Reply to Complaining Grandma: Need to Vent

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[quote=Anonymous]Just need to vent anonymously.

My mother has been complaining to my sister about my children's lack of interest in her, especially compared to DH's mom. Background: DH and I moved to DC five years ago with the incorrect assumption that my mother would want to be closer to her grandchildren. It turns out that grandma has no interest in getting to know the grandkids. Please don't get me wrong, she does help me out by bringing food for the adults (i.e., very spicy food), which I appreciate. She will also help out in a pinch (e.g., when both our nanny and our babysitter are unavailable). However, she makes very little effort to get to know the kids. When she visits, she talks with me, but not really the kids (7 & 9). The kids are both heavily involved in sports, but has not once in four years attended a single sports event--even ones within walking distance of her home. When we visit her home, usually for a weekend dinner, she prepares dinner that my oldest is actually allergic to--like pad thai sprinkled with peanuts! Needless to say, after multiple attempts, we have stopped going to her house for dinner.

DH's mom, even though she is not local, makes a real effort to get to know the kids. When she visits, she attends all their sports events, talks to them about their school, memorizes all their friends' names, and plays with them. When we visit her twice a year, she has toys and books and has no peanuts in the house. She offers to babysit and can't wait to make special memories with the kids.

My mom is so hurt that when the kids write about their families in school projects, they go on and on about DH's mom, but say very little, if anything, about my mom. My sister complained to me that I needed to make a better effort to get my kids to appreciate her. I lashed back and said that I was not going to force my kids to write about grandma just because she is upset about the comparison. The kids are simply very honest about how they perceive their relationships with their grandmas. If my mom wanted the same sort of recognition, that she would have to be more present in their lives. But that if she's so unwilling to go to sports events or just hates conversing with young kids, then she's just not going to be that kind of grandma.

I would say that generally my relationship with my mother is fine. Not great, but fine. I've made my peace with the fact that my mom is just not an involved grandmother. But, it makes me angry that she is thinks its my fault that her grandchildren don't adore her in the way they do their other grandmother.

Anyone else deal with this sort of thing? Or grandmothers that are so different from each other? (BTW, grandpas are deceased.) Both grandmas are retired and in their mid-60s and in good health.[/quote]

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