Grandfathers - need an outside view

[Anonymous]

By way of background, my father was not in my life. However, I did have two amazing sets of grandparents (even though their son walked away from me, his parents wanted to have a relationship with their granddaughter and we remained very close until they passed away). Therefore, I view the grandparent relationship as a very important one. My husband was close enough to his grandparents, but nowhere near as close as I was.

My husband's mother passed away long ago. His father subsequently remarried. His wife has a lot of grandchildren of her own, is very close to them, and is not particularly interested in her husband's grandchildren (and I don't expect her to be). My mom remarried in her 50's.

My husband's father is not a warm and fuzzy person and is not particularly interested in his grandchildren. He lives out of state, shows up a few times a year (not always at times convenient for us) and usually has enough of his grandkids after spending a few hours with them. My mother's husband, on the other hand, has children but does not have grandchildren (and for various reasons is not likely to have any). I will admit that he is sort of an unusual/strange person and he and my husband don't get along all that well (although they are polite to each other). He and my mother also live out of state but are actually interested in spending time with my kids. Every time this man is around my children, he behaves as I would expect a grandfather to behave - he talks to the kids, tells them stories, plays with them. Last time we visited my mother, he taught them to fish.

My husband insists that he does not want this strange person around his kids so much and that his father should have "equal time" with the children, and that I am just mad because his father does not fit my model of a grandfather. But his father is not interested in equal time! He is not interested in the kids!

I admit I have a lot of issues with his father which have nothing to do with the kids. But I would like nothing better than for my kids to have grandparent relationships that come close to what I had. And the only person willing to give it to them is my mother's husband.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Two separate issues here:

1) Too much step-grandpa, apparently. What exactly is your husband's objection? Just saying he's unusual isn't going to get you much advice.

2) Equal time. I think all you can do is offer each man an equal amount of time and leave it up to them whether to accept. So your husband should invite his father to visit, and if his father declines, that's that. Not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two separate issues here:

1) Too much step-grandpa, apparently. What exactly is your husband's objection? Just saying he's unusual isn't going to get you much advice.

2) Equal time. I think all you can do is offer each man an equal amount of time and leave it up to them whether to accept. So your husband should invite his father to visit, and if his father declines, that's that. Not your problem.

1. He is a 60s hippie/Buddist and likes to talk about his beliefs a bit too much. Not something DH is used to. Other than talking about this, he is a man of a few words. And no, he is not a pothead.

2. Equal time is on offer. DHs fathet is just not interested. DH's view is I think that because I am not FILs no. 1 fan, but it's the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two separate issues here:

1) Too much step-grandpa, apparently. What exactly is your husband's objection? Just saying he's unusual isn't going to get you much advice.

2) Equal time. I think all you can do is offer each man an equal amount of time and leave it up to them whether to accept. So your husband should invite his father to visit, and if his father declines, that's that. Not your problem.

1. He is a 60s hippie/Buddist and likes to talk about his beliefs a bit too much. Not something DH is used to. Other than talking about this, he is a man of a few words. And no, he is not a pothead.

2. Equal time is on offer. DHs fathet is just not interested. DH's view is I think that because I am not FILs no. 1 fan, but it's the truth.

Well, I think your DH needs to suck it up. Your mom's husband is a package deal with your mom. But if he's telling the kids about his beliefs, that is something you can address with him.

2) Does your DH think you are treating your FIL badly in some specific way? I would say call your DH's bluff. Every time your DH brings it up, propose a weekend in the near future for his father to visit.

Honestly, it's probably making your DH really sad that his father isn't more interested. My FIL is way more interested than my dad, and it's very disappointing to me.

[Anonymous]

I think it woudl be fair to ask step grandpa NOT to talk about religion around the kids, particularly if they are young. Parents shoudl be the ones to decide what their kids are taught re: religion. If your husband doesn't like step grandpa talking about budhism when just the adults are around, your husband needs to grow up. I may enjoy a lot of sports conversations, but that doesn't mean I cut people out of my life because they talk about sports.

[Anonymous]

1. You should not have any expectations of grandparents' interactions with their grandchildren. I grew up without grandparents in my life, so I have a different perspective. I am happy when my children interact with any of their 4 grandparents, as long as there are safety and age-appropriate parameters.

2. Forget about the equal time. Equal Time is not the same thing as Fairness. Whatever the grandparent can give, and whatever you can live with, is what needs to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two separate issues here:

1) Too much step-grandpa, apparently. What exactly is your husband's objection? Just saying he's unusual isn't going to get you much advice.

2) Equal time. I think all you can do is offer each man an equal amount of time and leave it up to them whether to accept. So your husband should invite his father to visit, and if his father declines, that's that. Not your problem.

1. He is a 60s hippie/Buddist and likes to talk about his beliefs a bit too much. Not something DH is used to. Other than talking about this, he is a man of a few words. And no, he is not a pothead.

2. Equal time is on offer. DHs fathet is just not interested. DH's view is I think that because I am not FILs no. 1 fan, but it's the truth.

Well, I think your DH needs to suck it up. Your mom's husband is a package deal with your mom. But if he's telling the kids about his beliefs, that is something you can address with him.

2) Does your DH think you are treating your FIL badly in some specific way? I would say call your DH's bluff. Every time your DH brings it up, propose a weekend in the near future for his father to visit.

Honestly, it's probably making your DH really sad that his father isn't more interested. My FIL is way more interested than my dad, and it's very disappointing to me.

He is not telling the kids anything I find offensive. What he does say just comes across as interesting stories. AFAIK, the more different viewpoints the kids are exposed to, the better.

Re 2, this is pretty much what I do. Part of the problem is that FIL always tends to show up at the last minute when we already have things scheduled, which I am not always willing to cancel to accommodate him. The way I look at it, he does things in a way that are most convenient for him and I am going to do things in a way that are most convenient for me and my family.

I agree that it makes DH sad. But he knows that I am not a big fan of FIL (frankly because of the way he treated DH in the past), so he will never admit it to me. I have moved past my FIL issues enough to be polite to him.

[Anonymous]

I hate this idea of equal time. It's ridiculous. Spending time with the children is not a competition.

[Anonymous]

Let go of the fact that you had a deep connection to your grandkids, and your kids might not. They might have different special relationships--cousins, aunts/uncles, neighbors, your friends and your husband's friends, college friends, etc. The important thing is that they get the opportunity to spend time with family and friends...they'll develop THEIR OWN important/special relationships. It's not about you.

Good advice above...provide the opportunity for equal time, and leave it up to family members to decide how much time they spend, and the quality/nature of the time spent.

[Anonymous]

Meant to say above, deep connection to your GRANDPARENTS, not grandkids!

[Anonymous]

Don't debate this on such a grand scale. You are stirring the pot re: angst and drama. If a specific visit might happen, discuss it then.

[Anonymous]

My husband deals with this a bit on his side. His father has a whole host of issues which contribute to him being a mostly absent and uninterested grandfather. His stepfather, who only came into the picture just before our DS was born (so not a long standing relationship with DH), is an incredible grandfather. More involved, loves playing with the kids, the kids adore him, etc. We understand that although he was never a father to my husband, he will always be a grandfather to our children- it is all they know. They are blessed with 3 grandfathers.

It is heartbreaking for my husband to deal with the fact that his own father does not have this role. He has to constantly remind himself not to make comparisons, to be thankful for the wonderful grandparent that our children do get to experience, and to appreciate the relationship his father does offer- even if it is very limited.

It isn't easy. But the main focus has to be the kids. They should not be denied one grandparent because of the behavior of another. Try to encourage what relationship you can with the distant grandparent. Is there anything he is interested in that might spark some interest? My FIL is obsessed with chess. Now that DS is old enough he spends the whole visit (like 2 times a year) trying to teach him to play (which can be incredibly frustrating for DS). He ignores DD. But, at least, he has that connection with DS. And every time we see a chess board or play together, we remind him of his Grandpop.

And remember to focus on the good, especially when the kids are around. How lucky they are to have all the grandparents. How even though some don't get to see them as often, they still love them. Etc.

[Anonymous]

I really don't understand who's who in your post. You mention his son walked out on you? But your DH is still with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand who's who in your post. You mention his son walked out on you? But your DH is still with you.

The walkout part is about me. I didn't have a father but had great grandparents. I felt like an explanation was needed because it is not often that the grandparents remain in the picture when the parent does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband deals with this a bit on his side. His father has a whole host of issues which contribute to him being a mostly absent and uninterested grandfather. His stepfather, who only came into the picture just before our DS was born (so not a long standing relationship with DH), is an incredible grandfather. More involved, loves playing with the kids, the kids adore him, etc. We understand that although he was never a father to my husband, he will always be a grandfather to our children- it is all they know. They are blessed with 3 grandfathers.

It is heartbreaking for my husband to deal with the fact that his own father does not have this role. He has to constantly remind himself not to make comparisons, to be thankful for the wonderful grandparent that our children do get to experience, and to appreciate the relationship his father does offer- even if it is very limited.

It isn't easy. But the main focus has to be the kids. They should not be denied one grandparent because of the behavior of another. Try to encourage what relationship you can with the distant grandparent. Is there anything he is interested in that might spark some interest? My FIL is obsessed with chess. Now that DS is old enough he spends the whole visit (like 2 times a year) trying to teach him to play (which can be incredibly frustrating for DS). He ignores DD. But, at least, he has that connection with DS. And every time we see a chess board or play together, we remind him of his Grandpop.

And remember to focus on the good, especially when the kids are around. How lucky they are to have all the grandparents. How even though some don't get to see them as often, they still love them. Etc.

I suppose it also bears mentioning that my DH has told the kids on a number of occasions that the step-grandfather is weird and they should not spend time with him (although we have since discussed it and he promised not to do it again). The kids adore the step-grandfather regardless. They are not particularly attached to FIL.