Reply to Complaining Grandma: Need to Vent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I agree that first you need your sister to stay out of it.  And if your mom says anything, you can be gentle but honest.  "Mom, you know you are always welcome to attend the kids' games.  I bet they would love it if you did."  Or suggest other concrete ways that she could engage with the kids.  But if she keeps complaining, "Mom, I would love for you to spend more time with the kids, but if you want to have a relationship with them, you have to put in the time."[/quote]

Good reply here. OP, do you let your mom know the dates/times/places of your kids' events and games? Do you offer to pick her up and take her once in a while? Be sure that communications with her put the ball in her court clearly each time. If the communication ends up along the lines of, "Jimmy's games are usually Saturdays around noon -- let me know if you want to come sometime," you could try to see if being more specific helps. "Jimmy has a game on Saturday the 20th at 11. He would be happy to see you there. I can pick you up at 10:30 and then when the game is over at about 12, we can all go to Restaurant X for lunch. Would that work for you?" Maybe you've tried that and been turned down but I would try again.

Some people need very specific instructions. Some feel they need to be issued invitations -- yes, that can be an annoying trait, especially as the other grandma is more proactive about going to the kids' events, but your mom may react well if you are very, very specific with an invitation. "Mom, I know you want more attention from the kids. I will make an effort to let you know specifics for events and to bring you with us when it works for you and for us at the same time. We don't expect you to attend everything. But the kids would be glad to see you there, and if you want to forge more of a relationship with them, seeing them doing their favorite things will help you get to know them better so they can know YOU better."

What was she like as you grew up -- have you mulled over that? Did she really try to get to know your friends when you were the kid? Did she get involved in your interests and activities? If not, then you know this is a lifelong pattern set by her personality, and she can't be expected to take an interest in other people, even her grandkids, when she's never done so. That does not give her a pass on complaining that you are somehow making your kids like Other Grandmother better, or whatever. But it's a possible explanation.

Oh, and yes, sister needs to stop being mom's sounding board and stop reporting to you what mom tells her. Period. Completely. The relationship with sister is another issue altogether and needs work of its own if she feels she can school you like she did. No way.

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