Grandfathers - need an outside view

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand who's who in your post. You mention his son walked out on you? But your DH is still with you.

The walkout part is about me. I didn't have a father but had great grandparents. I felt like an explanation was needed because it is not often that the grandparents remain in the picture when the parent does not.

Your great relationship with your grandparents is wonderful. But that's like saying "my first grade teacher was fabulous, so I don't understand why ALL kids in first grade don't love their teachers OR why ALL teachers aren't fabulous." You see? Your logic is ... not logical.

[Anonymous]

How the heck do you offer "equal" time? People visit, call, connect when it works for all involved. Sometimes one party has more time than the other....next year it flip-flops.
The idea of equal is stupid and unrealistic.
By the way OP, your DH is jealous because your step-dad is more "into" the grandpa role and DH has a strained relationship with his own dad. That is the issue, not your hippie-dippie stepdad.

[Anonymous]

How much or how little time a grandparent spends with a child should have nothing to do with the other grandparents.

Does your DH want you to have his father over more? What's the problem here?

It's not a competition. If someone loves and engages your children, that's wonderful. Encourage that. If someone is ok with seeing them only a few hours a few times a year, that's ok. Keep the relationship open, but don't define it.

My MIL drives me nuts and sometimes isn't very nice to me in general. But she's wonderful with my DD and loves her immensely. My own father, who I love very much, just isn't very interested in small children. It's just not how he's wired. It's OK! I love them both. My DD will have unique and different relationships with each of them. It doesn't have to be the perfect grandparent relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of the problem is that FIL always tends to show up at the last minute when we already have things scheduled, which I am not always willing to cancel to accommodate him. The way I look at it, he does things in a way that are most convenient for him and I am going to do things in a way that are most convenient for me and my family.

I agree that it makes DH sad. But he knows that I am not a big fan of FIL (frankly because of the way he treated DH in the past), so he will never admit it to me. I have moved past my FIL issues enough to be polite to him.

You may think you're being polite, but it sounds like you are being pretty passive aggressive, choosing not to rearrange your schedule because you hold a grudge. I get that you don't want to accommodate your FIL--but through your actions, you are also choosing to disregard your husband's sadness about his dad's failures as a grandfather, and in fact you are making them worse. Yes, your FIL may be a loser grandfather, and I get why you don't want to go out of your way for him. But why aren't you willing to go out of your way for your DH, by trying to set up situations where his father can be a better grandpa?

If I were you, I'd do my best to support the kids' relationship with the less involved grandfather--send him photos of the kids, have them make drawings for him, get them on Skype to talk with him, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

If your DH says he wants his dad to have "equal time with the kids," don't get dragged into the details of whether your FIL even wants that. Be enthusiastic (if you can) about wanting to spend time with your FIL, without making an implicit judgment about him choosing not to be involved. It sounds like your DH wishes his dad were different but doesn't want to see him criticized. (I have some issues with my FIL, who isn't an involved grandfather either. But it's really dangerous to critique him, because in the end, he's my DH's father, so I try to refrain from criticizing him.)

Maybe you and DH could reach out to his dad about having him visit, suggesting days that would work for you. ("Hey, dad, we'd love to see you this fall. The kids' soccer schedule is really busy, but we're free on such-and-such weekend and would love to hang out.") You could try to plan activities that your FIL enjoys (bowling, nature walks, BBQs, board games, whatever) and that you could all share with the kids. If you two are doing your best to make it easy and enjoyable for your FIL to spend time with the kids, then it's up to him.

In the end, I don't think YOU get to complain about your FIL not be as good a grandfather as your grandparents were to you, while actively sabotaging your FIL's meager and inconvenient attempts to be a grandfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of the problem is that FIL always tends to show up at the last minute when we already have things scheduled, which I am not always willing to cancel to accommodate him. The way I look at it, he does things in a way that are most convenient for him and I am going to do things in a way that are most convenient for me and my family.

I agree that it makes DH sad. But he knows that I am not a big fan of FIL (frankly because of the way he treated DH in the past), so he will never admit it to me. I have moved past my FIL issues enough to be polite to him.

You may think you're being polite, but it sounds like you are being pretty passive aggressive, choosing not to rearrange your schedule because you hold a grudge. I get that you don't want to accommodate your FIL--but through your actions, you are also choosing to disregard your husband's sadness about his dad's failures as a grandfather, and in fact you are making them worse. Yes, your FIL may be a loser grandfather, and I get why you don't want to go out of your way for him. But why aren't you willing to go out of your way for your DH, by trying to set up situations where his father can be a better grandpa?

If I were you, I'd do my best to support the kids' relationship with the less involved grandfather--send him photos of the kids, have them make drawings for him, get them on Skype to talk with him, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

If your DH says he wants his dad to have "equal time with the kids," don't get dragged into the details of whether your FIL even wants that. Be enthusiastic (if you can) about wanting to spend time with your FIL, without making an implicit judgment about him choosing not to be involved. It sounds like your DH wishes his dad were different but doesn't want to see him criticized. (I have some issues with my FIL, who isn't an involved grandfather either. But it's really dangerous to critique him, because in the end, he's my DH's father, so I try to refrain from criticizing him.)

Maybe you and DH could reach out to his dad about having him visit, suggesting days that would work for you. ("Hey, dad, we'd love to see you this fall. The kids' soccer schedule is really busy, but we're free on such-and-such weekend and would love to hang out.") You could try to plan activities that your FIL enjoys (bowling, nature walks, BBQs, board games, whatever) and that you could all share with the kids. If you two are doing your best to make it easy and enjoyable for your FIL to spend time with the kids, then it's up to him.

In the end, I don't think YOU get to complain about your FIL not be as good a grandfather as your grandparents were to you, while actively sabotaging your FIL's meager and inconvenient attempts to be a grandfather.

You are probably right that I am not as accommodating as I can be - I will cancel the kids' regular activities when he shows up, but I will not cancel things that happen once a year, unique events that cannot be repeated, or things that cost a lot of money. But I think it's a pretty fair compromise.

I do send him pictures and suggest times for him to visit. But the times I suggest never seem to work for him (and no, I don't intentionally suggest times that are inconvenient - truth be told, FILs wife usually wants to spend holiday weekends etc. with her family and 9 times out of 10, FIL prefers to accompany her rather than visit his grandchildren).

I get that DH is hurting, really I do. But the situation is not of my making and FIL will not change. I don't want DCs to be robbed of a relationship with someone who is actually willing to be a grandfather figure to them.