Complaining Grandma: Need to Vent
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Anonymous
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Just need to vent anonymously.
My mother has been complaining to my sister about my children's lack of interest in her, especially compared to DH's mom. Background: DH and I moved to DC five years ago with the incorrect assumption that my mother would want to be closer to her grandchildren. It turns out that grandma has no interest in getting to know the grandkids. Please don't get me wrong, she does help me out by bringing food for the adults (i.e., very spicy food), which I appreciate. She will also help out in a pinch (e.g., when both our nanny and our babysitter are unavailable). However, she makes very little effort to get to know the kids. When she visits, she talks with me, but not really the kids (7 & 9). The kids are both heavily involved in sports, but has not once in four years attended a single sports event--even ones within walking distance of her home. When we visit her home, usually for a weekend dinner, she prepares dinner that my oldest is actually allergic to--like pad thai sprinkled with peanuts! Needless to say, after multiple attempts, we have stopped going to her house for dinner. DH's mom, even though she is not local, makes a real effort to get to know the kids. When she visits, she attends all their sports events, talks to them about their school, memorizes all their friends' names, and plays with them. When we visit her twice a year, she has toys and books and has no peanuts in the house. She offers to babysit and can't wait to make special memories with the kids. My mom is so hurt that when the kids write about their families in school projects, they go on and on about DH's mom, but say very little, if anything, about my mom. My sister complained to me that I needed to make a better effort to get my kids to appreciate her. I lashed back and said that I was not going to force my kids to write about grandma just because she is upset about the comparison. The kids are simply very honest about how they perceive their relationships with their grandmas. If my mom wanted the same sort of recognition, that she would have to be more present in their lives. But that if she's so unwilling to go to sports events or just hates conversing with young kids, then she's just not going to be that kind of grandma. I would say that generally my relationship with my mother is fine. Not great, but fine. I've made my peace with the fact that my mom is just not an involved grandmother. But, it makes me angry that she is thinks its my fault that her grandchildren don't adore her in the way they do their other grandmother. Anyone else deal with this sort of thing? Or grandmothers that are so different from each other? (BTW, grandpas are deceased.) Both grandmas are retired and in their mid-60s and in good health. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP. My child's grandmas and grandpa are vastly different from each other and in their engagement, although they all are crazy about DD, who's almost 1. DH's mom lives with us and is currently her daytime caregiver, so DD is very close to her. My parents visit every couple months or so since they moved back to the East coast about 6 months ago, sometimes together sometimes separately. My dad is always pressing about when he can come back to visit (whole other can of worms, but tl;dr is he's kind of a high-maintenance guest, but crazy about DD and very engaged with her). My mom visits when convenient for her but does engage more with DD now that she can kind of play.
Bottom line, I could see things playing out someday like they are for you, although perhaps to a lesser degree because my parents aren't particularly jealous people. But I'm commiserating with you -- balancing the extended family is exhausting sometimes. |
Anonymous
| First off, tell your sister to stay out of your business. Does she even have kids and no how your mom is w/ your kids? You can't make your mom be someone she isn't, so you may either ignore comments from your sister (in the future) or have a frank conversation with your mother, lay out the truth/facts. |
Anonymous
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Kids speak (or write, in this case) the unvarnished truth. Sounds like she's heard the message and maybe even wants to correct it, but she needs to have some remedies spelled out for her. You could say, 'start by being his biggest cheerleader, Mom. DS likes an audience when he scores a goal.' A few hints might get the message across.
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Anonymous
| I agree that first you need your sister to stay out of it. And if your mom says anything, you can be gentle but honest. "Mom, you know you are always welcome to attend the kids' games. I bet they would love it if you did." Or suggest other concrete ways that she could engage with the kids. But if she keeps complaining, "Mom, I would love for you to spend more time with the kids, but if you want to have a relationship with them, you have to put in the time." |
Anonymous
| OP - How does your mother know what your kids write about in school projects? |
Anonymous
Good reply here. OP, do you let your mom know the dates/times/places of your kids' events and games? Do you offer to pick her up and take her once in a while? Be sure that communications with her put the ball in her court clearly each time. If the communication ends up along the lines of, "Jimmy's games are usually Saturdays around noon -- let me know if you want to come sometime," you could try to see if being more specific helps. "Jimmy has a game on Saturday the 20th at 11. He would be happy to see you there. I can pick you up at 10:30 and then when the game is over at about 12, we can all go to Restaurant X for lunch. Would that work for you?" Maybe you've tried that and been turned down but I would try again. Some people need very specific instructions. Some feel they need to be issued invitations -- yes, that can be an annoying trait, especially as the other grandma is more proactive about going to the kids' events, but your mom may react well if you are very, very specific with an invitation. "Mom, I know you want more attention from the kids. I will make an effort to let you know specifics for events and to bring you with us when it works for you and for us at the same time. We don't expect you to attend everything. But the kids would be glad to see you there, and if you want to forge more of a relationship with them, seeing them doing their favorite things will help you get to know them better so they can know YOU better." What was she like as you grew up -- have you mulled over that? Did she really try to get to know your friends when you were the kid? Did she get involved in your interests and activities? If not, then you know this is a lifelong pattern set by her personality, and she can't be expected to take an interest in other people, even her grandkids, when she's never done so. That does not give her a pass on complaining that you are somehow making your kids like Other Grandmother better, or whatever. But it's a possible explanation. Oh, and yes, sister needs to stop being mom's sounding board and stop reporting to you what mom tells her. Period. Completely. The relationship with sister is another issue altogether and needs work of its own if she feels she can school you like she did. No way. |
Anonymous
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I would shut up my sister pretty quickly. And I wouldn't mince words with my mother either, but then my family knows that I'm a direct sort of person. My MIL laments the fact she cannot be interact with my children as she used to, but as she's eminently rational and lovely, she knows it's due to her failing health. My mother can get insanely jealous and possessive, but since she's become Grandma #1 by default, she's not complaining right now. |
Anonymous
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Just double-check - your mom may be standing on ceremony and want an "invitation" to the sports events. My mom cried once when I was a kid that I didn't invite her to my ballet recital while I invited my dad. He worked and I just asked if he could come. Then I turned to her and said "You're coming too, right?" and she said, "You didn't invite me." Um, wasn't that what I was doing right that second? It was at camp, there were over 100 dancers performing, it was going to be fast and furious and informal as hell. I was 8. But later when I spoke with my father about it, he explained the concept of standing on ceremony in relation to my mom.
Maybe your mom needs your kids to call her up and say "Hi Grandma. My big soccer game in this Sunday. Would you like to come watch me play?" If she says no, then "she's just not that into you." |
Anonymous
Holy shit your mother said that to an EIGHT year old? Talk about emotional manipulation. |
Anonymous
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My mother is crazy jealous of my MIL. Literally, any time we see my MIL she makes a point to visit us shortly thereafter. It is totally a competition in her mind and she goes out of her way to win. Thankfully, the kids do not see this at all. All they see is that their grandmother visits them a lot, is super interested in them, etc. And MIL only visits when it suits, so it doesn't happen all that often.
My point is, I think that there are many grandparents who do think its a competition. But, in your case, even though you Mom is hurt by the fact that she is "losing" the competition she isn't willing to put in the effort to even "tie." Keep inviting. Keep suggesting bonding opportunities. But at the end of the day, if she doesn't make the effort, then its no ones fault but her own. |
Anonymous
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(1) how does your mom know what your kids write about in school projects if she is so uninvolved
(2) there is some dysfunction here....this triangulation....she tells your sister and your sister tells you....you are lashing back and angry and feel you are being found "at fault" It sounds to me like there's way more going on here than just that she doesn't go to sports games, etc. You say you've "made your peace" with things but it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you are angry and to me it sounds like its because of stuff that when on when you were a kid, the family dynamics. You sound pretty unthrilled with your mom and she no doubt senses that and reacts to it. I guess what I am saying is, it doesn't sound like "if only mom would make cookies with them" is the answer. It sounds like a whole dynamic and I wonder if you are playing your part in it and if you have looked at that. |
Anonymous
Yep. There's a reason I haven't spoke to her since April 2014. There's a reason I hold her at a distance. |
Anonymous
This. She isn't going to know if you don't tell her. Are you being passive aggressive and creating this issue? |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for the responses. We had a back to school night, and I took photos of a bunch of school projects, including one about families that was thrown into the mix of photos. As for the unhealthy family dynamics, yes, there is definitely that. My mother has narcissistic tendencies, and I do wonder if I am sometimes shielding my children from her because I don't want them to be exposed to her self-absorbtion. From the time I was very young (like late elementary school), she would use me as her sounding board for questions like whether or not she should divorce my father (!), compete with me when I was older (buying things that mentioned to her that I liked for herself), and generally putting a ton of pressure on me during inappropriate times (tell me about my father's abusive behavior towards her during college final exams, just when I was about to come home). I think that because I was the oldest daughter, she felt that she could use me in this way, even though it was totally inappropriate. And to answer another PP's question, my parents did not attend sporting events because they did not encourage me to participate. They did, however, pay for piano lessons and attended my annual recitals. Online shrinks, have a field day.... 
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