to help or get it. HE IS MENTALLY ILL. He is not capable of doing this himself. I flew cross country to do the online paperwork for my relative. You can go online and do it. They schedule the doctor appointment and you just need to take him. You have the money deposited in an account and you or your parents become representative payee and manage the money for him. He doesn't need to know about the money. You just need to get him to one doctors appt. You do the application online and just need to send in a few documents like birth certificate, SS card, etc. He cannot do this himself. No one is visiting. Step up and help him or stop complaining about what will happen. He will become homeless and live on the streets or in a homeless shelter if you do not help him get on disability and low income housing. If he says that stuff to the evaluator, its obvious he has a problem.

Not OP. How do you "take" a grown man who is presumably around the size and strength of an average adult male anywhere that he does not want to go? If you show up and say something like, hey, I need you to come somewhere with me... how do you react to a simple "no"? It's not like OP can just pick him up, carry him to the car, stuff him in, then drag him through the parking lot into the doctor's office. If he's refusing all help, there's very little OP can do.

OP, your situation is heartbreaking.

I agree with the last PP above and with you, OP: You cannot just drag him off for help. And I note that someone else above posted that you could tell him that you're actually going to meet with someone who shafted him (or with a lawyer you finally got him, I guess that would be another possible lie to get him to a mental health professional)...BUT if you do that, and he actually believes you and agrees to go, then you show him into a doctor's office and not that fictional lawyer's office -- OP, if you do that, YOU will become the enemy, part of the great conspiracy to tie up his imaginary money, etc. etc. Don't make up a tale to get him to help or it will backfire.

Truly, get to NAMI and get some referrals -- for you, not him, not yet -- to someone who can help you figure out what you can and cannot do for an adult who is not harming himself physically, not threatening harm to anyone else, and probably appears to outsiders like he's someone who is a bit "off" but capable of functioning. A mental health/social work professional who has worked with family members in your position before--that's the kind of person with whom you need to consult.

Tragically you might find that unless or until your brother threatens someone else, or himself, there may be nothing you can do at all. I hope that's not the case. But I don't see how you can, as others are saying, simply dupe or force an adult to "go with you" to a doctor he insists he does not need.

I'm especially sorry that your parents are checked out (dad) and enabling (mom). They likely are so very tired of him that they simply go from day to day and if they're not arguing with him it's a good day, so low have their standards for a "good day" dropped.

Get to NAMI and whatever professionals can hear this story and advise you. He may have to end up homeless before you can do anything for him. I hate to say it but it may be the case.

[Anonymous]

He is likely on the schizophrenic spectrum. You need to get him diagnosed NOW and on medication quickly and make sure he takes it daily. If he can't hold a job then he could go on Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go online and file for him. Then help him with the paperwork and just take him or have you parents take him to the doctor's appointments. I did it for a family member. It can take years to get disability so do it now. Then, you apply for low income housing.

I tried this for over a year. He refused. He will not go to any appointment or allow anyone to visit and get the process started. I appreciate how bizarre and unthinkable that is but there is no way to get him out the door to an appointment and if he won't show up they won't just start cutting checks.

I don't think he'd even cash the checks. He's a conservative too and believes he's a self-made wealthy guy who just needs the right lawyer to get his assets back and that the government would charge him with fraud if he "pretended" to be poor. But he has nothing. Not even a credit card. My mother gave him a gas card and keeps a small bank account for him in her name.

Ok I'm making myself too upset. Lord. It's been like watching someone die for years. Or the walking dead.

Ok, so you aren't willing to help or get it. HE IS MENTALLY ILL. He is not capable of doing this himself. I flew cross country to do the online paperwork for my relative. You can go online and do it. They schedule the doctor appointment and you just need to take him. You have the money deposited in an account and you or your parents become representative payee and manage the money for him. He doesn't need to know about the money. You just need to get him to one doctors appt. You do the application online and just need to send in a few documents like birth certificate, SS card, etc. He cannot do this himself. No one is visiting. Step up and help him or stop complaining about what will happen. He will become homeless and live on the streets or in a homeless shelter if you do not help him get on disability and low income housing. If he says that stuff to the evaluator, its obvious he has a problem.

Not OP. How do you "take" a grown man who is presumably around the size and strength of an average adult male anywhere that he does not want to go? If you show up and say something like, hey, I need you to come somewhere with me... how do you react to a simple "no"? It's not like OP can just pick him up, carry him to the car, stuff him in, then drag him through the parking lot into the doctor's office. If he's refusing all help, there's very little OP can do.

We do it all the time. We tell our family member that they are going out to eat and making a quick stop. The other day we told them they were going to an appt. for my husband and just keeping him company. She call apply on his behalf. If he will not go to the appt. they may be able to look at medical records or do something else. Bottomline is someone needs to apply and she is not willing.